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AIBU?

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Husbands secret messages

3 replies

GlosCat73 · 02/06/2025 10:47

My husband of 25+ years has for a quite a while been on his phone in the evenings and quickly closing it and setting it down when i walk in the room. He has even done it when we have been out for a meal and ive come back from the bathroom, or at the cinema. It made me uncomfortable and I asked him about it, but he would always pass it off as messaging his mum or one of our children, but sometimes I would spot him smiling at the chats which was unusual. He started to mention a female colleagues name - his direct line manager - but as if he was testing my reaction, telling me about her home life, what she was up to out of work etc in a way that would be unusual for him as he never talks about other colleagues. I became so uncomfy that I looked at his phone (i know...please dont rant at me!) and there is a very long history of chat with this woman at all times of day and night, sometimes when i know i was in the same room with him. It is flirty, needy, a bit desperate at times and made me embarassed for him, concerned he is putting himself at risk from an employee point of view, and also sad for us that he has been doing this. I would not message my line manager calling them princess or telling them they are radiant and the light of my day. Nor would i say the only thing keeping me in my job is wanting to spend time with them. He repeatedly asks her if he has done anything wrong and says the last thing in the world he wants to do is hurt her. They also go for lunch walks alone. It is just all a very blurred boundary in my eyes. But how do i even start a conversation? Also, he has just bought a privacy phone screen protector and when i asked why he said he didnt realise that was what it was when he ordered it. He is super techy - i really dont believe that for one minute, but he is now openly on his phone knowing the screen cant be seen. I should say, he has a history of doing this many years ago, early in our marriage and it has always left me a little wary. Im feeling deflated. Any positive advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 02/06/2025 12:37

I'm so sorry but I'm not sure what positive advice can be offered in this situation. It sounds like your husband is infatuated with another woman, whether she's a willing partner or not. I think you need to decide if you are willing to put up with that or not. I guess some women might keep quiet and hope that this will run it's course but for me, it would be a dealbreaker. He's being deceptive and either having an affair or wanting to have one. The only positive that can come out of it for me is that now you know, you can act to protect yourself financially and decide what you want to do about it.

B1anche · 02/06/2025 13:01

Just ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this. If you aren't, then tell him and start taking action to leave him. He's done this before, he won't change.

DemelzaandRoss · 02/06/2025 13:21

Sadly, it’s decision time.
You either ignore his emotional affair or finish the marriage.
Only you know the answer.
As it’s not the first time, your decision may be easier.

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