Stepchild (3) saying concerning things about her mum

[safezone]

I’ve been in my stepchild’s life for 2 years, she is with us “technically” 50% as per the court order, but she is actually here a lot more because her mum asks my partner to have her extra nights if she is away for the weekend or wants a break. We’ve always been totally fine with this. Recently her mum has been calling my partner late at night (he doesn’t answer) and then will send a text saying that her daughter is acting up and won’t sleep. Partner has asked her to contact him only in an emergency as he can’t parent over the phone.

She came to us on Saturday morning and her mum was saying she had been “a nightmare”, hitting her and screaming. Stepchild has been fine here but said to me last night when we were playing “mummy was shouting and screaming and crying”. I said “oh no that’s not good” and she said “she was so loud”. I told my partner and I’m concerned as is he.

I do think she struggles - DSD has come here in dirty clothes, nappies (she is toilet trained), dirty finger nails and tatted hair before. Dsd has also imitated her mummy being sick when she was hungover.

im really concerned about her, but I am also aware it’s not my place at all to say anything or do anything.

I don’t have kids - is this normal? Should kids be exposed to screaming and parents crying? Partner is at his wits end but is scared she will make things harder for him if he says anything. there are no tantrums here so I don’t know how it is for her. I just don’t want dsd to be scared or anxious

If this were reversed and it was dad, everyone would be screaming he's abusive. Because it's mum, she must be 'struggling'. Munsnet double standards here again.

Dad doesn't need to sit with her, she can't stop you attending of you organise extra tickets via the school office. Dad can add you to the pick up list and inform mum. She could remove you again, but it would be seen as unreasonable as her husband is on the list and there are no safeguarding concerns about you.

I do think there are big concerns wjth mum. I think you need to keep a diary and evidence everything. Eventually it may be worth going to court to get it all in writing so she can't threaten to stop contact. Also to get support as mum isn't caring appropriately for daughter when dad can.

Why is this your problem to sort and not the child's father?

I think your DH needs to speak to the nursery asap. Tomorrow morning. Explain what he's noticed, factually, and ask if they have any concerns. Eg does she miss days without notice? Does she arrive in dirty clothes?

Then I'd consider contacting social services. If they have a court order he has legal recourse if she ceases visitation.

All parents shout sometimes. Regularly screaming and crying, though, isn't normal. I think "how did that make you feel?" is a perfectly ok response to DSD taking about things like this. As much as possible, let DSD take the lead in conversations.

Because she cares.

Ok, so time to change things.

Your DH has parental rights so the school cannot stop him from attending events etc and neither can his ex. He has the right to be involved in his daughter’s life and find out things that are happening at nursery/school etc. Your DH can put your name down as a contact. It’s not all the ex’s decision. How many times on hear do you hear of mum’s being unable to prevent their abusive husband’s collecting children from school etc? Schools cannot stop them without a court order precisely because they have parental responsibility so they have the legal right to collect their child. What I’m saying is that your DH is not powerless here.

If ex is blocking contact then he takes her to court. Everything should be done in the best interest of the 3 yr old and I personally don’t think that should include living with a mum who can’t even do basic parenting. No wonder she was “tantruming” at 11pm, she would have been exhausted. That is neglectful, especially if it’s happening regularly. How often is mum going out drinking? What about her husband? Does he go out too? Chaotic households are not in the best interest of children. Being shunted from pillar to post, seeing your mum barfing due to being hungover, the shouting, crying, aggression…not a great start to life.

Why doesn’t DSD come live with you then mum can have contact when she’s got free time? Both of you can provide a settled, secure, reliable life and she can have erratic contact with mum at the weekends.

Hang on…just reread the bit about being dropped off at the neighbours!! Does DH know the neighbour?? I have never known my neighbours well enough to leave my 3 yr old overnight with them. I know it’s not totally unheard of, but even with the neighbours I’d consider friends, there is no way I’d be leaving a young child with them overnight especially when dad would take them.

That’s really bad.

We have made it more than clear to DSDs mum that she is always welcome here, but we know she keeps dropping her off at her sisters, mums or neighbours overnight if she is out drinking. I don’t think she’s an alcoholic but definitely prioritises a night out inside of being with DSD.

Your DH has to wind his neck in with his "he won't engage with her" and start putting his child first.

Why is passively allowing his child to be dropped off at random neighbours?

If mum calls at 11pm and the child is saying worrying things then he should be going to collect his child if necessary. If his child is in an unsafe situation then he needs to start being proactive about it and stop just ignoring anything that happens on Mums time

If he's leaving her in an unsafe situation then he's complicit in the situation and isn't someone who should currently be having more children until he takes proper care of the one he's for.

It's called respect though, if the child's mum doesn't want the OP at her child's events then I'd respect that.

As an aside, poor kid is only 3, she has all these random stepparents involved in her life, she gets shipped off to different houses. It's not great

'DSD has come here in dirty clothes, nappies (she is toilet trained), dirty finger nails and tatted hair before. Dsd has also imitated her mummy being sick when she was hungover.' It sounds to me like she is neglecting her daughter, whether due to her own mental health, alcoholism or whatever is irrelevant. She is manipulative and clearly doesn't have the necessary skills to parent her daughter. The child is not in a good place & I would seriously consider getting professional advice before the situation gets worse.

OP is supporting the child 50% of the time, has been in her life for 2 out of 3 years, and will soon have the little sibling of this child. She isn't going anywhere. If the step dad can attend then so can the step mum. Equal and respectful. It should be about what the child wants and not what mum wants (unless there are safety concerns about OP, but it seems like the safety concerns about mum).

She's not going anywhere? She's been on the scene for 2 years. It's not even a long term relationship yet.

And yes, respect. Respect the mums wishes instead of pushing yourself in on events when you've been on the scene for around 24 months. I certainly wouldn't be stepping on toes like this. Why would you? What is actually the need to push your presence into events like this when the child's mother does not want you at her 3 year old daughters event?