I said too much didn’t I? How to recover from it ….

[Teancoffee134]

I’m due on my period and feeling a little sensitive - I know it not good enough reason but here goes:

I know this school mum for 2 years now and we’ve had the odd conversation at a child’s party and drop offs and pick ups etc. just casual conversations really. Yesterday I invited her to my home as the kids requested play date. I was stressed evening before as house was a mess so stayed up late cleaning, on the day I was stressed making lunch and getting house sorted again. Overall it was a lovely play date but I feel I revealed too much about my life: I hinted at SA when I was a child to explain my over protectiveness at not allowing DD sleepovers. I didn’t go into details but just explained I had childhood trauma at her age which makes me over protective. I also mentioned I don’t feel the mums were welcoming when we first joined the school (we started later due to relocation). I also told her about my insecurity over my body image that’s why I didn’t attend any evening events so maybe mums being unwelcome is my fault as I don’t really feel comfortable after giving birth. I think that’s all I said maybe I said more - I could have told her lots more e.g. about my DH and my issues! But thankfully I did not say a word about this. Incase I get asked the kids were outside playing and we were inside do they heard nothing.

I feel embarrassed. I feel annoyed at myself but maybe this was the breaking point I needed to force done changes hi my life. One bring get healthy and become comfortable in my own skin.

I don’t think she’ll say anything as she says herself she doesn’t feel involved with the other mums too

Oh love don’t worry. I’ve done this too. Next time you might think before you say stuff when you remember how you’re feeling now. Perhaps you need to talk to someone though, was she the kind of person who was kind and listening, this is how it happens to me!

I wouldn't worry.

If it was too much she'll steer clear. If she appreciates your openness then it may be the start of a lovely friendship.

Either way it's done now. You can't unsay it. Any headspace you give it now is a complete waste of time and energy so you may as well put it to bed and think about/do something else.

@THEP0PE thank you. I just feel she must think I’m so stupid for telling her all this. I hate myself.

Try not to worry. You obviously felt comfortable with her to be able to tell her these things and she too indicated she wasn't involved with the others that much to reassure you. Hopefully it's the start of a great new friendship.

(from another over sharer)

@NuffSaidSam @Spirallingdownwards truthfully I don’t want a friend, I might come across in my conversations with people that I’m looking for a connection and maybe in my mind I play to that if that makes sense? But truthfully I want to be alone as I’m happier just myself and the kids. I know this will sound crazy but I think I was trying to get her to feel sorry for he and appear weak? This sounds do weird I know! I think it’s from childhood when I would use this as a defence

Wow that was pretty deep yes! But hopefully she’s empathetic and sensitive and can handle it. I personally love deep conversations and vulnerability so I would have been well up for that! Hate small talk and niceties 😁

I could be wrong, but I think you do what a friend. That's why you are worrying you overshared, you're worried you ruined the chance of a friendship. The defence mechanism is telling yourself you don't want friends.

Have you got any autistic/ADHD traits ? I only ask as my lovely friend (doesn't overshare, in fact she's quite standoffish with what she'll share at times ) but she'll 'relax' and just have a normal level intimacy with someone and then go over and over it in her head and be paranoid that she's overshared (when she hasn't) she has autism.

I have anxiety and (probably ADHD, well definitely) but I'm not into diagnoses. And I get nervous socially and say silly things /go a bit hyper and then come home and cringe thinking they hate me.

It sounds to me like you were flustered and nervous and were filling in things to say and started revealing things about yourself as a conversation filler (provoked by nerves) and then had a chance to sit and think about it.

What I've learnt is : generally mentally completely sound people don't overthink and overplay on a loop their conversations with people. Anxious people do. (That includes me )

She won't be thinking about it to the degree you are. Personally speaking, I prefer raw and honest people, I feel more relaxed around them. I find small talk achingly hard. I also pick up on other people's vibes and if they're guarded with me, I mirror them, and then it makes me anxious and hyper aware of what I'm then saying to them.

Sharing and being honest isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think, when it comes to very heavy stuff said very soon on (such as SA revelations) some people can get frightened that they're being lined up as a support crutch and it frightens them off. They sense neediness and vulnerability, which some people haven't got the headspace to handle. But it doesn't sound like you came across like that at all.

I'd not think about this interaction anymore. Just be friendly and casual when you do see her. Don't mention it or try to make "excuses" for any perceived over sharing - you'll only dig yourself in a hole.

Please don't sweat this

Also, I think as a society we're now aware that gossiping and "slagging off/bitching/moaning" about others is cheap entertainment and a crass way to bond with other women (I'm glad of that) . But only a couple of decades ago, it was the "norm" and how women often socialised and bonded with each other. It's a very easy social glue. It's low effort, the focus is off you, and it releases bonding hormones. Back in the old days, it was just acceptable behaviour.

Luckily, we do tend to look at people who talk in those ways distastefully. I think we've become more socially aware.

But if you're nervous and anxious and a bit tense , it can be a quick go to (like mentioning the other school mums ) you're only human. Doing it the hard way (asking what her DH does for work, any renovation plans, holidays etc ) can be harder work and less "interesting" but there all good places to start. Then you build on it.

@SquashedMallow thank you. I think I do have adhd and autism traits but that could be a developmental delay due to my childhood trauma. I’ve done research into this and they say having a trauma in childhood can show up as these

Oh god don't worry about that

She was probably relieved you opened up

I think most if not all have done exactly what you describe, I did a few weeks ago and then was mortified after. Seen the other mum since and it's all fine and had another playdate.

I think with what you deacribe with your past and current issues with DH that you should organise counselling through your GP. It's good to have an outlet, and if you don't want friends then that is fine hut you need to still have a support network.

I have had counselling but found it to be a waste of my time. DH jokes that I have seen almost every therapist in our home town!

If this stands out to you as an event, it doesn’t seem very adhdish - symptom of adhd is over sharing so you’d feel this way basically all the time after every interaction. Do you often feel like this? (Not saying you do or don’t have adhd though and yes trauma can manifest as neurodivergent-esque traits.

you seem less concerned about her opinion of you and more worried about getting to some kind of crisis/breakdown point in your life. We all need to feel heard and seen so you could share here?

@Devonshiregal no not after every interaction but I would say with certain people I overshare - funnily enough those I feel awkward around, the ones I have a laugh and joke with nothing heavy is every spoken about.

In terms of what I want to be seen or heard about is that I feel unable to have fulfilling relationships as I was SA by a male relative for around 2 years of my life from age of 7-9. I had awful siblings too and being the youngest they would often beat me up just for a laugh. The eldest is 12 years older than me and would overpower the younger me very easily, my parents never got involved. School never questioned the bruises and cuts on my face or body. I basically felt alone and scared most of my childhood. I remember locking myself in toilet the entire night as I was scared but no one came looking for me. I don’t remember ever having many family meal together it was usually just eat what u can find, my mother never asked if I have eaten anything, fast forward to now I have a DH who doesn’t ask if I’m okay or how my day was ( one therapist said this hurts as it reminds me of my mum), it’s basically just like room mates. I do feel alone but I’m so tired all the time I just want to be alone with my kids who make me really happy, my whole life is my kids, everything else comes second

@BookArt55 sorry you feeling like this too. Did u reveal things to the extent I did or more casual things? So she was on sublime nothing happened - that’s good actually.

im worried incase she’s shared with her DH and he shares with others - I see him everyday at drop offs!

I went for a coffee with a neighbour once and she told me about a very traumatic thing that had happened to her that really affected her family. I wasn't expecting it, but didn't mind in the slightest.

With all of this what you're describing is social anxiety. It's ok, I feel like this after every social interaction. Counselling helped.

It sounds like it came up on the course of the conversation and you didn't just blurt out everything on your mind without prompting.

Also she seemed to agree with at least some of what you said so I don't think you hadn't read the room. As in she agreed about the not particularly sociable atmosphere at school and you also knew not to reveal your marital issues.

Maybe you said more than you were expecting but I don't know that you were totally over spilling. I'd see how she is, when you bump into her again. Try not to worry. I am getting the impression at least part of this is social anxiety

I would say that even if she decides not to continue meeting, I don't think you said anything to scare the horses and you can hold your head up.

xx