To not understand why my boyfriend is still here - and I don’t know how to fix it?

[helloooooo11]

Sorry.. it’s a long one!

I’ve hurt my boyfriend so much and I can’t understand why he’s still here.

I have ADHD and other issues which means I really struggle with a lot of things. Generally I was in a good place when I met my boyfriend 3 years ago, and I’ve had a bad few months. He was besotted with me and so happy.

A few habits he’s told me annoy him, such as

• I don’t always listen, and go into fight or flight mode, and panic about everything assuming it’s about me
• I need constant reassurance to the point where he’s said something 3 times and I still don’t believe it. I rephrase the question
• I leave things lying around the house
• I’m generally quite poor at emotional regulation

We got into an argument yesterday because I asked him (again) if he’s okay because he seems off and not very chatty. He said he’s tired, and that we don’t always need to be super chatty all of the time. I told him I felt he’d been a bit off with me - on his phone a tiny bit more, not wanting to chat etc.

He got really frustrated. He said recently I’ve been “getting worse”. He hasn’t noticed it massively until now, and when he sits and thinks about it, I have. He said:

• I’ve been pretty blunt and rude not just to him but also around other people
• I’m not being kind and warm as I once was
• He described me as “unapproachable”
• I make him feel like he’s in a courtroom all day eg I often ask what he’s doing or why he’s doing things. He said he has to explain himself all the time and he also said he feels he has to sit and stare/talk to me all day or I’m not happy
• He said a few annoying things such as leaving items out and not tidying up my shoes etc
• He was upset that I suggested he paid for a McDonald’s because I spent money on buying something from him earlier. He felt it was petty because we don’t often keep score of money
• All I’m doing is seeing the negatives in things

I didn’t realise all this was bothering him. I knew about some of them but I can absolutely see why he’d be being a bit off with me now.
However he keeps saying he’s not being off with me and that everything is fine, and that he’s generally happy with us and our relationship, which is the problem because I can’t see how that’d be the case.

Problem is.. I don’t even realise these things. Maybe I am miserable and negative but I don’t realise I’m doing it. I do feel sad every day tbh but I just try my best to get through the day. Sometimes we do have lovely moments and I do lovely things for him (and he does say this is true) but generally I’m hard to be around at the moment.
He said every time we spend 1-on-1 time together we end up having a tricky conversation because I’m anxious, or he’s having to explain himself, or we argue.

I felt a bit hurt because he’s out a few evenings and a full Saturday for sport, so I always feel like I’m on my own and sorting everything out. However he gave me concrete examples of things he has done. He also pointed out that there are some chores we have both been a bit lazy with.
I worried about our quality time together and he said we get lots, but it gets ruined.

He ended up getting really angry at me and called me delusional. This really really upset me and he said I’m trying to set our relationship on fire and lighting a match. I’ve never seen him like that so I must be pushing him to the edge.

I told him I felt hurt that he’s not trying to understand why I’m so down or show empathy towards it. He said he asks if I’m ok during days where I’m down and I just say yes.

He keeps asking what I’m going to do about it. But I have no idea. I don’t know how to help myself or fix myself because I don’t even notice that I’m in these moods. I can’t go on antidepressants because it apparently makes ADHD worse. My medication referral for ADHD still hasn’t been approved. I have spent lots of money on pointless therapy which didn’t work and I currently don’t have more money to spend on it.

So… how do I fix something I don’t even realise I’m doing??

• I worry now that I can never be a bit down or miserable or negative ever
• He resents me for all of these things but never says
• I can’t possibly understand why he’s “happy” or why he’s still here, and yet I’m annoying and unapproachable
• im terrified I’ve ruined the whole thing and we’ll never be where we were again

You sound incompatible. He can’t bear the way you are, and you don’t realise you’re doing the things he finds difficult to tolerate.

My question is why you’re still in the relationship — why are you asking why he’s still there, as though only he gets to choose to end things?

Do you live together? Children?

We live together, no children.

I’m in this because for the first 2.5 years everything has been fantastic. I feel like I’m going through a spiral that I’m not even realising, but I do feel sad every day. He’s never seemed frustrated at me until now

Well, the question is now you realise what you’re doing, how he’s perceiving you and what the issue is, what are you going to do about it?

It must be exhausting if you need constant reassurance and question him a lot just because he’s sitting quietly relaxing because he’s not being chatty or you argue/try and have awkward conversations about the state of the relationship every second you get time together to spend alone.

Don’t worry about why he is currently still in the relationship but, if you want it to continue, what positive changes you can make to keep him in the relationship now he’s opened up to you.

If you genuinely feel you’re spiralling mentally though, go and see a GP because I’m sure there are some medicines you can take for depression when you have ADHD or some circumstances in which treating spiralling mental health has to take priority!

Your behaviours are not all attributable to ADHD. There’s a lot of insecurity there that’s not necessarily ADHD. I understand the adhd need to ask if things are ok and feel like emotional regulation is a challenge but this is more than that. It’s fine to have a life apart as well as a life together. Nothing wrong with your partner having other plans. Quality time is not about a volume of time. It can be 5 mins here and there. But all the questions needs to stop and let him have time apart. If you want to have quality time then plan something you both like, comedy night/pub quiz/meal out. Or even just a programme you both like and sit in peaceful silence. But find the fun and humour in life. It’s not all stress and worry and angst even with ADHD.

I also do all the things you’ve said that annoy your partner 🫣 I literally could have written your post, now I spend all my life trying to suppress those parts of me but it’s so hard because I feel unhappy that I’m not getting the reassurance etc I need but to get it I’d have to annoy my partner so much that they actually would stop loving me 😵‍💫

To me, it sounds like he's hit that point of the relationship where he's no longer besotted with the version of you in his head, but rather now sees you for who you are and cannot cope.
Have you moved in with each other in the past year or so by chance?

I wouldn't necessarily say you were in the wrong, more that you are simply not compatible to be in a relationship ship with each other without a lot of work and compromise from both of you

How sure are you, that you are the problem and not him?

Some men blame you and your behaviour, because they don’t like being accountable for their own behaviour.

This is his interpretation of you but that doesn’t mean it’s all accurate and as he says, or that you are a bad person. Do other people have such a negative view of you? You could simply be reacting to his behaviour and treatment of you. But it’s also good to be self aware and and try to change for the better. But for you not for anyone else.

He doesn’t seem to like you very much which isn’t a good thing to be around as it’s just going to make you feel like shit. Have you considered ending the relationship ? You deserve to be with someone who who loves you for you not someone who has a long list of complaints.

With regards to your mental health have you tried counselling? Anti depressants? ADHD meds?

I wondered this.

And if you have ADHD, you’ll have heard loads of negative messages all your life so will assume the problem is you, when it isn’t necessary.

People will ADHD or ASD can be very vulnerable to emotional abuse.

Are you open to couples therapy to see if this can be ironed out, if you think there’s a relationship worth saving?

I'm not sure why anti depressants won't work with ADHD.
Also, it does sound like you're not compatible tbh.

My dd is ADHD.

Ive read that the older TCA antidepressants work for adhd. Or Venlafaxine.

You could be an insufferable pest who is ruining his life and he's just never mentioned it until now.

Or... he could be manipulating you into never questioning anything he does, tolerating all his bad moods, and generally becoming his emotional punching bag by making you deeply insecure about every interaction the two of you have.

If you truthfully, hand on heart, don't believe you've behaved in the way he's described, I'd think the latter is more likely than the former.

“Your behaviours are not all attributable to ADHD.”

This.

Sort your low self esteem out. That’s what your op screams of.

@helloooooo11

"im terrified" should never be uttered in any relationship that is right for you.

Hi op.

Did you feel sad every day before you became a couple?

Or is the sadness specifically related to your relationship?

But having ADHd can contribute to low self esteem.

My dd is ADHD. She’s very similar to how the op is describing herself. It’s very hard.

Absolutely, and I’m not faulting the OP in the slightest, but neither am I faulting her partner for finding living with someone who is endlessly anxious, catastrophising, seeking reassurance, frequently emotionally dysregulated and sad quite difficult.

It’s not possible to tell from what the OP says whether they just happened to meet when she was in a temporarily good place, and what she’s like now is her ‘normal’, or whether (as seems likely) the relationship is actively making her conditions ‘worse’, leading to him getting impatient and unable to provide the reassurance she craves so she spirals on down.

It sounds to me as if this just isn’t working for either of them, and as though they woukd be happier apart.

I have never sought a diagnosis but I strongly suspect that I have adhd and it's been suggested to me by a number of professionals before and honestly op a lot of your post resonated with me from previous relationships.

But tbh in not sure you're entirely in the wrong here and there are things both of you can do to meet in the middle - but he also needs to be willing to compromise.

I would be quite sensitive to a partner suddenly seeming 'off' or being quieter or cold in any way. Obviously that may not always be due to anything you've done but equally it's not fair to go around acting in that way but not giving any explanation to your partner. Often I'd have got caught into the trap of repeatedly asking what was wrong, but it's because I felt like I was on edge around him otherwise. The compromise there is he needs to be able to say to you that he's not mad at you but he's feeling quieter today - off his own bat - so you don't need to play detective.

Leaving stuff around the house, yep it's annoying for a partner so I do a sweep every night before bed to make sure I've cleared everything away and that helps me keep on top of things. Equally there are things I don't 'see' as they don't bother me like they would another person so my partner needs to ask me to sort these if it's bothering them and I will do it immediately. Or agree clear cleaning rules in the house - who is responsible for what and how often does it need done.

However the rest - to be honest op he's sounding like a bit of a bully tbh. Your personality is what it is, and complaining that you suggested he pays for something when you paid last time is very entitled behaviour.

I agree you need to be very careful you're not being gaslit here.

It sounds as though your relationship is coming to an end, from his side anyway.

It sounds exhausting for both of you and not much fun at all.

Perhaps you should just calmly ask him if he would rather break up.

You may not like the answer but at least you'll know.

Maybe ask for this to be moved to mumsnet neurodiverse. Maybe you will have people understand you more.

Some NT people genuinely don't realise how bad RSD is and how deeply we feel things.

Not to say that there isn't work you can do but I'll be damned sure it isn't all you.

We have a canny ability to feel when something is even slightly off. I know I am the same. But the problem is, it's hard to let go off when someone denies the issue and makes out like you are the issue. And I know from my own experience, I find it hard to let go when I know I am right.

I don't want to go into too much right here but I've had issues of this ilk.

Does the boiling frog analogy reasonate with you here? I often find some men can be very goady then act like you are the issue. I struggle with the injustice of this.

Leave OP. Trust me, life's too short (and too long) to be with someone who hates you.

It sounds to me that he's over it. If that's the case he should tell you so, not keep you on the hook indefinitely while telling you how tiresome he finds you.

You might have ADHD, not everyone with it is insufferable, not everyone without it is excellent to be partnered with. You may just have found yourself at the end of a relationship that worked for 2.5 years and then, did not. That's not necessarily your fault, or the result of ADHD.

You don't have to sit around and wait for him to leave. You can decide that you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel "wrong" for being you, and end it putting both of you out of the misery. Don't wait for the good times to come back, it will erode your self esteem which is already fairly low sounding. Time to move on.