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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dh to tell minister i'm an atheist?

20 replies

Tolalola · 21/05/2008 16:40

DP's a christian, I'm an atheist. He wants to get our DS (5 months) christened. I feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing, but said if he wants to organise it etc, then I won't object. It would mean a lot to DP and to my family as well.

However I want it made clear to the clergyman that I am an atheist, and that I will attend, but will not be taking part in the cermony. DP thinks IABU and that I should just 'go along with it' to avoid complications. What do you think?

OP posts:

bundle · 21/05/2008 16:43

dh told the catholic priest who baptised our daughters, he was v cool about it. in fact they went on to talk about genesis, and i don't mean teh bible....

TheProvincialLady · 21/05/2008 16:43

I think you are right and your DP is wrong. You will both have to meet him to arrange the christening and he surely doesn't expect you to lie and worse, say/vow things you don't mean? That is a bizarre attitude for a christian.

Nagapie · 21/05/2008 16:48

A christening can be a lot of things to a lot of people - thanksgiving ceremony, introduction of the child to a christian life, 'the right thing to do'...

You are not happy with the Christian flavour of the ceremony so can you and your DH not forego it and find another alternative??

AMumInScotland · 21/05/2008 16:50

YANBU - be totally honest about it, they can take it!

KerryMum · 21/05/2008 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greyriverside · 21/05/2008 17:02

You're completely right. Imagine turning it around and DH saying to the minister "you can come round my house, but you will have to lie about being a priest"

KerryMum · 21/05/2008 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bundle · 21/05/2008 17:08

(sorry i missed out the crucial bit: dh is an atheist; me & our daughters are Catholics)

AMumInScotland · 21/05/2008 17:08

I imagine the clergyman will be far happier understanding that you are not going to be involved, and your reasons, than having you being half-hearted about it, or being there but not taking part on the day. You can presumably sit through the service to show that you respect your DHs decision and are involved, but without joining in the "parents and godparents" words in the service, since you would have to say things which would be hypocritical.

Believe me, clergy do not want people "going along with it". They'll be fine about having one parent who is making a positive choice about baptism and one who does not believe in it.

Original poster

Tolalola · 21/05/2008 17:09

Thanks for the advice, glad that others have sorted this out ok!

Nagapie: seems like a good suggestion, maybe try to organize something a bit more secular alongside or instead of trad christening.

Kerrymum: we're not actually married (sorry, my mistake putting dh instead of dp in header) regardless of that...he's never shown any signs of being religious before, not even church at Christmas, but now suddenly he's really set on a christening. Guess it's just another unexpected new fatherhood feeling...

OP posts:

KerryMum · 21/05/2008 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 21/05/2008 17:19

I think you should tell the minister you are an atheist. Your husband doesn't seem comfortable with it - you should be completely comfortable with it.

lailasmum · 21/05/2008 17:20

Maybe a non religious naming ceremony would be more suitable. You can each incorporate a elements you feel comfortable with. My DH is a lapsed Christian and I put my foot down about having our kids christened, I think he would like to but its not even a faith that he seems to follow.

Original poster

Tolalola · 21/05/2008 17:35

I'm a teeny bit annoyed that the whole thing seems to have come out of nowhere all of a sudden, but am trying to be understanding. I know firsthand that you can never predict how you'll feel about things until you actually have little baby depending on you for everything.

I'm perfectly happy with telling the minister that i'm an atheist, but I wasn't really planning on being involved in the organization of the whole event. Who should I contact about possibly doing a naming ceremony? Is there a secular equivalent of godparents?

OP posts:

cestlavie · 21/05/2008 17:44

Tolalola: I had a very similar situation in which DW (who is fairly lax Christian) wanted to get DD christened whereas I, on the other hand, am an atheist. At the end of the day what it came down to was who felt more passionately that DD should or shouldn't be christened - ultimately we went with her being christened because DW felt more passionately that she should be than I felt otherwise.

When the vicar came round we were upfront about it - we just said DW is Christian, I'm an atheist but I'm supportive of DW's decision to have DD baptised and DW will be responsible for her spiritual welfare (yada-yada-yada). Vicar was fine with this. Personally, it clearly meant a lot to DW so on that basis I was happy to support the baptism even though I didn't believe in it in the slightest.

edam · 21/05/2008 17:46

It's obviously important to dp so I'd go along with it. But yes, do be honest with the vicar. Christening doesn't confer any obligation on the child to believe anything when they grow up so won't do your ds any harm - just a nice welcoming ceremony.

If you want a non-religious naming ceremony, you get to make it up as you go along, and you can invite anyone you like to be a sponsor or whatever you want to call it. Google the national secular society, they might have some ideas.

cyteen · 21/05/2008 17:51

I'm with AMumInScotland - it's far better to be upfront and honest about your atheism, anything else would be disrespectful to all concerned.

Re. secular naming ceremonies, a friend of mine organised hers with help from the Humanist Association. All of her boys have honorary parents (or oddparents as I have sometimes heard them called ), in fact I am one to her eldest. The ceremony was lovely, she and her husband talked about what their son meant to them and the life they hoped to give him, then all of us oddparents made the usual vows to cherish and guide the child in life and be there for him as a good influence.

pookamoo · 21/05/2008 18:05

I think you should come clean, but I am sure that in the ceremony, the parents are asked to declare their faith and that they will bring the child up as a Christian (from what I remember)?
So even if you DID tell the minister, would you be happy with that part of it?

That said, I think many ministers these days are, as Bundle says, quite ok with it.
Good luck, whatever you decide!
x

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 18:12

I think that you are right to tell him, otherwise you will be making responses that you don't agree with. I would imagine that the minister would be much happier with the truth and respect you for it. Your DH and godparents can then make the responses.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 21/05/2008 18:16

I do sympathise - I was pressured in to being a godparent to my niece (in France the father's sister is supposed to be godparent to first daughter) which I did very unwillingly as I am an atheist. ( The night before the chrsitening my father had to teach me the lord's Prayer which i was supposed to recite)
So I went along with it for family harmony, but told my B & SIL that I would be happy to be a secular godparent - guardian in event of dath etc etc, but could not promise to instruct her in the catholic faith of take part in rituals. This has come back to bite me and caused a family rift as I will not do the stuff i am supposed to - eg first communion , so both I amd they feel rensentful.
I should have refused to do it at the outset.

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