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Original poster

Sister in Law complaining about her kids' life although they are better off than mine

31 replies

Zedania73 · 31/05/2025 09:55

My Sister in Law, her DH and 2 DC are a middle class family. They live in a nice house on a nice road, have nice cars, go on holidays at least once a year (during school holidays when it costs thousands of pounds) and generally spend money on things we - myself, DH and 2 DC - could never afford.

We have a terraced house in a deprived area, my car, which I am going to give up once DS goes to Uni, has bumps and bruises, and we can't afford holidays, at least not during school holidays and that's the only time we would be able to go due to DC's education. Eating out etc. only on special occasions.

I don't envy my SIL's lifestyle, they work hard and deserve it. My DH and me couldn't establish ourselves in better paying careers due to several personal issues, but we have what we need and I am happy with my family. DC are getting a good education so hopefully will be better off in the future.

Only thing that grates me is that SIL sometimes says how disadvantaged her kids are because they didn't get free school meals and the perks that come with it (funding for school trips, easier access to local universities etc.) Btw my kids never had free school meals either although we are on a low income, as my husband has always worked. When SIL says her kids are "struggling" and "suffering" I feel like I might as well jump off the next bridge with my kids. If her kids suffer, what must mine be going through, never mind children who live in actual poverty? SIL has friends that are even posher than her, maybe that influences her outlook on life.

I haven't said anything yet because I literally can't say boo to a goose, so I am just venting here. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Love51 · 31/05/2025 09:57

It's a 'know your audience' situation isn't it? Just tell her that! She can moan to people as wealth or wealthier than her.

SeaFloor · 31/05/2025 10:03

Your issue is not being able to say boo to a goose, not your tactless SiL!

If it’s bothering you this much, recognise that you are making the choice to let her continue this line of complaint rather than say ‘Enough with the woe is me, Angela.’

LadyQuackBeth · 31/05/2025 10:04

It's not only knowing your audience, it's not understanding what suffering actually is. She sounds ridiculous and as it isn't a personal dig (you not getting free school meals either) it's okay to nudge her to think a little bit. Just ask her what the alternative is - kids going hungry? Ask how a child even knows who pays for their meals, reassure her that her kids won't be traumatised by her paying for their food.

SeaFloor · 31/05/2025 10:06

LadyQuackBeth · 31/05/2025 10:04

It's not only knowing your audience, it's not understanding what suffering actually is. She sounds ridiculous and as it isn't a personal dig (you not getting free school meals either) it's okay to nudge her to think a little bit. Just ask her what the alternative is - kids going hungry? Ask how a child even knows who pays for their meals, reassure her that her kids won't be traumatised by her paying for their food.

Yes, but the OP can’t do anything about someone else’s mindset or behaviour. All she can do is say something to stop this stream of complaint, or put up with it.

Hermanfromguesswho · 31/05/2025 10:07

I’d respond something like ‘its funny how it’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it. We always think of ourselves as pretty lucky and grateful for what we have. I’m quite content with our lot even though objectively we’ve got less than you financially’

OhNoTheBridgeIsDown · 31/05/2025 10:07

YANBU
I know some really wealthy people who moan and groan about how little money they have, when they go on holiday 3-4 times a year and drive brand new cars.

I don’t know why people do this. Maybe it’s linked to difficulties with emotional intelligence or lack of empathy or something, but it’s not an endearing trait!

HairyToity · 31/05/2025 10:11

Oh what an awful thing to say. I wouldn't envy her children's lifestyle, as they have a self absorbed mum, which tends to cause issues at some point. Your children have a loving mum who knows when to keep shtum.

YourPerfectCousin · 31/05/2025 10:13

Recently i listened to someone complaining her child didn't get an summer internship because they were all aimed at disadvantaged, disabled, women etc and it simply wasn't fair on her privately educated white son... who is going to work at Daddy's firm for free now, so that's OK.

BingoBling · 31/05/2025 10:18

I think you need some replies and suggestions
Eg SIL could volunteer in a foodbank to see how badly off her dc really are.

Her dc could get paper rounds / Saturday jobs
SiL could take on more hours..

Pippa12 · 31/05/2025 10:20

Their money is likely not going as far as it once did, and because of this she feels like they are ‘skint’. Once you’ve signed up to expensive cars and high mortgages you can’t just walk away from the contracts and ‘cut your cloth’.

We earn a decent amount between us but have definitely felt the pinch this year and our lifestyle (although still lovely) is not as it was. I’ve been known to be annoyed at how much less we can make our wages stretch despite working harder and earning more than previous years.

She really needs to learn to gage her audience tho, and I agree she is pretty tactless complaining to you if you are struggling.

4forksache · 31/05/2025 10:21

Hermanfromguesswho · 31/05/2025 10:07

I’d respond something like ‘its funny how it’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it. We always think of ourselves as pretty lucky and grateful for what we have. I’m quite content with our lot even though objectively we’ve got less than you financially’

I like this

BangersAndGnash · 31/05/2025 10:23

See yourself as disengaged from this nonsense, as if you are observing her from afar or as if she was in a Petri dish.

Laugh and say
Haha I think I am the wrong audience for that lament
News to me that you would rather be poor
SIL that’s ridiculous

thepariscrimefiles · 31/05/2025 10:32

Is your SIL one of those people who thinks that people on benefits or on such low incomes that their children are entitled to free school meals are all living the life of Riley?

Tell her to give it a go if she thinks it's so great and that her children are currently deprived.

She sounds like a twat and I'd avoid her like the plague.

Richiewoo · 31/05/2025 10:36

Tell her it's all about perspective. She can complain when she has to go to a food bank.

alsohappenedoverhere · 31/05/2025 11:24

Honestly, she feels like that and it’s a valid point of view. Maybe she feels that despite doing everything right she has been sold a lie. You are allowed to feel like that too. Your circumstances don’t mean that her point of view isn’t valid. Frankly the vast majority of us are a few steps from financial disaster (and certainly would be if the state didn’t step in to help) and the fact that people that are slightly further up the ladder should keep their mouth shut for fear of offending someone in poverty is part of the reason things are so shit for so many of us.

declutteringmymind · 31/05/2025 12:19

Honestly, get out a tiny violin.

she sounds like she lacks self awareness.

say nothing, roll your eyes, and back away slowly. I’m around a lot of these people and honestly they’re just thick.

what a shame she can’t appreciate and enjoy what she has and chooses to moan.

MumChp · 31/05/2025 12:21

declutteringmymind · 31/05/2025 12:19

Honestly, get out a tiny violin.

she sounds like she lacks self awareness.

say nothing, roll your eyes, and back away slowly. I’m around a lot of these people and honestly they’re just thick.

what a shame she can’t appreciate and enjoy what she has and chooses to moan.

And end the conversation. Why engage in it?

Jellyrols · 31/05/2025 12:24

I wouldn't respond engage at all.
Let her complain into silence.

Pleaseenter · 31/05/2025 12:25

thepariscrimefiles · 31/05/2025 10:32

Is your SIL one of those people who thinks that people on benefits or on such low incomes that their children are entitled to free school meals are all living the life of Riley?

Tell her to give it a go if she thinks it's so great and that her children are currently deprived.

She sounds like a twat and I'd avoid her like the plague.

It is insanity. You have to earn less than 7k for free school meals, that is less than ten hours per week minimum wage between two parents. It used to be 16k back when 16k wasn't even that low

Basically barely anyone even qualifies for free school meals anymore.

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 31/05/2025 12:29

She sounds like her cup is always half empty or she's slyly moaning because your DC get free things her DC don't. Either way she's a negative nelly and I'd call her out on it next time she starts whining

frozendaisy · 31/05/2025 12:36

So she wants all the advantages for just her kids.

It a change of mindset when you kids get older and money can’t solve all their problems.

If her kids want to go to the local universities they need to get the grades for a successful application, that’s all they have to do. But no you can’t buy that.

If her kids are struggling and suffering then as one of their parents she should be only focused on helping them surely not bemoaning how unfair she perceives their lives to be.

Are they suffering? Or does mummy have to face up to their academic limitations?

We’ve told our pampered teens if they fail at whatever they want to do it’s their fault. We give them all the love, support, equipment, experiences we can/they want need. So if they want their college/uni place they need to put some work in.

frozendaisy · 31/05/2025 12:39

Pleaseenter · 31/05/2025 12:25

It is insanity. You have to earn less than 7k for free school meals, that is less than ten hours per week minimum wage between two parents. It used to be 16k back when 16k wasn't even that low

Basically barely anyone even qualifies for free school meals anymore.

Show quote history

Yes but some people complain that it doesn’t get updated so by the time you apply to university it can say on your application free school meals when your household income has been in the higher tax bracket for a decade and that application can get a more sympathetic grade offer.

But there is no point bemoaning if that is the system you are in you just get on with it.

Pleaseenter · 31/05/2025 12:46

frozendaisy · 31/05/2025 12:39

Yes but some people complain that it doesn’t get updated so by the time you apply to university it can say on your application free school meals when your household income has been in the higher tax bracket for a decade and that application can get a more sympathetic grade offer.

But there is no point bemoaning if that is the system you are in you just get on with it.

Show quote history

It lasts till the end of the stage of education Ie primary school or secondary school. I won't lie it was covid times when my eldest started primary school and I'd lost my job so income was less than 7k so he will get free meals until the end of primary school.

I heard they're going to change it soon so eligibility is updated every September

Kathbrownlow · 31/05/2025 12:54

Stop seeing her. If you have to meet at family occasions, make sure you're with other family members, or play with the kids. Just nod and say nothing - she's a twat, as someone else has said.

frozendaisy · 31/05/2025 13:34

Pleaseenter · 31/05/2025 12:46

It lasts till the end of the stage of education Ie primary school or secondary school. I won't lie it was covid times when my eldest started primary school and I'd lost my job so income was less than 7k so he will get free meals until the end of primary school.

I heard they're going to change it soon so eligibility is updated every September

Show quote history

Well hopefully that will stop some of the “it’s not fair on me” crowd