Struggling parenting teen

[buttonm00n]

Ds is coming up 14 and we are having the usual teenage attitude, angst and self consciousness. He is and always has been a fairly sensible, loving boy but he has changed a lot in the last few years.

I really struggle with school holidays as I have younger dc who I have to take out and keep occupied and ds wants nothing to do with it. Which I understand to an extent because obviously the things that are suitable for them have no interest to him. But he will literally just spend all of his time in his room. He reads and sketches but mostly he’s on his phone or Xbox. He has been out with friends a few times in the holidays but I would say he spends 90% of his time at home in his room away from the rest of us.

I just find it hard that he chooses to be so detached. He does come through every night when the little ones are in bed and eats dinner with Dh and I. We watch a series and have a bit of a chat and that’s really nice. But should I be trying to get him to integrate more? I booked a day off (as I try to do most holidays) where he and I could just have some time together doing something more age appropriate for him but even then I felt like he’d have been just as happy sitting at home in his room. It’s really tough!

No advice but just wanted to say you are not alone, solidarity! You've basically described my DS14 behaviour to a tee. The teen years are really getting to me at the moment.

I have a 16yo who is much the same.

I insisted he did at least an hour of activity or sport per weekend, and he's finally settled on two, an hour of karate and an hour of swimming. He eats with me and is fairly polite. We might eat out together once a week. Beyond that I let him organise himself. He needs the space, He knows I'm here if he needs me.

I know it's worrying when they spend so much time on their own on screens in their room, but it really could be so much worse. Lots of 14yr old are drinking, vaping, having underage sex and low level offending. If he's not involved in any of that then you've got an easy ride so far.

I know at 14 I was doing a lot of risky things that I'm very glad ds doesn't seem to be engaging in.

We try to prize him out of his room with things he'll enjoy doing too, which mostly involves eating out or shopping for clothes!

I must admit he’s a lot more reserved than I was at his age! I think kids in general these days don’t seem to want to be out drinking or cavorting, it’s not the in thing anymore. And he does play sports too which takes up a lot of his free time, which is why I’m inclined to let the screen time slide a bit because I know he does get a good balance of exercise and social stuff.
I think I’m just struggling with his lack of interest in the family unit and simply not choosing to be around us. His attitude can be quite cutting at times too.

Same here with DS17 and has been since 14.

He will come out for some days out, especially if it’s a theme park, but the days of him coming for a walk with me round the park for an ice team are gone. But - he got a great set of GCSE results, is doing fine in 6th form, doesn’t drink or vape or do drugs, and has not been in any trouble, so we’re ok.

DS25 has long since come through the other side. He’s happy to sit with us and chat when he’s here, or go for a little walk. So hang on in there.

I’m going through the same thing, especially with my DS14. He is just not interested in spending any quality time with me at all. It’s all about his friends now. My life has revolved around my kids for so long that I feel completely lost and tossed aside, only needed for lifts and food and money. I wouldn’t accept that behaviour from anyone else and would have walked away by now but instead, I sit here downstairs while they’re up in their rooms, not engaging with me at all - waiting for them to ask for the next favour.

It sounds to me like your DS is doing what most NORMAL teens tend to do OP, the fact that he's also taking part in sport is a very good thing. Plus if he's also eating dinner with you and your DH, and watching a bit of TV and having a chat, I would say that you're doing a fine job, it's just natural that he's easing away from family life at this stage, so obviously keep an eye, and if there are any major changes that worry you, come back to MN, otherwise, thank your lucky stars!

Maybe hes completely overstimulated by the younger siblings. Young kids screaming, crying, even their happy playful noise can be a lot to tolerate if you are a peaceful person.

I read that you should try and spend some time in their world rather than making them try to join yours.

What little things can you do? Can you sneak off for a mcflurry and eat it in the car, can you sit on his bed with him and sketch something together? Would he be interested if you asked to play the xbox with him? Would he build a grwon up style lego set with you?

He doesnt sound too bad - the fact he comes down in thr evening to eat and watch TV is good enough id say. Plus the sports show hes keeping healthy.

I think you sound like a lovely mom! He's just going through the normal teen stuff. I am surprised he is eating dinner with you and dad, and not in his room. My sisters and I would beg to eat in our rooms as teens because we wanted to play games while we ate haha

If he's doing well in school, I wouldn't worry about (academically and behaviorally).

I’m not at the teen years yet so I don’t know how this feels as a parent, so feel to ignore totally, but I do remember being this age and your whole focus is on having an identity that is yours onto and separate to your parents.

i used to love being in my room listening to the radio, reading, talking to friends on the phone whatever - admittedly we didnt have screens in those days - because it was the only room in the house that felt like ‘me’ and that I had any control over

If he’s doing sport, has some friends, eats and watches some tv with you I would say that sounds a pretty healthy thing

If you have time off to do a day out can you find something he really wants to do todo with him even if you would hate it? When I was 14 that would have been a trip to London and Camden market which my mum would never do as she didn’t get why I ‘liked all that weird stuff’. Lean into whatever he wants and he will feel seen.

I was a bedroom teen in school holidays and my mum jsed to be driven to distraction by it, as she was more sociable than me and couldn't understand I was happy doing my own thing. I did see friends once a week or so and I'm a much more sociable adult, but looking back I have such fond memories of that seemingly endless time to indulge in teenage pastimes and obsessions, I drew alot and watched films, day dreamed, jumped round to music, read alot, sometimes all day. It's the only time in life you really have that time to just spend time that way, so if he's happy and he's at least doing some sports then it sounds fine.