Do cheaters change

[SpoonyMember]

Can a cheater ever change?

been with my partner for 6 years, married for 6 months but for the first 3 years he was sexting and texting a number of other girls, i found out because i had a gut instinct his initial response was to deny and blame even though i'd seen a message pop up and dug from there, worked through it. During that time i was overcoming a huge trauma and having serious struggles with family, hence why I stuck around i wasnt in a place mentally to leave, i feel if it happened now i'd be out the door in a heartbeat.
anyway fully moved on and got over it but these feelings returned because he's been talking about kids ect so my question is can a cheater ever change or am i going to wake up in 5 years holding the baby whilst he's into anything that moves...

I have cheated previously and have grown up a lot, dealt with the issue behind it and wouldn't do it again - this was in some past relationships though and now in a long term relationship with kids and wouldn't cheat so I would say yes people can change. I assume you thought he had changed enough to marry him but agree that challenging times with kids might be an issue. Can you the two of you discuss it? Has he properly apologised and made changes?

It takes a certain type of person to cheat - someone selfish enough to prioritise themselves over their partner, naive enough to prioritise short term satisfaction over their long term relationship, someone comfortable hiding and lying about aspects of their life.

I don’t think those traits go away so cheaters tend to repeat the behaviour whenever they’re in a rut or unhappy or opportunity presents itself.

Whats clear is that you don’t trust him due to his past behaviours and, if you don’t trust him, don’t bring a baby into that because leaving after marriage and kids etc will be infinitely harder if he does cheat again.

Not unless there’s enough reason to change.
So if they were forgiven once, probably unlikely to change.

Are there men who cheat once and then never again? Probably. But there's no particular reason that your partner would be one of them, especially as he didn't just make a one-off 'mistake'. He was messaging multiple other women for 3 whole years, during what should have been the honeymoon period of your relationship. I don't think it woild be wise to have children with him tbh.

Yes my fil changed in this respect and had been in a deeply committed relationship for decades. They work very hard together as a team. However he had an affair with one person, wasn't messaging multiple people. The person he is with now wasn't the person he cheated on or with, for what it's worth.

You have posted so many times about this awful man. What are you still doing with him? Don't have a baby with a man who treats you like this.

Honestly, I feel like for some people there is always the feeling of the grass is greener elsewhere, fomo or thinking there must be a better option out there. I don’t think all cheaters will always cheat but I do think people with those inherent attitudes are unlikely to change.

This. And even mentioning a baby?! Definitely not OP.

It’s completely pointless to poll opinions because someone else’s experience won’t be yours.

Do you trust him? Is it worth subjecting yourself to a life with him if you don’t?

for the first 3 years he was sexting and texting a number of other girls,

So if a couple of people on MN say yes, cheaters can lead productive lives and not cheat again; does that mean your cheating rat of a guy is that guy? not forgetting he was cheating with multiple people for 3 yrs and didn't fess up, he was caught... begs the question is it that he has not cheat since or did he just get better at hiding it?

Does that mean he can change?

Why risk it? Is it likely you'll be holding the baby while he's into anything that moves? I'd say thats definitely a higher risk than if he hadn't previously cheated. It's not a risk id be willing to take.

Why have you started another thread about this?

No. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

No I don't think if you're the kind of person who has cheated on their partner then you can change. Doesn't mean to say you would cheat again but if the opportunities and circumstances were right then there is always the chance.

I enjoyed it and agreed.

Fgs. OP, why have you posted 3 different threads about this man on the same day? You're clearly having doubts about staying with him, and for very good reason! End the relationship- you are never going to fully trust him, and rightly so.