Divorce with young kids

[Katy4426]

I feel like there really is no decision on this but feel I have no one to ask. Myself and husband have been married nearly 6 years, together 11, I was sixteen when we met he was 22, I'm on maternity with my second child but I just feel there is nothing I can do in this situation anymore. We don't argue lots but if it is an argument for several times now if he's gotten really mad he's pinned me up against the wall or pushed me to the floor etc. After I always get a sorry and it's always "I've been going on and on" and it's made him do it and he's sorry. I literally feel like he just now blames me for his anger. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm being dramatic but I am scared when he gets that mad he's going to smash things up or break things. My eldest is now not a toddler and I'm worried he may see this and think this is acceptable behaviour.
Husband is great with the kids the anger is all at me when he is mad. Most recently he pushed me and hit me in the side of the head. Again it was I'd been going on, he is under pressure etc
I just feel trapped in all honesty.
I mentioned I'd had enough and all I get is "you won't leave" and comments like that. I feel like I cannot though, and I feel he knows that, our eldest boy loves his dad and spending time with him, he has always preferred dad time from toddler age and I genuinely think he'd be lost if we separated and lived separately. I want to put my children first but to what compromise, do I stay unhappy? There's also my MIL, she's very opinionated, always has been, always stating her opinions on parenting and has always showered the kids with gifts we cannot compete with which we will say we don't want to spoil them but she does what she wants anyways. She has made comments before about wanting to spend allot of time with the kids which I get but it's often suffocating, turning up on one of our only days off as a family despite us stating were doing something etc. we make the effort to visit but it's her way or she's upset, FIl sides with her as he literally wants an easy life and never disagrees with her at all. I feel if we separated this would be made even more difficult as my husband has always struggled when he has the kids alone, I never have time without the kids but rarely if I've been decorating etc and he's had them he always ends up at his mum's house as he openly says he can't handle the kids alone. When I returned to work after my first if he had our son any day I was working and he was off he would be at his mum's all day. This is fine he needs abit of help but I think my MIL took advantage of this and believed she had therefore an opportunity to third parent our child and now children. We will set boundaries with our eldest and say if he's naughty to go on time out etc and she'll then undermine us by going to remove him from it and with it not being my mum it's difficult for me. My husband makes excuses saying he didn't realise or didn't see or that I'm picking up in things too much. It paints me to be bad cop with our son and MIL to look great and loving and mummy's mean in that situation and to be honest I think she knows that it makes our eldest son come to her for cuddles etc because she's been the one to let him off with naughty behaviour.
I just know if we separated any time he has the kids will be my MILs influence on parenting and she has always said when we remind our son of his manners etc we're being hard on him saying "he's a baby" he's 4 now and I don't believe it's strict to want my child to have manners. We think it's important he's well mannered and I just know things like that would be affected should we separate. I feel like if we separate I cannot offer what my husband can to our kids, his family have more money and openly spoil the kids and I know I would struggle alone. I weigh all these things up and literally think is it just easier to stay unhappy and let my kids grow up in our nice house and just compromise my own feelings. I just want to put them first as my eldest would struggle with us living apart I know he would, but I feel I have no option to leave even if I wanted too but I'm stuck in this situation. My family also have no idea of any struggles and I feel they would be very upset if I said we were separating, they have no idea there are problems and that's why I just feel I can't tell anyone and if I did leave it wouldn't be understood. I'm just at a loss what to do and hoped someone may have advice or may have had a similar experience

I understand how hard this situation is for you. I think you could benefit from contacting your local Domestic Abuse service/charity to help you make decisions. I know they support people whilst in relationships not just after leaving. IDVA's do amazing work and are best placed to help you keep safe and offer advice/safety planning. Maybe you could also confide in a close friend/relative about what you're going through?

It broke my heart to read this post @Katy4426 , it really did.
I understand how you're feeling - I really do - I'm living with family at the moment with a small child after leaving my 'D'H.
It's very hard. I won't lie. I don't know what the future holds, and yes, like you fear, I've got barely two pennies to rub together.
But I just knew, one day, I couldn't go any further. My child isn't a baby any more and I couldn't let them grow up thinking this was how men are supposed to behave. That this is how relationships work.
It wasn't safe for me, and it was massively impacting my mental health - which meant I wasn't able to be a good mum.
I think you might be in the same position.
I can tell you, from the other side of the first step (leaving - there will be many more steps to take, but this is the biggest) that there is support. The police have been fantastic. Women's aid have been lovely. I've called their support lines a few times in tears just to vent about my situation. I've visited their drop in sessions. I've had free legal advice, benefits advice, signposting to local services. I'm having counselling which lightens the mental load.
My parents, they don't understand. Especially my dad. But it's not their life.
Only you know when your time will come to leave. But believe me, you can. You must. I wish you all the best 💐

You have to leave him, you know that. His violence may escalate too. I’m sorry not to have specific advice, but you could contact Women’s Aid for support to start. Having a real life ally would probably be good too, if you can find someone you trust. Sending you strength xx

I grew up with domestic violence.

I completely understand your reasoning for staying. It’s a complete balancing act between what’s best for the DC. But I can tell you now that they are learning things from his behaviour that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Please stop thinking he is great with the kids. He is not great with the kids. He is a fucking shit father who shouldn’t be allowed within a million miles of them.

I can also tell you that his behaviour is going to get worse.

I am sorry you are going through this. My parents were together for over 40 years but it wasn’t a happy marriage. My dad was low level abusive. Not every night or even every week but when he lost his temper either me, or my mum, or a pet would get hurt. I learnt very quickly to take my dad’s side in arguments. My mum hated it and couldn’t understand. I did it because I didn’t want dad to hurt her. I was always the mediator between them.

I do think that my upbringing contributed to giving me a warped view of men and relationships. I was taught that it was fine for men to have affairs but not women (I do remember my mum saying this). I felt strongly that I wouldn’t tolerate physical abuse but everything else I put up with so I married and had kids with a man who, basically, wasn’t good enough for me. He wasn’t physically abusive but he was lazy and not a good father. We are now divorced. I chose differently from my mum, I didn’t want my kids growing up thinking that I condoned his behaviour.

I don’t blame my mum for staying, she always believed she had no choice. I think the road ahead is going to be hard for you but you can absolutely choose a different life for yourself and your children. would you consider calling women’s aid? I wish you all the luck

This is abuse and it isn't your fault. It sounds like you've recognised this.
It will also impact your children even if it isn't directly happening to them. A child witnessing abuse is now classed as abuse in itself.

Your family may not understand. But it sounds like you know what you need to do.

I've been through similar, I'm almost 6 months after leaving with one young child. I have a few family members who believe and support me and the rest of my and his family see his charming self and think I'm being irrational and that I need to make amends. I think they have been told I am struggling with my mental health and they would tell me I need to do xyz based on what he had told them as if I was not doing things I obviously needed to and they did not believe what I had to say. It is hard and I've ended up blocking a few of them as it was causing me too much distress. But it helped me see who he really is and validates that I made the right choice.

You need a few people in your corner and you will find ways to cope. This can include mumsnet, local domestic abuse charities as another poster said. I went on course like the freedom programme and now understand the behaviours much better and how it all ties into control. I can recommend some books if you like, if you're in the headspace to read.

Turned into a bit of an essay but basically, follow your gut, try to hold onto your voice and what you know to be right and not be swayed by what others may say. Hopefully you'll find you get a lot more support than you think, but if not, you've got this. You're stronger than you think and you've done so well to recognise this isn't right so early on in your children's lives. Wishing you all the best and please keep posting if it's helpful, there are lots of amazing, supportive and insightful people on here.

And on a practical and safety level get some advice on the sly if you can to help you make plans to leave, as behaviours are likely to escalate. Phone or live chat womens aid or speak to your local charities (womens aid can find these for you)

Putting your children first is leaving the relationship straight away and not allowing them to witness or be in the vicinity of anymore domestic abuse.

And I would hope that if you told your family the true reasons for leaving they would support you 100%.

Also, please don't be too hard discipline wise on the 4yo, as especially if he has witnessed the abuse, it's likely that the trauma is coming out in his behaviours if so, or he is copying his father, and he needs comfort and reassaurance to work through them.

Good luck, and take care of yourself and you will be looking after your little ones too x

Re the undermining of your parenting - this is unacceptable but the reality is that it is probably always going to happen. But it can either happen in their only home if you stay together, or it can happen for the time they are with their dad/granny, and they can experience loving security and consistency in their home with mum. Someone said to me at least half of the time will be calm and loving even if dad gets 50:50 custody and that's really stuck with me. They get to see mum happy and living life on her terms and as they get older can make the choice of how they want to behave etc and will have a blueprint of how a healthy and secure home looks, even if they're not there all the time.

And money... you will have enough to live somehow. You can claim universal credit. As long as they have the basics the rest can be worked around and a happy and calm environment is much more valuable I think. My son prefers splashing in puddles to the expensive toys🤣 (for the moment anyway haha)

Sorry lots of words but hope something in there resonates/helps!

The best thing you can do for your children is leave. You really don't want them growing up in a household with domestic violence - this will cause them lifelong damage.

Also, for yourself - you deserve to live a life free from fear and violence. The violence will get worse over time and you are in real danger of serious harm. He takes no responsibility and blames you for his violence. You are NOT to blame in any way. He is responsible for his own despicable actions.

Please contact Women's Aid and as for help and support. They can help you make a plan to leave safely.

You will definitely be understood OP. This is textbook abuse, womens aid see it every day. Contact them and get some support.

Children that live in two homes can see and appreciate what is going on. They make it clear which home they prefer and feel safe in.

You deserve to be happy OP.