Co-parenting a newborn

[YourAquaCruiser]

Needing some reassurance and just sound boarding really...

I split with my partner at 3 weeks post partum. It’s been two and a half years of emotional abuse which was steadily becoming worse and worse because of circumstances beyond my control. Constant verbal attacks. Suicidal threats when I told him I wanted to leave and finally physical outbursts. (Punching walls. Pulling curtain rails down. Etc…) I ended things because my friends and family didn’t want me to be the next thing he punched.

Dad is in therapy and pouring himself into work and trying not to give up on us being a family unit.

He has moved out and found his own place nearby and I visited today with baby because his grandparents were in town and they are so lovely and I don’t want baby or grandparents to miss out on a relationship because of his dad’s mistakes.

But today I cried when I saw his new flat. It’s ridiculously extravagant and something about it really triggered me.

Today is really the first day that it became real that we would be co-parenting and I felt so shit and so inadequate. He’s never had problems earning money. If anyone met his dad out of context they would think I have thrown away a catch, a good provider and I am pulling apart this family because I am asking for a perfection in my romantic relationship that doesn’t exist. He wants me to let him back in and reassures me that he’s been having a mental breakdown for the last two years and he’ll never make me feel unsafe again, that I’ll never have to work again blah blah blah…

Truth is, it’s really scary to be a single mum and having less earning potential against a man that is no stranger to chucking money at problems and loves to be the hero. I hate asking or accepting help from him because the more he gives the more “in debt” he can make you feel. He’s never asked me for a penny back but he’s the kind to remind you what he’s done for you in key moments.

Anyway. I’m having a shit night of it feeling sorry for myself and feeling stuck between a rock and hard place because I’m upset about having a future of co-parenting baby boy but my gut still screams at me that getting back together with his dad to avoid having to co-parent isn’t the answer either.

Now at 3 months post partum and I just feel sad. Not pp depression sad…? I am totally besotted with baby boy. Just. Sad.

It doesn't matter if others would think he's a catch - you know the truth. He's not been 'having a breakdown' for the last 2 1/2 yrs, he's just a nasty abusive man who can put on a good act for a little while. Please don't get back with him, the abuse would just continue and get worse. Make sure he pays you maintenance, sort out a claim now. Take things a day at a time and don't fret about the future. You will get there, you're stronger than you think 💐

You’re giving your baby a much better future by not bringing them up in an abusive home op. Much better, they are so much more likely to form good relationships themselves and be happy.

Hi darling,
I've been in very similar position and similar age baby and break up just before his birth and similar aggression etc. 'Easier' for me in some ways as dad is the one who actually ended it so don't have to deal with him trying to reignite things.

I had those thoughts exactly when dad moved into a big house with her gf and her child. I felt like they were a 'proper' family and it was just me and my little flat. I felt terrible in comparison.

1. He's broken up wit the gf a few months after leaving her.
2. Home is mummy for a little toddler. They honestly only want you and to be with you. Once they're in secondary school yes they might want to show off the video console

Or pool table at dads, but that's a long long way off.

Ps sorry I misread and thought your little one was two, just seen you're only 3 months. Well done you for being so so brave! You're doing the right thing! Keep yourself and your baby safe and in a peaceful space.

How to annihilate a narcissist in the family court is a helpful book for the future

Congratulations @YourAquaCruiser, you have been so courageous doing this for your baby.

Ten years ago I was you - married to a great provider, with a new baby, and to the outside world a lovely life. My ex H would smash things, push me, punch me through pillows and eventually when my DS was a year old, he punched me around the head (when I dared tell him it was his turn to get up to the baby). He gave me a black eye and a fat lip. I thought my teeth were going to fall out. I had to clean the blood off the wall.

Still I didn’t leave him. I went on to have another baby with him. I eventually left him in 2022. My kids never witnessed direct violent, but they saw enough of Dad’s rages to be impacted by it.

In leaving your abusive ex 3 weeks post partum, you have been braver than I was. Your child will only remember a peaceful home with mum. Your ex will never change and he is only saying that he will because he is finally facing the consequences of his behaviour.

Make sure you breastfeed your baby as long as possible so you can manage his access. If he’s as obsessed with work as he sounds, hopefully he won’t go for 50:50. Make sure you log his behaviour with police and your GP and midwife.

In terms of earning - my career has gone from strength to strength since I left. I am engaged to a wonderful man who would never do anything to scare me. It is not the life I imagined for myself but the life I build with my kids and my partner will be happier and more peaceful than anything that could have been possible with my ex.

Also - you would be absolutely mad to get back with him and “never work again” WTF. A controlling abusive man’s wet dream.

Don’t ever feel indebted to him for any maintenance money he gives you. He is obliged, morally and legally, to support his child. He’s not doing you a favour.

What kind of co parenting do you foresee ? Is he asking for 50/50 or saying he’d want that in future?

I’m hoping that in fact he expects your son will be with you pretty much all the time and he won’t make a push for anything more than visits. I imagine 50/50 might be incompatible with his high earnings and extravagant flat?

Just in case he does push for 50/50, it might be good to make a record of his prior abusive behaviour and his statements about breakdown and suicide.

Arrangements are casual atm but essentially visits. No idea how to proceed and have been trying to put anchoring days in but he has also been showing up at my door unannounced which is stressing me out tbh.

He’s also been hounding me about getting him on the birth certificate and I don’t know what to do about that.

People are a wash of grey and not black and white. I don’t think I would be able to withhold parental responsibility anyway, purely with emotional abuse and one recorded incident of suicidal thoughts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I am annxious about him having a say in baby’s travel and medical decisions. We mostly agree on how to handle things but if the topic isn’t approached right I don’t want arguement to delay decisions…

@Endoftheroad12345 You are the brave one! How was the fall out? How did you manage to set boundaries and distance?

You’ve mentioned he has more money (which as long as you can provide ‘good enough’ circumstances for your child is irrelevant and does not reflect on you). But not said much about his parenting? Do you think the baby is safe with him? If so, it may be possible to make a sensible coparenting arrangement work.

As for the mental breakdown that’s also irrelevant in a way. No one pulls down a curtain rail because they’re mentally healthy. There might be trauma, depression etc. They don’t blow up a building cos they’re mentally healthy either. Doesn’t mean they’re not accountable for their own actions.

Lastly, PND does not always mean you don’t love your baby. I had PND and honestly a primary symptom was loving mine too much - thought cos I wasnt ’perfect’ (needed to sleep, eat and shit occasionally) I wasn’t good enough for her because she was perfect. That said I don’t wanna put how you’re feeling down to a diagnosis. I hate when people do that to new mums. You’re in a shit situation of course you feel shit.

Do not put him on the birth certificate, assuming you are not married. Do not do it. He sounds very nasty. That does not mean he doesn't get to see his child, it just helps you a tiny bit later on. Be strong, you know you and your child will be better off without your walls being punched in.

@ReplacementBusService - how exactly can it help later on?

He is being very reasonable when communicating over text lately and respectful that I am not ready to make changes to the birth cert. But that was after he got upset when a conversation didn't go as planned yesterday and told me to ring the police because he's not leaving. Snatched my phone and chucked it when I tried to call his dad... that's not normal.

I get he's frustrated and he's got to accept we're not together which is hard enough in any break up and for me to even consider handing over legal responsibility I need to feel he's working on his anger management.

I don't think he would deliberately put the baby in danger. He loves him to pieces but no, I don't trust him to do something thoughtless when he gets frustrated. Allowing yourself to get that level around the baby is very concerning.

I don't want baby growing up thinking its normal to bring the police into arguments when they escalate.

I'm trying my best to keep my boundaries but also to not just get petty and trigger any escalations myself...

So he is still a nasty abusive man. Nothing has changed.

Have you put a formal claim in with CMS for maintenance?

Turning up at your home unannounced is also unacceptable. Have you had any support from Women's aid or the likes? They can be very helpful in situations where someone is abusive.

how exactly can it help later on?

He cannot arrange a passport for the child, but you can, and you would have all say on schools and medical issues.

He'd also have no legal right to object to you going on holidays.

No automatic PR from being on the cert means he cannot just take the child and it be a civil matter - the police would be able to return the child to you straight away.

So you don't visit his flat anymore or let him in yours. Visit need to be in neutral space with witnesses such as coffee shop, soft play or good relative.

Him taking your phone is not acceptable

He can apply to the court if he wants one the birth certificate

@ARichtGoodDram

No - haven't applied for CMS - no really interested in pushing for it as its another touch point for him to use to take my time and energy. Right now, I would rather be stubborn and do everything under my own steam...