To finally step back from brother even if he isn’t in a good place? (long post sorry!)

[SisterNeedsAdvice]

Sorry this is long I don’t want to drip feed, just need to get it out and see if I’m BU

I’m the eldest of three. Our mum died when I was 8 and my youngest brother (M) was only a few months old. Our stepmum came into our lives not long after and raised all of us. She’s middle brother’s biological mum, but she was mum to me and M too. Always has been. Our dad adopted middle brother and treated all three of us exactly the same — never made a difference. We were brought up as siblings, no “step” about it.

But M’s always struggled with it. He’s carried a chip on his shoulder since forever. Always said dad loved middle brother more, that he was never treated the same. But truthfully, dad bent over backwards for him. If anything, he gave M more chances than the rest of us. The difference is, middle brother actually stepped up. He helped dad with the family business from when we were teenagers, stuck at it, showed up. Dad left the business to him when he passed. It made sense — M had no interest in it, never wanted to be involved.

Even as a kid M was hard work. While me and middle bro were getting on with life, M was in constant trouble. Fights at school, kicked out of class, smashing up stuff at home when he didn’t get his way. He got arrested for shoplifting when he was 15. We all hoped it’d be a turning point — it wasn’t. He’s been in and out of jobs, fallen out with most of the family, blames everyone else for everything.

He’s 28 now, and nothing’s really changed. The most recent mess is that he got engaged — far too quickly. They’d only been together a few months. Whole relationship was full of drama. Constant arguments, weird stuff with tracking each other’s phones, full-on screaming matches. I never thought it was right. Then he cheated on her. She found out, kicked him out, and now he’s on my sofa.

Before all that, he was working for her dad. Burned that bridge too. My DH offered him a job not long ago — tried to help him get back on track — and M turned it down, said he wasn’t interested in being someone’s “charity case.” DH was fuming. Now with M staying here, DH doesn’t want him in the house. And I don’t blame him. We’ve got a baby son and the atmosphere’s horrible. It’s tense all the time. You don’t know if you’re going to get tearful “I’ve got no one” M or the sneering, snappy one who makes passive-aggressive comments and blames everyone else.

To top it all off, M’s fallen out with middle bro completely. Middle brother’s getting married in a few months and M’s not invited. Honestly — I don’t blame him. M caused massive drama about not being asked to be best man, said he was being pushed out on purpose. Then he said middle bro’s fiancée was only with him for the money and even tried it on with her at one point.

Then there’s the wedding ring. Grandad left his ring to the three of us “to be used fairly.” Middle bro wants to use it for his wedding, and M lost it. Said it wasn’t fair, accused him of taking what’s his, brought up every old grudge going. It was just another blow-up. Middle bro’s done with him now. Blocked him, won’t have him near the wedding.

Now M’s begging me to talk to middle bro, to convince him to reconsider. Says it’s not right to cut him out, that it’s tearing the family apart. I just… I can’t do it. I’ve defended him so many times over the years. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt more than anyone. But I’ve got my own family now. I’m knackered, I’ve got a baby in the house, and I don’t want this drama dragging us all down anymore.

So AIBU to finally step back? Even if he spirals? Even if he says no one cares? I feel guilty, but I’m also completely done.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to safeguard your own wellbeing. Of course you care, but sadly everyone caring about him really isn't enough - at some point he has to resolve to fix things for himself.

YANBU

Just kick this drama llama out and put yourself and your family first. You can't polish a turd.

I'm with DH - he moves out and if he can't get his shit together, you stop doing it for him. He's supposed to be a grown up.

You can certainly be a lifeboat all you like but if M keeps jumping out, what’s the point? This is where you are now.

And it is your DH’s home, too, so he is entitled to an opinion. Also, your DH has spent how many years picking you up after another lifeboat attempt? While you are playing lifeboat, he is being your floatie.

It’s definitely time to change the dynamics of your relationships.

Your child deserves a happy, safe, secure home. You and your DH have a responsibility to each other and to your child above all else.

You’re stressed, your husband is fuming and your brother is a prick.

You know who I feel most sorry for in this scenario, your poor baby, who will be picking up on all of this. You know you’ll never get this time (that you’re supposed to be enjoying) back with your baby, right?

Why is your brother still even in your home right now? Are you sure that on some level you’re not thriving on the drama too? Because most people would have booted him out by now, he’s 28, he could go and stay in a hotel or B&B or find a house share until he finds something more permanent.

Bless your heart for trying for so long but enough's enough. Especially if he's snidey and/or playing on your emotions - that's just unnecessarily draining nonsense that you, your husband and baby don't need to have in your lives.

YANBU and neither is your DH, nor is middle brother.

M will drag you all down with him if you let him.

I'd suspect undiagnosed MH issues with M but that's not your problem.

Get him out of your house and practice gray rock technique for future contact.

My two cents. YANBU. M has narcissistic tendencies at the very least. Playing the victim, looking for sympathy and getting angry at others are two sides of the same coin - either way, he's perfect and everyone else is to blame. With that mindset, he'll never respect anyone else.

Don't be a flying monkey or you'll find yourself blocked too. Middle bro has blocked for good reason, where does M get off asking you to defend the indefensible and ruin your relationship with middle bro in the process? M is certainly not displaying the actions of a loving brother towards you there. As for turning down a job whilst sleeping on your sofa..."Won't be a charity case" - unless it suits him, aye?! Put your marriage, your child and your own wellbeing first. Turf the toxic sponger out before he destroys your lives too.

He can be nice to friends (if he has any!) sleep on their sofa, reflect on his ways, pull himself together and get a job and a place to live. Or he can sleep on the streets, claim universal credit, find it harder to get a job (yes he'll be expected to look and eventually there'll probably be some kind of scheme to kick him back to work "or else") and get a place to live once he has or with help from some kind of homeless charity. Or take many of the other roads people go down when they're determined not to work because they believe the world owes them a living.

The only thing I will say is, if people want (and it's not compulsory) to treat their children/grandchildren equally, they should specify their assets to be sold and the proceeds divided equally between the inheritors. Leaving the business to one child (and not leaving an equal value monetary amount to the others I presume, else what's the complaint exactly?) and leaving one ring to be "shared" (how?! without selling it) between three people (and somehow also ends up with the same person who got the business, (although I see the logic if he's marrying first, it's still a little insensitive)) was always going to potentially cause a shit storm of resentment in others.

M maybe needed psychological help in childhood to deal with his mother's death and feelings of inferiority/neediness /abandonment before they morphed into the full blown self-sabotaging toxicity that's present in him in adulthood. What's done is done though, all that's left now is for M to decide how to deal with it. Sadly, since he's convinced everyone else is the problem, it doesn't seem as though he'll be seeking help for his issues.

Thanks all. I knew I probably wasn’t being unreasonable but it’s still hard to hear it all laid out like that. I hate the thought of giving up on him. I really do. But I’m honestly not sure what else to do now.

He blames everyone else for everything – mostly middle bro, even though middle bro’s done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Stepmum’s tried with him too, over and over again, but M just shuts her out and says she’s not his real mum and that she takes sides. She’s been in his life since he was a baby, she’s done everything for him, but he won’t hear it. Just pushes her away every time.

I didn’t just invite him in because I wanted to be involved in drama – quite the opposite. He turned up at mine crying, saying he had nowhere to go. At the time I didn’t know the full story with his ex and what had actually happened, just that it had all gone wrong and he was a mess. Once I found out the full truth, yeah I was gutted, but I didn’t feel like I could just boot him out then and there.

But then DH offered him a proper chance – a job, some stability – and he just threw it back in his face. Said he didn’t want to be treated like a charity case. It’s like he wants help, but only on his terms, and if it’s not done the exact way he wants, it’s an attack. It’s exhausting. And no, I’m not thriving on it – DS is only 4 months old, he’s just a little older than M was when our mum died, and that’s really hit me lately. How small he actually was. It does make me feel awful sometimes, wondering if he was just completely lost from the start. I do want to help him. I just don’t know how anymore, because nothing seems to get through.

M feels that he's been slighted, that your DF adopting your middle DB was unfair to him, that's understandable but he's still reacting like that unhappy DC, he still expects you all to make it up to him whilst spoiling his life. It's time for you to back off Op, at 28 M needs to start to stand on his own feet especially when your DH can't cope with having him living with you. All the while you do everything for him he has no reason to change, to get therapy if he wants it, or to see that he can't base his whole life on feeling he's been victimized.

You sound like a great sister.
Sometimes you just have to drop the rope. You can’t let your db spoil you home life.
Can I just clarify @SisterNeedsAdvice- Is your middle brother your father’s biological son ?

Honestly I'd be kicking M out and telling him to get therapy. Once he's explored hidden resentment then you'll all sit down and see if the brothers can fix their relationship

He is 28 now and no longer the little baby that lost his mum. If he thinks he's been wronged then he needs to deal with those feelings.

No, dad adopted middle bro after he and stepmum got married.

You are not unreasonable. I have a younger sister who also blames everyone else for her unhappiness and doesn't take responsibility for anything in her life so I sympathise and know how you must be feeling. It's upsetting and exhausting.

Thank you for replying @SisterNeedsAdvice
Could your brother have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder as it is also known as ?

You know that story, about the two rock climbers, and one falls down a crevice? They either both die there or the guy has to cut the rope. He cuts the rope. So eaten up by guilt. Manages to make it back to civilisation. Doesn't know how he's going to live with himself. And then the other guy turns up.

Moral of the story, sometimes people have to save themselves.

Also, you've got a little baby, you shouldn't be out there climbing mountains.

@SisterNeedsAdvice why did you take him into your house when he is not exactly nice to your partner?? i would be throwing him out!

Yeah it has crossed my mind, and other people have suggested it before too – maybe something like EUPD or BPD or something along those lines. But any time it’s brought up that maybe he should speak to someone or get support, he takes it as us calling him mad. Gets really defensive, like properly offended, then sulks or blows up. So it just becomes easier not to go there, which obviously helps no one but that’s where we’re at.

He actually used to get on alright with DH, they had a decent relationship until the whole job thing. DH offered him a proper role with flexibility, really tried to help him out and give him some structure – not a pity thing, a real offer – and M just turned his nose up at it. Said he wasn’t being someone’s project. Since then it’s gone downhill. DH tries to be calm but he’s losing patience, especially with a baby in the house.

He said the other night he thinks M puts on the tearful, vulnerable side to get sympathy, and I don’t know… maybe he does, sometimes.

Hi @SisterNeedsAdvice. It sounds like your brother is really struggling and is probably feeling quite lost. Childhood bereavement has lifelong effects and children who are only babies when they lose a parent can often struggle with emotional regulation throughout their lives without really understanding why. They’re too young to process the loss properly and grief can often pop up later in life as they process according to their current life stage. That can also sometimes lead to behaviours that don’t seem appropriate for an adult. Really, he’s a scared little boy in an adult’s body. While I understand why you would want or feel you need to step away, I wonder if you can try and convince him to get some help. You might also want to check out the Adults Bereaved as Children community, there’s a Facebook group with that name where you could post about your situation and I think you would receive some more compassionate, helpful advice than you’ll get here where the norm seems to be that anyone who troubles the bliss of the "little family" is to be ruthlessly jettisoned. In the experience of many people in that community, adults who have lost a parent as a child often don’t start to fully process that loss until their 30s or even later, so I don’t think he should be written off at 28. Wishing you all the best.

It your brother has some form of undiagnosed issue or disorder. However, this is not your responsibility to sort out. He needs to access professional help. I think you need to step back and focus on your own family. I think you need to put in some boundaries to protect your mental health.