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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think something is going on

19 replies

HereWeGo1234 · 30/05/2025 19:15

Married over 25 years. Children raised. DH had an affair about 10 years ago. Worked through it and relationship is good now.

But…over the last while he seems overly friendly with a colleague. I’ve seen messages on his phone. From her there is lots of ‘can u talk now’ and ‘xx’ and ‘♥️’ at the end of one of the messages. He has a nick name for her-think old cartoon character like Mickey Mouse, but not that.

I have good male colleagues and we enjoy a laugh in work but our texts would never be that familiar.

Im afraid to ask him because there would be the ‘OMG I can’t believe you think that, you really don’t trust me, I can’t believe u think so little of me’ etc. And IF I’m wrong it would be a huge setback for us.

I don’t know whether to say anything or not.

AIBU?
YABU: They are just workmates who get on
YANBU: No smoke without fire

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/05/2025 19:25

I’m sorry but it does not sound good. You can either confront him and be gaslighted or gather the evidence. Bear in mind he can’t control what she sends him (though as a colleague most sensible people would put a lid on unwanted attention quickly) but his messages to her will give you a better idea.

toomuchfaff · 30/05/2025 21:24

never in my life have I ever sent a work colleague a text saying can u talk now’ and ‘xx’ and ‘♥️’ at the end

Of course he will deny it and try to gaslight you , may you doubt your sanity...

scorpiogirly · 30/05/2025 21:35

Usually when one forgives an affair, it is on the basis of full transparency. Was this discussed? He's given you reason not to trust him before and he's giving you reason now.

Neodymium · 30/05/2025 21:39

scorpiogirly · 30/05/2025 21:35

Usually when one forgives an affair, it is on the basis of full transparency. Was this discussed? He's given you reason not to trust him before and he's giving you reason now.

agree.

this sounds very sus. I can not think of a single innocent reason to say ‘can you talk now ?’ Or put xx in a message.

thismummyslife · 30/05/2025 21:41

He’s got form, you’re right to be suspicious and he needs to expect that after the affair. Completely unacceptable, I’m really sorry but it’s not looking good 😔 x

Endofyear · 30/05/2025 21:45

I would be highly suspicious if I saw those messages. You already know he has the propensity to cheat. Don't doubt yourself, you know in your heart somethings going on.

limecola · 30/05/2025 21:47

Hard to say, I was close friends with a guy I met from work in the past, we like similar movies, music and books and clicked. There was no interest romantically from me and we were both in long term relationships. We were close for years and I got on with his girlfriend / wife well and he with my boyfriend / husband. Then after she had her first baby she decided she couldn't stand me and made that clear to me and her husband. I had not choice but to step back totally before he asked and I haven't seen him for a couple of years now although he still emails occasionally.
Not sure if we will ever pick up again which is sad but obviously his marriage and family is more important.

Not all workplace friendships are suspect and he may just be doing kisses because she started it, I do kisses on all my texts and emails to any friend. Probably wouldn't do a heart.

MyCyanReader · 30/05/2025 22:07

I often put an x at the end of a message but the "can you talk now?" bit would have alarm bells ringing.

PocketBattleship · 30/05/2025 23:05

MyCyanReader · 30/05/2025 22:07

I often put an x at the end of a message but the "can you talk now?" bit would have alarm bells ringing.

Unless she's asking this well outside office hours, what's wrong with asking if a colleague is free to speak?

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 30/05/2025 23:08

Im afraid to ask him because there would be the ‘OMG I can’t believe you think that, you really don’t trust me, I can’t believe u think so little of me’ etc.

He had an affair in the past, so of course you think that of him. He sounds like a weasel I’m afraid OP, good luck!

mathanxiety · 30/05/2025 23:52

If this man would really say something like that to you after having an affair ten years ago, he's not worth losing sleep.over.

Is your relationship OK now because he works hard every day to prove he's trustworthy or is it OK because there's an unspoken pact that you will.'get over yourself'?

healthybychristmas · 30/05/2025 23:55

I wouldn't trust this one as far as I could throw him. I agree about full transparency. If people get away with an affair to easily they really do not learn their lesson.

MsDogLady · 31/05/2025 06:38

@HereWeGo1234, I’m sorry that your H is at it again.

What recovery requirements did he agree to when you reconciled after his previous infidelity? Surely you insisted on transparency, keeping strong boundaries with other women, and open access to all devices/statements, among others.

He doesn’t get to cross lines and blur boundaries like this. His over-familiarity and affectionate nickname for OW and her ‘can u talk now, xx, and ❤️’ are way out of order. They have clearly built a secret, flirty and intimate connection. Whether this is a flirtation, EA or more, he is abusing your trust again for thrills and validation.

You may want to investigate his phone, statements, car, bag, pockets, etc. for a while, but I would address his faithless behavior soon and send him packing. Do not tolerate even a second of his gaslighting and blame-shifting when the manipulations inevitably spew out of his faithless mouth.

RentalWoesNotFun · 31/05/2025 08:18

Youre not being unreasonable - although I dropped my phone and now I can’t I click my accidental ‘youre being unreasonable’ vote ☹️

My bosses and I all get along well. I often ask if they can talk just now but it’s during the working day about work - about staffing issues with a difficult team member. Hence the secrecy as it’s growing arms and legs and is a tricky situation. And there have occasionally been love hearts. After a sad message about problems so it’s obvious to any reader what’s going on and it’s nothing romantic it’s about feeling for someone’s pain re the above staff issues that are destroying the team. But that’s all.

The fact that your husband has form for an affair in the past would make me question him.

I get you don’t want to ask but I couldn’t just ignore it.
Get copies of any financials first in case he tries to hide money later if you decide to dump him though. Ducks in a row time.

If he questions you, I’d calmly take the stance of teminding him that he wasnt happy with our relationship before and had an affair so that’s why I’m asking you now,I didn't see that coming before so I need to ask now if youre happy or if you’re having a fling again.

It sucks. Sorry op.

Original poster

HereWeGo1234 · 31/05/2025 14:33

A chat was had.

As predicted he ‘can’t believe I could say/think such a thing/she puts kisses and hearts on the texts she sends to everyone’ etc

In answer to some of your comments: we agreed to truth and transparency after his affair. During that time he went around with his phone surgically attached to him. He stopped doing that post affair and leaves his phone here and there so I can pick it up whenever.
The texts I read between them were a bit more her keen on him than the other way around-say 60/40. Most of their colleagues are male and he says she communicates with all of them in the same way.

He was raising his voice quite a bit so I ended the conversation. We will talk again tomorrow.

Thank you for all your kind comments. They made me feel better about myself. I was expecting to be hung out to dry!

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 31/05/2025 14:43

The book ‘Not Just Friends’ by Glass will be helpful. You can download it for the kindle and it’s a quick read. Maybe read it prior to your discussion it will help you articulate walls and windows and how his behaviour is unacceptable.

Remember you need no reason to split up. However his desire for ego kibbles is plenty of reason. Nothing sexy about a cheat.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2025 14:46

I agree with those saying this doesn’t look good. The fact he had an affair before gives you plenty of reason to be suspicious now - even if it is ten years. He doesn’t get to revert to defensive mode ever once you’ve forgiven him for one affair. And defensive mode is suspicious in itself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2025 14:47

Also “can you talk now?” is very different in tone to “are you free to speak?”

It’s more intimate and suggestive of secrets somehow.

MsDogLady · 31/05/2025 22:04

@HereWeGo1234, you predicted his ‘How could you’ reaction, shifting the blame back to you instead of acknowledging his and OW’s inappropriate dynamic. It’s straight from the Script.

As the betrayed partner, your boundaries are what matters here, and the over-familiar content and tone of the messages you’ve read trample those. At the very least he and OW are enjoying a fun flirtation. He is clearly flattered and boosted by her attention, and he has created a cute nickname for her. These are not the actions of a previously wayward H who is now invested in protecting his fidelity.

I echo the suggestion to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Your H has opened a window to OW. Don’t even listen to his guff and protestations, @HereWeGo1234. He has blown his 2nd chance and doesn’t deserve a 3rd.

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