Can anyone help me connect with my teenage daughter

[offnick]

If there's things we can do together

she doesn't like a lot she has turned down things like
tv shows
cinema
cooking
bowling
walks

she likes
boys
make up
her phone
being alone in her room

also we both have ADHD - she may have a pda profile, so if I push her she digs her heels in more. So maybe I'm also looking for tips to intice her as often when she's done stuff she feels better

I'm a single mum, have no family really
have some friends but feeling a bit out of connection to people - trying to keep this up though

I have autism my son has ADHD. I have to step into his world, he rarely steps into mine. Things he will engage in are:
Food - breakfast out, meal out
Football match - even a local derby, not expensive.
Ice cream, milkshake, smoothie outing.
Very occasionally a late night walk
Also I keep myself "available" for late night chats when they want to open up after not saying two words to you all day 😂. It’s really tough.

Ask her what she’d like to do with you. There might be a show she’d watch or an activity she’d do with you. It is really difficult, I have 2 who both like different things.

How old is she?

DD is nearly 13, she wouldn’t want to do an organised activity with me I don’t think, but she likes chatting to me in the car if I’m dropping her somewhere (I do sometimes have to make her put her phone away…). She sometimes chats to me while I’m cooking. I get her to empty the dishwasher or help put shopping away and we might chat then.

So we do chat but it has to be sort of accidental iyswim! Not some big plan to spend time together, she would shy away from that.

Depending on age I would ban phone in her room, it has to stay downstairs.

Could you learn TikTok dances etc together? Don’t have to post them but learning and recording them might be fun if she’s up for it.

I used to entrap mine with tea and cake when she came in from school. Then I built on that by watching a half hour programme, I think it was The Nanny 😂, then we started watching longer stuff.

What’s that make up programme on Netflix? Glow up it might be called.

I've spent a lot of time bonding with dds, one with pda, where I ret and spend short and predictable amounts of time alongside, so it's less pressure eg

Nails- both in salon at doing our own together at home with a gel machine

Thrifting- I'm always the donkey holding the clothes so dd can rummage with both hands

Cafes, Starbucks etc can be good because it's practical and relatively quick so DD won't feel a huge time commitment

Ask for help with doing chores or projects you can do together eg folding laundry, sorting out old clothes, painting the fence

Drives somewhere, location isn't important, it's the drive, the time sat alongside each other in the car that always seems to get dd talking

Not sure if this is till a thing but both my dds loves showing me their pinterest boards

My younger dd loves making junk journals out of our days out and about

Spa nights with candles, calming music (get dd to find/make a playlist if interested in music), face masks, hair masks, foot soaks

Girl dinners together

Also I keep myself "available" for late night chats when they want to open up after not saying two words to you all day 😂. It’s really tough. @Characterbuilding

Yes! Was going to add this to my list as well but it was getting long. So many late night chats in the kitchen usually 😅

Take her shopping for some new make up (if it's affordable for you), make the trip fun, maybe stop for a Costa, try on some clothes etc. When you get home, ask her to walk you through her skincare routine and then teach you some of the make up techniques she uses - perhaps you could let her do your make up for you, she may really enjoy that!

I have 2 teen DDs, and they have wildly different interests from one another, but I find that we always have fun either trying something new together, or getting them to show me (or talk to me about) something that they are really passionate about. It could be Taylor Swift, 19th century queer literature or make up (DD1) or architecture, baking and anything to do with Maths or Physics (DD2)! Find what your DD is into and ask her to share it with you.

Also I keep myself "available" for late night chats when they want to open up after not saying two words to you all day 😂. It’s really tough.
This 💯 brilliant

I definitely drifted in my relationship with mam during my teens, I was horrible at times, hormones and body changes.

Once I hit mid 20's the bond reconnected.

You don’t mention shopping in your post, that could work, especially if it includes lunch at a cafe she likes or if you offer to contribute a small amount of money to clothes or makeup she wants.

It is a difficult time because the teen years are when children really want to differentiate themselves from their parents, but I think a nice shopping trip (with little to no negative judgement on what she wants to buy unless it’s really inappropriate) could really strengthen your relationship.

My mother and I would go out for lunch and shopping.

OP my dd is 13 and Autistic.We can disconnect for days sometimes and its tough. All I want to do is give her a hug but she just doesn't do that! So we wait for a sunny day and we lay on the grass outside together and cloud watch.Blimey we see very different things in the cloud shapes and to her us argue and giggle you would think we were crazy. It is such fun and makes me feel warm and fuzzy and like I am useful in a calm way. It seems to work for now for us. Last week she took my hand and gave it a squeeze, such a simple thing but omg it made me so happy.

some really good advice here...

I want to repeat one thing which is about 'stop whatever you're doing and just listen' when they do want to talk. I only tried to limit that kind of conversation at 11:30pm-6am when I really needed to sleep, otherwise I would make space for the moment.

My teenage daughter sounds similar.

I respect that she doesn't often want to spend time with me. I don't take it personally.

I always offer to drive her to her sports matches and trainings because I love chatting in the car. She's trapped!!

We go for shopping (or window shopping) and I buy her boba or sushi (I'm not above paying for her company!!)

I listen attentively when she tells me all the tea about people I don't know. It's important to her.

I am relentlessly and vocally positive about her. The truth is, she's going through a bit of a selfish and shallow phase, but I still sing her praises and let her know how much I like her, am interested in her, and respect her choices.

Sometimes I rugby tackle her for a hug, and then make her a milo.

I think the main thing is not to take it personally, and make sure you have other sources of interest and support. That's not her job. She'll come back to you eventually.

Is she 13 or 19?

The car is a great one for a catch up chat - they feel less pressure as you are looking at the road, rather than them, but maybe you don’t drive.

Even at 15. 16, 17 had mum asked ‘would you like to do x?’ Id have said ‘thanks but no thanks’ when she said ‘I’ve booked Go-Ape, you and little bro are going on saturday’ we had a great time! (And no mum didnt climb with us, but yes - we all chatted in the car!)

Obviously, you know your daughter - stating ‘you are doing x’ or ‘we are doing x’ may not work for her

Could you get on your phone as well?
Chat via phone even if you're in the same house.
Works brilliantly with mine

Go to a big department store and have your make up done. Work your way through each counter, one counter per visit. If you do one a month that should be a good 10 months worth of activities!

I think you have to step into her world, how old is she? If younger I’d be stricter on the phone and encouraging less time on that. That’s harder as they get older though.
Things dd and I enjoyed doing together are city days out, mooching round car boots or charity shops, dog walks (got the dog when dd was 13yo and this was an excellent way to bond with dd).

It is hard though, sometimes it’s just being available to listen when she wants to moan about her friends or talk about a new boy she likes!

@AngelaBeverage point about relentlessly positive struck home, I think the world is a difficult place for a teenage girl, so cheerleading from her mum helps-she works so hard at her job and studies and is very measured in any friend dramas. I am very different from my daughter, but I appreciate her difference and admire her ability to do stuff I can't do.
She loves going out for brunch/wildlife programmes or reality tv/ gossiping/our cat.
She was a very grumpy unreasonable young teen and I had to encourage my dh to keep persevering with showing an interest/finding stuff to praise/the odd surprise bar of chocolate.

This probably totally random but one of my dc fav activities to do with me is to go to Costco together and get the free samples. I think there are sometimes influencers and videos on TikTok about how great the free samples are. So a ride in the car together, discussing whether or not we think there will be any good free samples. Wander round the shop looking and things and drive home together listening to music.

it’s very low pressure for both of you. Only one of my dc likes this though. The other thinks it’s an awful idea. But thought I would suggest just in case

When my dds were teens we would -
Go shopping
lunch/coffee
occasionally cinema
watchtv at home - Disney when they were early teens big bang /friends when older
takeaway
board games

I find that ‘car chats’ are the bedrock of a good relationship with teens. They don’t have to look you in the eye when you’re talking and they physically can’t escape the conversation.

My DC are young adults now and these are still some of the best talks - I will always offer to pick up / drop off from uni under the guise of saving them trainfare as I love our chats so much.

This how me and my 18 year old DS communicate when he’s not in the mood for an actual conversation! 😊

Nails together, going to Mecca to try things out, theatre shows, brunch?