To want a break from him after

[HelloVeraPlant]

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years, have a 23 month old. He recently had a major operation and is recovering well.

Before he became ill we had a few confrontational conversations about his female friends. I don’t want to sound jealous - he has 2 female friends that he has known way before me, one a colleague and the other mothers his Godchild.

But he is constantly messaging them! He never puts down his phone when we are together doing nothing, and when he goes to the toilet or gets up it’s usually a bunch of messages from his female friend.

He swears they are just friends and he values their friendship as they’ve know eachother for ages - but I’m starting to feel paranoid!

Webe not been intimate since baby was born, so maybe that is playing a role - but I’m just so tired of the constant messaging. He mentiones them in conversation -with me alot (“so and so has done this” “so and So said I’m like x” “so and so has invited me for a breakfast” and I just feel weird.

Im upset - perhaps I should have seen it coming but AIBU to want a very long break from this relationship. What if the break pushes him into their arms. I want space away from him. But I don’t know how to navigate this. And what I’m asking for

Do not take a break. Tell him how you’re feeling and that you’d like him to be more present with you and DC. Agree on and implement “rules” for phone use. Something like, both of you put your phones down from 5pm - 9:30pm, or something.

Also ask to read those messages, and see how he reacts. If he’s secretive about it, I’d be worried, and that warrants snooping, imo

23 months? He's in someone's arms.

You’ve not had sex in 23 months?? I’m sorry but that is just asking for trouble in your relationship.

No sex of any kind in 23 months??? Sounds like what you are these days is just housemates and that his best mates are on the end of the phone.
Frankly you knew that he had these buddies when you were dating, and also knew about them prior to moving in with this guy and having a child with him. The time to query his friendships with these women was BEFORE you started living together/had the baby!

You both need to be grown ups and figure out what you actually want from a relationship. Sounds like you have some big time communication issues and some very differing viewpoints on what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship. You're both going to have to put in some work here - it sounds like you aren't really going to be happy with him ever having female friends/chatting with them about stuff if you aren't involved in the subject matter of the convo. And it sounds like he has known these people and they are like family to him.

Suggest that if you actually want this relationship to work that you get some relationship counselling - hopefully with him too. At the very least you need to figure out why on earth you haven't been intimate since the baby arrived (and presumably weren't especially intimate before baby arrived either).

Sadly it seems to me like you are in a relationship that is just convenient in terms of not wanting to put the effort in to finding something better/having to figure out living by yourself. Ask yourself: if you didn't have the child with his guy and you could easily move into a different place to live tomorrow without any hassle would you still want to be with this guy??? If the answer is no then do yourself a favor and stop wasting your precious time.

Sounds like he has two sister type figures, especially if one is his mother's godchild. Presumably they grew up together. Why the lack of intimacy between you? I admit it was 2 years at least after the girls were born for us. We were just busy with twins and work and by the time we were alone it was into bed and out like a light. It took effort and a real commitment to get our relationship back on track. Have you discussed the issues between you, why the lack of intimacy and why he needs to be so involved in others lives while he has his own to live.

Assuming no affair, what's he getting from them? Does he find your life together so dull he needs to get some enjoyment from hearing about theirs?

Thanks for your replies

to answer some of the questions

@NeymeChenge good idea but I do bring up the fact he he always on his phone, but he doesn’t say much about it. A few times he will say “well I’m adult”.

@Yellowbone @JMSA @Caligirl80 yes it has been ages. To be honest I completely lost libido after the baby was born. I’ve never felt like that bed fire. I just had zero interest in sex, then he became ill and he was bed bound and that lasted 6 months so he had zero interest. We had a great sex life prior to the child, and a great relationship - both friendship and partnership- as in pretty much equal contribution towards housework etc. I have known about both of these women from the beginning. And he was very very open about how they met and what their friendship is like.

He mentioned (earlier in the relationship) that his work colleague did ask him out ages ago, but since they have just been friends. With the other I know she has been through a lot with abusive men etc and he helped her out financially and as a friend - all of this was before I came into the picture - so I’ve known that he is close to these women.

We argued about one of the mm before he became sick because she gives him presents that I found inappropriate - unless I just don’t get their sense of humour and inside jokes? But it left me feeling uneasy but he reassured me.

@Caligirl80 and @BigFatLiar I think our lives are very different post baby. We feel like different people. We still have a laugh, he is great as a dad, I definitely feel like I do more - but a lot of it is down to him becoming ill and me having had almost a year of maternity leave. Our baby is also very clingy and is in the same room as is still so that makes intimacy difficult.

I wonder if I’m just overwhelmed, realising our relationship isn’t as intimate and wondering if he is getting it from elsewhere

I agree with you all - there are questions I need to ask myself and him …

To answer your question, he WILL end up getting sex elsewhere if he hasn’t already. I understand and sympathise about the health thing, but two years without sex isn’t normal.
Your child is two years old so you can’t use the ‘clingy baby’ excuse forever to avoid sex. If this relationship means anything to you, put the work in.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but take it from one who knows. Your relationship is doomed if you carry on like this.

@HelloVeraPlant did you tell him he’s an adult who’s not nearly as focused on his family as he should be, such that boundaries with the phone need to be established? Or an adult who’s supposed to work with his spouse to give your marriage half a chance?