Feeling fed up of sex life

[KatieBee25]

Hi ladies,
so I just wanted some advice and if I'm being unreasonable to be unhappy with my sex life (both the quality of it and the quantity haha)
so for some background I'm 30 years old and me and my dh have 3 children together, 8 year old, 5 year old and 1 year old. He is 15 years older than me so wonder if that plays a part!
basically he just seems completely uninterested in sex with me, he will go along with it if I initiate but it's always really boring missionary he will never spice things up. Doesn't even like oral!! If I suggest it more adventurous sex he makes me feel bad about it. He is extremely vanilla and think he always has been

it's got to the point where I feel myself fantasising about having an affair (I get looks and approached by other men so it's not like I'm a monster) I just feel completely unwanted by him.

if I do try and talk about the amount we have sex (probably averaging once every 2 weeks- but only because I initiate it, if I didn't I think he could go months if not years!) but if I do bring it up he gets defensive that he's tired and he does so much for me (helps with housework etc) but I should expect him to also make love to me whenever I feel like it - words he's used in the past

so am I being unreasonable?! I don't want it loads just maybe a couple of times a week and to feel desired and wanted!!

Arghh maybe I'm being too hard on him!

I’m wondering if he has an underlying health issue . Nothing serious but low testosterone or something. Maybe a full blood count including testosterone get him to gp.
the age gap might make a difference but I would not have thought at your ages I think it will be later on when you are 60 and he is 75 ish .

so initially I’d start with health .
does he respond to you if you are passionate, so you know everything is working and “waking up” 😆 to you being passionate?
what about hand relief is he keen on that ? Because if he’s fine in all those departments he might just be feeling too unfit to do sex , although I know you’d go on top .

hmm lots to unpick .

Him initiating more and you having sex more frequently isn’t going to solve the vanilla issue though, is it? And he doesn’t go down on you at all? I wouldn’t settle for such a dismal sex life at 30 - you’re so young - but I appreciate it might not be so easy to walk away from a marriage with 3 dependent children. Would he consider an open marriage?

YABU

If he’s always been vanilla since the start, it’s unfair to expect him to change now if he doesn’t want to.

An affair isn’t the answer. If he’s not compatible with you sexually anymore, and sex is a super important part of the relationship for you, you need to end things.

Maybe ask him if there’s any underlying reason why he doesn’t really feel like doing it much anymore. Try and ask without putting pressure on him. But at the end of the day if his sex drive has dissipated you can’t make him do it. Imagine the uproar on here if he was pressuring you for sex.

I am 30, my partner isn’t into giving oral and that’s something I’ve accepted. I would never make him do something he doesn’t want to.

Everyone on MN will encourage you to leave a DH with whom you have 3 children just to get some interesting sex from elsewhere.

Before you negatively disrupt your DCs lives for a decent shag think very long and hard. You chose to have 3 kids with the man, so presumably he hasn’t been that bad a DH?

Yes but decent sex is part of a healthy relationship... Otherwise it's just a friendship...

I'd try and talk to him in unpressured way.

I'd want him to get physically checked out...

If he is unwilling /unable to make changes...

I'd be pushing for an open relationship...

You're far too young to not have a sex life..

Surely he can't expect a 30 year old to be born sexually active??

To be fair partner has always been vanilla, OP made the choice to be with him. Unfair to expect him to change for her.

I meant 'Surely he can't expect a 30 year old to be not sexually active?

How is he outside of sexual intimacy? Has he passion for being with you spending time together doing new things? Planning for the future?

Does he masturbate? How intimate are you on a connection level? Can you talk about anything have deep chats? Has anything else changed for him? Stress,body,weight. Has he gave you any indication what's going on for him?

What was sex like in the early days that you felt satisfied then or was you not then?

Unless, of course, the sexes were reversed. In which case, the OP would be told he’s not doing enough chores and to stop being such a sex pest.

Well, you married a man 15 year older who has always been quite conservative when it comes to sex.

Now you expect him to turn into someone completely different and match your libido.

I think you need to self-reflect a bit...

It was shitty of you to marry him when you knew the sex wasn't great. You were bound to get fed up eventually when you're clearly not compatible.

Ask if he'd be willing to have an open marriage. If not, then obviously divorce. If you stay with him, you'll resent him.

Is he worried about another pregnancy?

You sound a bit incompatible, sexually, tbh. Is this a new thing? Or have you always had differing libidoes?

Life is too short for shit sex. I left someone who was 10 years older for this reason.

From experience, @KatieBee25 , you need to be very specific with him about what you mean by more adventurous. Different positions? Roleplay? BDSM? It means something different to each person. Be clear with him on what it is you’d like to explore, and he may be more receptive.

You say he always was "vanilla" - maybe you just married "Vanilla Man" and ageing and life's pressures are making this more obvious by reducing the frequency.

He's 45, not 85! I'd sit him down (when the kids are elsewhere ideally) and have a really open chat. Give him warning of this chat, maybe by texting him to say you'd like an open chat about it.

Listen to what he says, really listen. Repeat back what you hear to him. For example,

You - I'd like to talk about our sex life. Intimacy is important to me. Trying new things in the bedroom is important to me.
Him - Not this again, I'm tired
You - I hear you when you say you are tired. Having a busy life with work, kids, house. It's hard isn't it.
Him - Yes it is.
You - Ok, I think that all of the busy-ness gets in the way of intimacy sometimes. I'd like to be intimate with you more. Can we work together to make that happen?

Really listen to what he says.