To move back in with my dad with baby

[AngelicSaiyan]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need some outside perspective really.

There’s 9 yrs between me and my little brother. I was 13 when our mum died, he was only 4. Dad raised us both but he’s a proper functional alcoholic – works and keeps the house ticking over but drinks heavy every night. I basically brought my brother up until I went to uni – school runs, dinners, homework, you name it.

Now I’ve got my own place with my partner and we’ve just had a baby. Brother’s 17 now, still living with dad. He’s always been a bit wild if I’m honest – not great behaviour, always pushing limits – but dad let him get away with loads, never set proper rules and always said he was just struggling cos of everything he’s been through.

Dad’s also very old-school – “man up”, “don’t be soft”, all that stuff. So when my brother came out as gay a while back, it went down like a lead balloon. Big argument, lots of shouting, and since then he’s just spiralled. Now he’s saying he isn’t gay, but I think he’s just scared and trying to keep the peace. I’ve told him loads of times I support him and love him no matter what but he just shuts off.

The bit that’s really worrying me is he’s recently been arrested – nothing massive but still serious enough and dad couldn’t care less. Just brushed it off like it’s nothing. That’s when I properly started panicking because it’s like his behaviour is getting worse and no one’s putting the brakes on. Dad just lets him do what he wants.

I hardly see him now, he barely replies to texts and when I do see him he’s just a ball of rage or completely numb. I’ve asked him to come stay with me for a bit, get out of that environment and breathe for a minute – but my partner’s not keen at all, doesn’t want the stress with a newborn in the house. I get it but it’s heartbreaking.

Now I’m wondering if I should take me and baby and move back into dad’s for a bit? It’d be chaos but at least I’d be close by and could keep an eye on brother. He just needs someone to look out for him and he’s not getting that at all right now. I don’t want to give up on him.

Oh girl, kindly, you're being very unreasonable

Your man is right, and it would be wrong to deny him having his baby at home with him because of your brother. That really is a heartbreaking suggestion and your man doesn't seem to deserve it.

Are you and your man okay otherwise?

Edit, all you can do is talk to your brother and tell him that you're gonna be busy with the baby - is there no other family/friends of his that can check up on him?

No no no no.

brother does ideally need someone to step in and help him but if you have a newborn it shouldn’t be you.

Nope you can help without living there maybe just spend more time around there or invite your brother to yours for tea a couple of nights a week

Don't do that to your baby, your partner or yourself.

it’s just me really – a few distant cousins but no one close or involved. I’m always worrying about where my brother is and what he’s doing, it’s like this constant knot in my stomach. I go over when I can but half the time neither of them are even in, or they’re just doing their own thing and barely speak. It’s like two strangers living under the same roof.

I know moving me and baby in is a big ask and my partner doesn’t deserve the stress, he’s been amazing with the baby and pulling his weight – we are okay otherwise. I just feel like I’m watching my brother fall through the cracks and no one else is stepping in.

I’ve offered for him to come over for tea or hang out, he either says he’s busy or doesn’t reply.