Need to vent MIL

[BarbarellaCD]

Will try not to make this too long. Get on well with MIL generally. We are from a culture where elders are treated with respect and she is generally very docile / people pleaser etc. Not toxic at all and nothing like the worst of what I read on here.

We're abroad for a family wedding, staying in an apartment (me, DH and MIL). I've been v flexible so far in visiting their family, working around the pre wedding plans, helping with preparations etc. Had one shopping trip so far where we all bought a few bits.

First annoyance is after the wedding we had planned a trip to one of the major sightseeing attractions here (I've never been to this country but DH and MIL both have). Their family friends start moaning that they have a whole day planned in the city that same day and insisted we move our day trip. So we did. I wasn't elated about it as it meant slightly putting out my family who we are visiting for one day of this 9 day trip (all other days we are with my in laws). But whatever. Then family friend said she wants to a) make us sandwiches for lunch on the day we're in the city (known for its eclectic food) amd b) host us for dinner at her house that evening.

The dinner plan is fine but not ideal as I really want to try some restaurants here given this is a sort of holiday too. But I drew the line at the sandwiches and told DH and MIL that we will go for lunch instead to a nice restaurant in the city (and of course treat the family friends too). MIL looked very worried about this, said they would be offended etc. I said that's not my problem. DH gets it and I've made it his problem to sort on the day. I will be saying, let's go have lunch somewhere and if the family friends push back with their sandwiches, DH will have to sort it. To be clear, this trip to the city is scheduled for next week.

But it is annoying that neither of them can say upfront, don't bring sandwiches, we're gonna treat you for lunch. They're more worried about offending the friends than giving me ONE nice lunch out.

Second thing is MIL expects me to do and know everything. Didn't wash up her breakfast stuff today, made tea and didn't offer me one (DH was out helping the wedding party) but left her cup out for someone (me!) to clear away. Then asked me when lunch was. I'd bought some salad and stuff so just said it's in the fridge.

I know these are examples of petty things but I mainly need an outlet to vent. I tell DH a bit of my frustration but he has also had a tough time with his mum since his Dad died. She lives independently amd does her own cooking and cleaning, so not like she is incapable.

I’m sorry, I’ve been ill this week and my (few) posts have been a bit grumpy but, jesus, chill.
Life should not be this hard.
Go out by yourself, sit on a cafe terrace with a glass of rosé and some olives and then go with the flow.
You could always go back to this city another time when there isn’t the pressure to do extended family stuff.

Personally I’d just go with the plan to eat sandwiches, not worth causing tension over and such a small thing in the greater scheme of things….sounds like the family friends are intending to be generous.

Some of the behaviour sounds like it’s annoying but very normal for that sort of thing to grate when you’re all living together (always happens when I’m home with my parents or at in-laws!!). As you say, your MIL doesn’t sound bad at all compared to some out there and I doubt she’s doing it to annoy, could it be more of a misunderstanding about expectations?

Sorry you've been ill.

As I said, it is very small things. I said I'd go out for a walk earlier and she said she would join me, so I didn't bother.

Yes, will come back another time. It's not close to home though, but fine. Just didn't think having lunch out somewhere would cause such great offence!

The main annoyance here is the messing with your brief day with your family.

THAT is completely unacceptable and you should not have given in.
In fact you can tell them upon reflection it is not on and you will revert to your earlier plans.

I won't do that now as it will disrupt my family plans yet again. But it is very much noted....

I won't be having sandwiches for lunch when we go to the city. It is kind of them but I don't think it's a big deal to sit down and have a half decent meal.

On expectations, the only possible explanation is that her expectation is that she thinks I will do it all!

YANBU. I’d be pissed off with someone who leaves their breakfast stuff out without clearing it away, let alone asking “where’s lunch”. They’d have got a pretty short response, and god forbid they they made themselves lunch and not me!

I also enjoy eating out and couldn’t for the life of me stomach warm sandwiches when there’s a huge range of places to eat out. I’d be more than delighted to leave them to it at a picnic bench and go and enjoy a solo lunch.

i wouldn't have moved the trip. But you need to make it clear, to your DH and via him to MIL and friends that you will be eating out for lunch. And then if they get in a snit, you can eat out for dinner too.

Don't do anything like washing up for MIL. Leave it for her or her son.

I don’t agree if it’s someone they are looking forward to why shouldn’t they eat lunch out

If your MIL is normally nice, why is she treating you like a servant? Don't run around after her or clear up her mess. She should be doing that herself.

TBF it was more a "what time shall we have lunch" with an expectation I would prepare it and then a sad face when I said "it's all in the fridge, help yourself".

I don't know what I will do if the picnic bench scenario plays out! I wish I could have the guts to say bye and do my own thing.

Can't you say to the friend that you would enjoy going out to lunch, as you are first time in a foodie city? That's hardly unreasonable.
Re. your Mil not doing anything like making a cup of tea, could it be that she sees the place you are staying in as "your" place (maybe you and DH have rented it?) and does not want to appear to disrespect that? I could imagine my late DM doing that if staying in someone's else place, not wantng to appeaer to take over or take any liberties.

Yeah that was what I meant about a possible misunderstanding of expectations….if the MIL is usually nice. I can imagine if - say - we’d booked and chosen the apartment then my MIL might think we were expecting to host and it would be rude to tread on our toes. I’d find that an annoying assumption tbh but can very well imagine it happening!

I'd have gone out for the wedding but made clear that while there I would treat it as a holiday and stipulated that while I don't mind a meet up for lunch on a set day all other days outside of the event were days I'd be planning what I was doing or generally just having a nosey round the area and going off to do all things holiday.

I've asked DH to do that as I don't know these people. But he is being a bit of a wuss too.

No it's not that. She made herself a cup of tea so clearly feels at home

Oh no it doesn't work like that for South Asian weddings. Culturally, we all get together and help prepare, spend time in the wedding house etc. It's not been too bad as we have had a little shopping trip amd went for breakfast on our first morning. It's not the fact we are doing lots of wedding / family stuff. It's the one lunch on the city issue and then the fact MIL is driving me slightly up the wall.

If I was giving up 8 days our of a 9 day holiday to fit in with my in-laws wedding and expectations I would expect them to see that whatever I had planned with my own family for only one day was set in stone. If out of pleasing others for most of the time you want one day to have lunch out, why should you not have that? How is this you being petty and awkward? Sometimes the more you give people the more they expect and take.

Explain pleasantly that there are a couple of things you too want from this time away. Then just do it.
Is this precious annual holiday from work op? If so of course your needs should be met as well. Also how often do you get to see your own family? You are quite rightly mainly fitting in with your in-laws during a trip for a family wedding. If they value you within their family of course they should be concerned to facilitate the few requests you seem to have for yourself during this trip.

This is exactly it. I am taking precious annual leave. Not that it matters but I am the main earner in the family and have a stressful job.

We're at the wedding now but I will say something along the lines you suggest tomorrow.

Who is financing the travel and accommodation for this trip? Do you and your DH have joint finances where you contribute the larger share? I assume that you and your DH are paying for his mum's travel and accommodation as well?

It does seem very unfair that you have had to use nearly two weeks of annual leave to travel overseas and you haven't been able to visit your own family yet. Your MIL sounds quite selfish and entitled.

We don't have joint finances, we contribute proportionally to bills etc. We each paid for our tickets and then MIL paid for the air B&B (she wanted to as she paid for her DDs and DGDs entire holiday to a much more exotic place last year). I was happy to pay my share.

We are paying for ubers, coffees, groceries etc.

She's not necessarily selfish, but they both would rather have me be accommodating and disappointed than to have slightly uncomfortable conversations with their friends / family.

You are far too soft to have allowed this.
You need to verbalise clearly that you are deeply unhappy at how the holiday went and your parents being messed around.

Let it hang there.
Personally it is better to be single than living your life at the mercy of selfish men and their families.

Get therapy if you think you need to work on your assertive skills.

But do not have children while you accept coming last.

I am assertive day to day (hold a very senior position in my sector) but South Asian family dynamics are delicate. I have said I'm not changing anymore plans re visiting my family, that DH needs to ensure we have lunch somewhere nice in the City, and am not doing any tidying up after other people. I won't stoop to her level and not offer tea if I am making one. Let's see if she cleans up after herself now......

As for children, I had one child coming into this marriage. He is an adult now and we're not planning any more. Perimenopause is quite enough.....

South Asian, there’ll be an expectation that you as the wife and DIL will be at least a bit accommodating, give in, play mum in terms of meals and teas and whatnot. However, there will be no expectation that you also be the breadwinner or that your family accommodate your MIL. She and DH need to pick a lane. They are trying to save face/look good in front of the family friends at your expense, and it’s always disappointing to see someone else be pathetic. Especially when you’re the one supporting them in everything. Just stand firm, keep going as you are. You’ve earned the right. You don’t get to act the big I Am (talking about DH, who clearly wants to play by these rules) when you’re factually not the big I Am at all…

This made me smile, you hit the nail on the head.