Emotionally drained. Not sure what to do?

[MrsShelby2]

I’m feeling emotionally drained and could really use some advice or perspective.

I’ve been with my partner for years. He’s my daughter’s stepdad (she’s 16), and over time I’ve started to realise just how emotionally dismissive and controlling he can be and how often he flips situations to make me feel like I’m the problem.

I’ve been really unwell the last couple of days high fever, aches, totally bedbound and he’s offered next to no support. He’s been more concerned with his Xbox, moaning about the bathroom being in use, or reminding me how he’s ill too (even though he had no fever and went out to get his hair cut). I dragged myself downstairs to feed the dog and he said, “Why didn’t you just shout me? Stop being a baby.”

What’s pushed me over the edge is how he reacts when I try to express how I feel. If I raise something serious, he stonewalls me, saying right okay, right okay over and over again, talks over me, mocks me, or walks away saying “blah blah blah.” Last night I was trying to speak to him calmly and he literally told me to “go upstairs.” That made me feel like a child being told off — in my own home — when all I wanted was to be listened to.

We ended up arguing and he told me I’m not going on the holiday we have booked in three weeks. As if he gets to decide that to punish me. I never said I didn’t want to go he just threw it at me like a threat. I’ve been the one sorting everything, and now he’s weaponising it.

He also constantly says things like “this is my house, I pay the bills,” even though we both work and share a joint account. It’s like my contributions are insignificant.
He talks over me, repeats things like “double standards” just to drown me out. If I defend my daughter when he’s harsh with her, he says I always take her side. I feel like I can’t win. It’s exhausting.

I’m just so angry and heartbroken. It’s like he has zero emotional awareness or empathy, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. Even my daughter has noticed how much he moans and how little he seems to care about how anyone else feels.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of behaviour? How did you get your strength back? I’m at the point where I don’t even know if I want to go on holiday with someone who treats me like this. I just want to feel heard and safe in my own home.

Thanks for reading. I feel a bit lost.

Sounds awful and pointless now OP. Steps towards separating seem wise.

Look after yourself. You’re allowed to be happy and heard.

Remove this vile bully from your life, OP. Get your finances in order and start working towards it now. You and your DD deserve better.

Well done for seeing it 💐

You cannot change a man like this. This is how it is. You do deserve to feel safe and heard in your own home but this will not happen while he's living in it.

Start planning to split up.

Please OP, get this absolutely bully out of your daughter and your life.
Do you really nog get how toxic an environment this is for her and you.

Stop discussing anything.
Get planning.
Get on to Women's aid for support.
Can you and your child stay anywhere?

Just before he will know you are gone, take EVERY penny from that account that is yours.

Also have you contributed to the house financially?
If so, speak to a solicitor about making a substantial claim.
Note that you are leaving due to coercive control and abuse.
Get proof if you have it.
Bills, utilities etc.
Print out the shared account.

Usually pricks like him are advised to pay you off as if you can prove you have paid towards the house, cheaper than fighting.

You need to reach out for support.
But gather proof first.
Hope you feel better soon.
Don't go on the holiday.
Have ypu paid towards it?
Cancel it.
Have you cancellation insurance?
If so ask your GP to give you a letter supporting you not going because of his abuse of you.

You can do this.

Get some advice from woman’s refuge someone to chat to that can help you . He will drag you down so you feel worthless and your start thinking it’s your fault. It’s easy to tell you to up and leave but I know it’s not that simple . Get advice asap .Be free from this bully and start a new happy life .

Stay quiet, get physically well and mentally strong, don’t mention the holiday. Let him go on his own. Keep your passport and your daughter’s passport safe - you will need them for ID.

You need to model to your daughter how to respond to a man like this. He can blah blah blah out of your lives.

ALL of this, with bells on.

Put your passport somewhere safe. Hide his. Break up before the holiday, go on the holiday without him and then live a lovely life forever when you get back.

It all came to a head today as My daughter texted me whilst I was in bed saying “there’s f* all to eat in this house.” I don’t tolerate that kind of language, so I went downstairs and told her off for swearing at me in a text. I handled it calmly but firmly.

Then my partner jumped in and said, “Who do you think you are speaking to your mum like that?” which was fine at first, but when she said something back (nothing outrageous), he suddenly snapped and said:

“This is MY house, I pay the bills. If you don’t like it, go elsewhere.”

That really shocked me. It made my daughter feel like she isn’t wanted here like her place in her own home depends on whether she ‘pleases’ him or not. I immediately said to him, “Don’t speak to her like that this is her home too.”

Instead of reflecting or apologising, he just got defensive and said, “I knew this would come back on me.” It felt like he was more concerned about being ‘right’ than about how hurtful his words were.

He’s her stepdad, not her biological father, and I’m worried about the impact this kind of behaviour has on her sense of belonging and security in her own home.

Is the house in his sole name?
Do not go on holiday with him - he needs to know how you respond to threats and it’s not going to be in a way he likes.

Your poor daughter.
There's fuck all to eat in this house is just a light hearted comment.

No it’s a joint mortgage.

Which her mother can deal with without The Man of the House jumping in and issuing threats.

Good, he’s got quite the shock coming to him when you split the proceeds.

I did deal with. I said please don’t text swearing and then made her something to eat. Teens always say “there’s nothing to eat” even when you have done a full shop.

Well then next time he talks about it being HIS house, you need to correct him that it’s your joint house.
But there actually shouldn’t be a next time, you need to end the relationship with this awful man because you and your daughter deserve better than controlling and threatening behaviour.

As you have a joint mortgage call Women's Aid and get legal advice on how to to proceed with separating. That's sounds a horrible atmosphere. I wish you well.

Oh, I know - mine always looks into the full cupboards and freezer, says there’s nothing to eat and asks for a takeaway. Apart from the swearing it’s normal teenage behaviour in my experience.

Agree - he can go on his hols and OP can get legal advice.