I’ve been dumped at 42 and feel like my world is ending - please throw some sense into me 🙏

[Idiotoverhere]

I have nobody to talk about this in real life with mainly as I’ve kept everything quiet - possibly because I’ve never felt sure enough of what I was actually doing

I split with ExH January 2024 ( this is a whole different thread but this possibly was also a massive mistake on my part and he is still wanting to reconcile - I didn’t feel supported emotionally with 2 ND teens and he couldn’t seem to see the issue. He is now on the pathway for an ASD assessment himself )

Anyway, by Spring 24 I had met a man completely by chance through my brothers wedding and feel head over heels.

it sounds ridiculous especially given my age but he genuinely did seem to understand me in a way nobody ever had, he was affectionate which was just not what I’ve had in my 25 year marriage and a big listener / talker which again was very different.

Downside was that he lived 3 hours away however for the first 6 months or so, this worked well as I would only visit when my kids were at their dads as I didn’t want him introduced to my children / home especially as my 16 year old DS took the split terribly and hasn’t coped well at all.

It became harder and harder to keep it going 2/3 nights a week especially when I would get to the very small flat and there would be his 16 year old son who lives there full time just wandering around smoking cannabis, hardly going to school and swearing at his dad, younger siblings ( twins are 13 ) however I’m a teacher and experienced with ND kids and he has ADHD / ODD similar to my son so I didn’t see this as a massive red flag

Weelemds were a strain as the twins would be there and one of the girls is very attention seeking - I tried to give lots of grace here as her mum left her dad ( 6 years ago ) for the neighbour who moved in within a week so I did sympathise with her feeling pushed out.

She either wanted to be my best friend, constantly asking me to take her out for coffee, buy her gifts ( both parents don’t have much money ) buy takeaways or she would seem jealous of my presence and want to cuddle her dad all the time in front of me, ask him who he loved more, come into the best room in the morning for “ group hugs “ and it all made me feel uneasy.

We had a few conversations which turned sour abiut the lack of boundaries - this hasn’t just been me as school have raised this with him too as mum raised issues with what was happening during weekends - no bedtimes, set dinners, out of trains across London with no phone, stealing from shops meaning police attended the house etc

He is a carer for the 16 year old and has kept saying that when he is 18/19 and in full time work, he would then move to my area but keep the flat going so he could still see his twins weekends in their own area.

Anyway, we had a pregnancy scare.
I panicked massively as I didn’t see how he would afford to keep a flat running when he’s made to go back to work as well as providing for his kids and contributing to our home together and baby and also I feel very strongly that one of the 13 year olds will definitely be living with him in the next few years as she’s clashing terribly with her mum and is often just dropped on the doorstep when mum has enough so how would be be able to just leave her there?

Huge argument followed where he said I was selfish, that nobody comes above his children and that I needed to have a termination and fuck off basically.

I was in floods of tears, had been sick all that morning so felt like death and he just repeated over and over “ You’ve made it clear it won’t work so get out “ or “ I want to console you but there’s no point so just leave “

That was 2 weeks ago and there’s been no contact since

He doesn’t know the pregnancy ended in a early miscarriage, he doesn’t know whether I had to have a termination or chose to continue with the pregnancy regardless - nothing

I’m struggling to function - I feel like my heart has been ripped out

please talk some sense into me that this was always the inevitable and wouldn’t work anyway

I am so sorry you have just lost your baby but l have to say , l thought to myself you have had a lucky escape.
They all sound horrendous.
Give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened. I so hope you feel much better soon bless you 💐

I'd say you've had a really lucky escape, you can't say you'd honestly want to be in a serious relationship with a man with no aspirations?

We all do crazy things when we leave marriages I think, I know I did. Then I very quickly realised and spent a long time, years, just focusing on me and my kids. I date occasionally but I can honestly say I'm happy on my own.

I base everything on “ connection “

I’ve been like this as a teenager so the poster who said I sound like a teenager is very much correct - it hasn’t changed for me as if I feel there’s that there, literally nothing else matters and sometimes that’s taken years for me to realise that it’s not enough.

To any outsider, I would think they had totally lost the plot telling me this guy was the “ one “ - I know I would but when I’m in it I can’t seem to see out of it.

I haven’t replied to the messages, just deleted as they’ve come through.

I guess it’s just hard feeling so alone after I’ve had an emotional tie for the last year and we’ve been in very regular contact ( again this wouldn’t be realistic if he had a full time job I know ) but it’s a lot of contact to suddenly just lose 😢

Jesus, woman, you dodged a massive bullet there. How could you imagine any future with a lazy man like that?? He sounds like a useless dosser

You can find a connection with a man who isn’t a walking red flag. I am very sorry for your loss OP and wish you peace- for your own sanity, you need to start picking men on the basis of something other than connection, particularly as you’re a mother.

The problem with some men who are terribly good at chatting and listening, and forming intense connections with you, and jumping in with both feet, and messaging a lot and talking about their emotions, and being very loving - which can all feel AMAZING after marriage where that's been lacking - is that they can be led by emotions and searching for that passion and don't always stick around,

Sometimes it's true that the light that burns the brightest fizzles out the fastest.

Also you're an adult now, not a teenager. And you have kids. You need to think with your head as well as your heart when dating and choosing a partner.

The second I saw his son smoking weed and being verbally abusive to his dad I would've jumped in my car and driven like a bat out of hell. Why on earth would you want to get involved in that?

I guess I stupidly thought maybe I could help
I felt very sorry for the son that he has no contact with his own mum so I almost wanted to be that in a way

Quite frankly, don't be silly. You have your own children to take care of. You are not at this boy's parents and he would never thank you for any intervention. You are not put on this earth to save other people's badly brought up children. You do enough of that as a teacher! Put yourself in your family first and stop trying to be a people pleaser.

He's a parent not a carer for his son, or at least should be. He made his father, now his son, into a job so that he didn't need to work for a living and support his family. God knows how that expectation has impacted the son.

I'm sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is a trauma, regardless of whether you were conflicted about it.

As for this man..
He will drain you emotionally and financially.

Do you want your children around his? Your children sound vulnerable and I feel like there would be serious issues mixing his son in with them.

Also this man is lazy, looking for any excuse not to have a job and when you told him you were possibly pregnant (the most vulnerable state a woman can be in) he swore at you and abandoned you.

He will continue to abandon you any time.m you do something he doesn't like.

Stay strong, please. You are worth so much more than this loser.

Do some work on your attachment style and find yourself outside of a relationship.

You will be so much happier and settled even in 6 months :)

I'm sorry for your loss, having a miscarriage is a huge loss.

But you seem to have no sense of xxx. You are presumably ND aswell, because nearly all parents of ND children are. You never seem to calm down, take stock, of what's around you. You keep charging in manically, with no self reflection, then later seem surprised it's all gone wrong.

ASD Dh still wants to reconcile, but can't see the problems? Did you have counselling post marriage? No consideration of who you are and why you allowed yourself to end up there?

You then steam ahead and are in love, with a totally unsuitable man, who himself has boundary issues.

And then after a year, in a testing time of panic, he shows his true colours. How someone behaves in an emergency is very telling. He completely abandoned you. Abd didn't have your back. That tells you everything you need to know.

worse still he hasn't called. How can you walk away from a woman having your child? (He doesn't yet know you have sadly now miscarried)?

This is all such a mess. But really you shouldn't be surprised because all the warning signs were there? Why are you not more concerned about the fact you missed all the massive warning signs?

Calm down, slow down and take stock. Di you have no support system? Where are all your friends, family, help to support you?

Honestly, you have dodged a bullet here. This man is wrong on so many counts raising a dysfunctional family. You and your family will suffer through your bad choices if you continue the relationship with him.

I think @Oblomov25 makes some really good points. Of course you are hurt - you have just had a miscarriage and the person you thought you loved proved themselves to be a complete arsehole. But the signs were there already - he has not patented the children he has, why on earth would be want to start again.

And what was the end game? His children would bloom under your gentle guidance and become solid citizens? He would move to yours and would become an engaged individual, working hard to integrate himself into your community? Your own ND child would welcome this man and his merry gang into your lives and embrace them like family. None of this is realistic at all.

You deserve to be happy and to feel connection and love. You deserve to be at peace in your life. Please take some time for yourself, to mourn your marriage and your miscarriage and to reflect on who you are now, and what is important to you. See if you can find that connection outside of a romantic relationship. You don't need to go back to your husband and a marriage that wasn't working for you. But being on your own would be infinitely better than anything this bloke has to offer you.

He doesn’t want a relationship, he wants someone to mother his kids and buy them stuff. Bet you any money the twins are on his case about the latter. Concentrate on your own DC instead.

I am sorry for your miscarriage 💐. I had a couple, don't underestimate how this will affect your emotions, on top of everything else.

But I think you will look back at this and be grateful that nature took this course. You couldn't have successfully raised a child with this man, your parenting styles and expectations are wildly different, you would have ended up doing it alone.

I recommend counselling. Your are already processing the end of a long marriage, (guilt about how your own kids are reacting to this?) and now a miscarriage. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to grieve your losses.

What happens in the future is very dependent on how you feel after the counselling.

Whether you stay single, enter into a new relationship or investigate trying again with DH will be up to you, but from everything you said, this last bloke should definitely be left in the past.

Don't beat yourself up about feeling a connection with someone. It's not unusual to feel a connection with other people, and to feel they are meeting an emotional need - but it doesn't mean it has to pass beyond friendship into a relationship.

I’ll reply in a bit but I likely do have ADHD

I am a complete mess I know this - I trusted my heart and it completely let me down

What on earth attracted you to an unemployed benefit cheat who is a diabolical parent. Oh and lives 6 hour round journey from you.

unfathomable

Stop listening to your “heart”

and parent the heck up OP! Do you work? Have friends?

All of this!!

Also, I think you really need to focus on yourself for a while because you seem very vulnerable. You need stronger boundaries so you can take better care of your own needs and make choices that are best for you. You got enmeshed in this whole mess of a family far too quickly and became emotionally invested in a way that would always end in pain for you.

There are a couple of books that you might find useful: Women Who Love Too Much, and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. Some counselling might be beneficial too.

I base everything on “ connection

and look where it’s got you Op

He sounds like car crash. I think this thing is very common though, its not a you thing. ie leave a long term marriage in your 40s and find someone who appears to be the absolute opposite to your ex only it turns your life in to chaos.

On the not working front, my recent ex walked out of his job and said it didn't matter because he was on UC (15yr old daughter lived with him). Our relationship, went to pot. We had nothing to talk about, my work was just ramping up and he was talking about what he was cooking for dinner and going for long bike rides. I lost a lot of respect for him and had to end it. Do you not feel the same at all?

Bit old not to realise how pregnancies are made, isn't he?

Sounds like an absolute POS.

Gosh OP - this man and his children sound like a nightmare.

1. Left his wife and moved in with a neighbour a week later.
2. Lives in a cramped flat with a teenage son who takes drugs. One of his daughters won’t go to school, is a shoplifter and things are so bad, the school has flagged up how poor their home life boundaries are.
3. He has very little money and when you got pregnant, essentially kicked you out of his home.

Can you imagine trying to blend his boundry-less children into your family, especially when your own children have ND? This sounds like a lifetime of pain and struggle with a man and his family who can’t get their lives together.

A breakup is emotionally very painful and can be totally devastating but honestly, this sounds like you dodged a huge bullet.

I didn’t realise he was a benefit cheat to be fair but yes he absolutely could work part time at least considering his son doesn’t even really attend school

It felt like some sort of connection that I can’t explain and this is the problem with me - everything else goes out of the window then as I think this “ feels “ right