DP doesn’t listen

[BB333]

DP is lovely but never listens to me! It makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important to him and that my work isn’t important to him either.
DP earns a nice wage, I’m a cleaner, working as much as I possibly can, but with our DD it’s difficult to work more (no rents near by, nursery is full so can only offer 2 days a week). It’s very important for me to work, I like to earn my own money.
Most weeks I’m able to pick up more work on a weekend. I always check with DP first, think that’s just respectful. He’s always said that it’s not a problem he supports me etc.
But countless times now, the night before I’ve said “remember I’ve got work tomorrow” to which he then gets his pants in a twist.

all I get is “you never told me, I’ve made plans” when I explain that I have told him, sometimes several times, he doubles down and says I didn’t. I even show him where I’ve written it on the calendar to which he says “well it’s not on my calendar”.

happens with other stuff too, things like me apparently not telling him when my mums coming over (when I have)

i keep trying to tell that that just because he doesn’t remember a conversation doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And that it’s not my fault he didn’t write it on his calendar.

AIBU for feeling that what I say just gets ignored? And that just because I don’t earn as much as him my job isn’t as important?
or is this just a man thing and im over reacting?

Yes - it’s annoying

but as a work around get a shared calendaR on your phones

and a paper one in the kitche

its not fair you have to take control of it - if it’s in the phone calendar and on the wall calendar up to him to remember it’s happening

Get a family calendar then he's got no excuse....

I'd be writing it on a piece of paper, getting him to sign it and wave it in his face at various opportunities until he got annoyed.

Tell him that you're working every weekend unless told otherwise.

Oh god mine does this too. He also gets annoyed if I repeat things in the attempt to make sure he's taken them in. Agree that the shared calendar is the only way to go.

Shared google calendar is the way forward. My DH can hold an entire conversation without apparently actually engaging his brain because he will swear blind he doesn’t remember me telling him things. He does, however, know that he does this so he always believes me when I say I told him, he just doesn’t remember it. He is also very compliant with repeating things back to me if I ask him to prove that he’s heard me. He knows it’s a problem, so we just do our best to pre empt any issues, and also try to have a sense of humour about it.

If I’m being totally honest I don’t think it’s just a man thing because I can absolutely be like this, so forgetful, if I’ve only been verbally told something I will almost certainly forget & my husband is the same😂 we have a shared calendar to ensure we both know what’s going on and the calendar is the law in this house, if it’s not in there it’s not happening

Say to him from now on when you tell him something - ie I'm working 9-1 on Saturday - you will text him straight away.
You then have it in writing, time & date, when you told him.

It makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important to him and that my work isn’t important to him either.

It's your feelings and it's the reality. Some men do not value their other half at all unfortunately. I did write partner but that implies he sees you as his equal and he doesn't.

You can text him the details and get him to reply so he's seen the text, or get him to put it on HIS calendar, but neither will stop him from "forgetting" so it will still be a problem for you to sort out. You could try counselling but this is more than communication issues.

If you both have online calendars you can send him a meeting request for the time slot you are working for just put BB333 working or something similar as the title and then add him as one of the guests. It then emails him the details and inserts itself on his calendar

If he's making plans, why isn't he checking with you? You ask him before arranging work. Well then he should ask you before making plans.... then there's no excuse to forget

you never told me, I’ve made plans

Why is he making plans without making sure there's no family commitments? He is dad... its not like its just your job?

Put it back to him.

“This is your calendar. You need to check it, and write plans on it.”

in the meantime, text him your plans instead of telling him.

I can’t actually remember the details of anything someone says to me. I need it written down. I address that by writing it when they tell me, of course.

This! He’s assuming he can make plans freely because you’re doing childcare as default.

On a practical level, shared phone calendar.

That would drive me mad!

you shouldn’t have to but after each discussion send a text stating what was just agreed. Shared calendar would be easier, but my husband refuses to have one (really annoys me!) so maybe yours is the same.

as someone else said, why isn’t he checking with you before booking in plans? He needs to work on his communication.

Surely your response to his: “I’ve made plans” is “who did you think would be looking after the kids whilst you were out? Me? So why didn’t you check I’d be home when you made these plans?”

Regardless of whether he forgot or not, he shouldn’t be just assuming you are 24/7 childcare. The children are his responsibility too 🙄

I think we're all married to the same guy! 🙄

Shared calendar. If it's not in there it's not happening. We use FamCal.