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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To email or just leave it?

22 replies

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 21:38

My primary school aged child has sensory issues around food and recently went on a residential trip. Prior to the trip I tried to arrange a meeting with the organising teacher and she didn’t respond to my email. I saw her at pick up and she said she’s very busy and apologised. I told her it’s completely fine as I work in a school and understand how busy things are. In passing I briefly told her about my child’s food issues and she reassured me it would be fine and kitchen staff are happy to make changes. I’ve just been told by another parent that my daughter was crying that night when that particular food item was on the menu and kitchen staff were happy to make a cheese sandwich instead but the organising teacher shouted at her! My dd never told me but she just confirmed it’s true.

I don’t know how to handle this. I usually just let things go as DH tells me not to make a fuss. Would you let this go? Would you email the teacher? What would you do.

OP posts:
Flightsoffancy · 31/05/2025 21:41

I don't think I COULD drop this. But take a beat before emailing. Maybe make the point of contacting them to seek reassurance that it won't happen next time - if there is a next time?

purpleme12 · 31/05/2025 21:42

I would email or talk in person

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 21:51

What would you say? My DD btw would never have told me about this had the other child not mentioned it to me. On a separate note why would she keep this secret? I’ve been trying to talk to her about it today but she just keeps being silly by running off and making noises and it’s obvious she doesn’t want to talk about it,

If I do email - should I email the teacher or the deputy head? Or both?

OP posts:
assertiveplant · 31/05/2025 21:57

I would probably want to have the conversation in person and ask them to explain without being accusatory. Express concern but frame the purpose about understanding what went wrong and how they will ensure it's not repeated.

I think it would be better as a conversation ideally. Nuances can get lost over email, and in person it's easier to deal with any evasiveness.

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:04

The thing is English is not my first language and face to face they might intimidate me. At least in writing I can express my concerns and follow up with face to face - what do you think of this?

OP posts:
Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:05

This is a private school btw! Honestly they are just really awful. I feel her old state school would have been more understanding, we moved and she’s been in this school for 2 years now

OP posts:
Chariots77 · 31/05/2025 22:07

That's awful! I'd not drop this OP. You're 100% not being precious. Awful behaviour from the teacher.

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:09

@Chariots77 thabks chariots. My DH is making me feel I am being over sensitive. One time my dd was left in playground after school (DH was picking up and was late, I didn’t know and he didn’t phone school) and I was so angry when he told me she was in playground by herself. He told me not to phone school as it’s his fault he was late.

OP posts:
Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:10

Sorry to ask the question again I’m just so conflicted: should I email or talk directly with the deputy head next week?

OP posts:
Chariots77 · 31/05/2025 22:12

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:10

Sorry to ask the question again I’m just so conflicted: should I email or talk directly with the deputy head next week?

Edited

I would email the organising teacher direct. If she responds, go from there. In a frustrated state, I'd go direct to the head but I'd speak to her direct first and get her take on it

Moonnstars · 31/05/2025 22:13

Are you certain that the other parent is correct? How would they know (were they on the trip, and if so why didn't they do anything at the time?)
I would be careful of second hand information.

How old is your child? You say you would normally trust them, so why wouldn't they have mentioned the food wasn't ok and that they thought you had spoken to the teacher?

Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:17

@Moonnstars the child told her parent that my daughter was crying and today during a meet up the parent told me. I asked my dd and she told me what happened. They are 9 years old. Most are 10 but my dd is August born so youngest

OP posts:
Aawwasv · 31/05/2025 22:19

Should I mention in email I was told by another parent or leave that bit out? I just feel every time I think of speaking to them I feel they will twist it somehow and make me sound crazy

OP posts:
Aawwasv · 01/06/2025 07:33

Does anyone have any advice regarding this? I e been up most of the night debating whether to send the email. I’m worried what impact this will have on my child. I really don’t know whether to speak directly to the teacher (I don’t find her reasonable and been told she is the type who will approach my child and question her about it) or the deputy head who I find more empathetic and fair

OP posts:
starpatch · 01/06/2025 07:37

Sounds like speaking to the deputy head is a good plan.

Lulu1919 · 01/06/2025 07:53

I think ask to speak to teacher who was there
Tell her you've been told..blah blah blah
Say you're just checking with her as obviously if it did happen then you just want to check it won't happen again ...maybe go in with ..I'm sure blah blah blah wasn't about the food but could I just ask ...

jeaux90 · 01/06/2025 07:55

OP it’s a private school, my DD16 is in private school. These are businesses so you definitely should make your case to the deputy head if you are absolutely sure what happened.

Many of us use Private schools because of SEN provision being so bad in a lot of state schools. They absolutely know that this is a big part of their market so if they are aware of your daughters food situation AND she was shouted at over it I would be handing them their arse.

Send the email.

Aawwasv · 01/06/2025 07:59

@jeaux90 ive used chat gpt to write a formal message to the actual teacher who shouted at her but haven’t sent it yet. I really lack confidence and feel she will turn this around and make me feel like crap for raising it. I think I’ll just request a meeting with the deputy but I also want to send her the email to let her know I know she shouted at my child - but in a professional way of course!

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 01/06/2025 08:02

Was the other Parent who told you this, on the trip themselves ?

BusMumsHoliday · 01/06/2025 08:03

I think I would ask for a meeting with the teacher in the first instance. I'd say that your child has told you that she was upset about dinner one night and rather than being offered an alternative she was shouted at. She now seems upset discussing the incident. Could the teacher give you her version of events? And then you can follow up with "you reassured me that her dietary and sensory needs would be met and this doesn't seem to have happened."

Personally, I wouldn't use a chat gpt generated email and I wouldn't go in with anything "formal". In the first instance, you've heard something and you want confirmation. And you want to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Then, if you're not comfortable with the response or the teacher dismisses and minimizes, you can go to the deputy head.

NeedToChangeName · 01/06/2025 08:06

I'm unclear wherher she got the cheese sandwich? If so, I'd probably let it go, TBH

You mentioned the issue at drop off, teacher forgot, staff offered cheese sandwich, teacher perhaps a bit snappy / raised voice in noisy surroundings

Wizardonabroom · 01/06/2025 08:08

I recommend you telephone the teacher rather than email. Ask them what happened rather than accuse them of any shouting and get their perspective of the incident. Tone can get misconstrued in an email.

If you're not happy with their response then you can raise it with the deputy head to look into further.

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