How to get a child to open up more

[Aawwasv]

My daughter is 9 and never tells me anything important. I hear about things that have happened to her from other kids/parents. It’s been nothing major but it hurts me that she doesn’t tell me.

I was SA as a child and never told anyone till my 20’s. How can I get her to open up more? Has anyone else child been like this? Do they grow out of it or is this a personality trait? I know people say not to compare but my youngest tells me everything! Literally everything anyone was doing, saying etc. I don’t know how to help my eldest. When I try to discuss things people have told me she gets “giggly” (defence mechanism?) and tell her to be quiet and I’m annoying. Please guide me in how to deal with this.

My dc only ever open up properly when I go on a long dog walk with them into the countryside. After 10 mins or so I'll ask "so how are things going with school/friends" and take it from there. They tell me things they never mention when we are in the house or car.

My child opens up when they have something to say so they are left to it nothing worse then feeling interrogated

It is part of who they are

They don’t talk to you face to face but going on walks or sitting side by side in the car or is good. DS used to talk me to while we baked together.

Two things…firstly, she’s 9, not a lot happens to the average 9 year old, there might not be anything big (in her eyes) to discuss. Stuff that you might want to know about eg a minor falling out with a friend or getting told off at school, she may have dealt with emotionally herself not feel it relevant.

Secondly, some people just don’t like to rehash their day, some people do. My husband and I are like this, he will chat for ages about his day at work. I really just can’t be bothered.

I think the important thing is she knows that you are there for her IF she needs to tell you something. You can tell her this but also pick up on signals that something is not right (which may not happen for years). My son isn’t chatty about his day but he’d had really bad week once, I could tell he was low, asked him, he didn’t divulge anything at first, I didn’t push but gave him a hug. Later that day he did open up to me about stuff that had happened. We talked it though and it was like a weight had lifted from him. When he’s happy, his mood is good and level and he only ever says his day was “good” and “nothing much” happened.

Oh and yes to what PP are saying about stuff coming out naturally when out walking the dog or on a car journey. You’ll be chatting about something unrelated to them then the conversation may naturally drift and you find out something really interesting.

Thank you for the suggestions. I’ll try them. I think what’s got me thinking about this is that I always have to hear from other kids first. Last year she was punched and kicked by an older child but came home that day completely fine. The mother of another child contacted me to ask how she was doing, I just feel really sad she doesn’t tell me anything, there’s no signs either as she was the sane that day at pick up - I had no idea anything had happened

Kindly, this is your "stuff" making you anxious about this. Kids have different personalities and some are big talkers, others aren't. You can't force things out of them. Just be there, be a good secure base. Show you are listening and being interested in the everyday, mundane stuff, not just the big chats.

If her sibling talks and confides in you more, she also may perceive them as needier of your time and attention, so ensure they both get one on one time with you, just doing activities together, enjoying spending time with each of them for who they are.

My mum told me once that she only found out about things from my DB (younger). I’m actually very chatty, but only about things I find interesting, feelings and mundane day to day stuff, not so much. Listen to her when she does talk and match her energy and topics.

Car journeys, the key to sourcing all information.

We have had a chat I the dark in bed since toddlerhood. It all comes out there .. whether I want it to or not!! I was like your dd and didn't say a word. I was a pleaser and felt I was criticised at times, if relevant.

Don’t feel sad, it’s not personal, she just doesn’t want to go over it again.

Re the incident with the punching and kicking. If she’d have mentioned it to you, what would have happened? Likelihood, you’d have asked her a lot of questions and spoken to the school (I would!). Maybe she just didn’t want that drama. She probably should tell you significant stuff like this and you can say that to her but if it was an isolated incident, I can see why she’d just want to move on from it, I’d probably be the same.

Bedtime is when I find out everything, just lie down in her room pretend to have a rest, other options are play therapy, or if she likes acting, to do an impression of people, that how I find out things about people.around DD.

I agree it’s bedtime and car rides (we don’t have a dog so can’t speak for that). I’ve always laid in bed till my kid falls asleep and after a book or two everything comes out (he’s still young and not a lot happening but I love it and don’t plan on changing laying down until asleep unless he asks me to).