to think this is slightly bossy?

[MushroomBrioche]

I'm probably being a bit over sensitive here but wanted to get the mumsnet perspective on this.

A friend and I go for a dog walk together maybe once or twice a week. The time and day varies depending on our respective work patterns so we don't have a firm arrangement in place - it's always more ad hoc. I saw her on Wednesday and we agreed we'd take the dogs out together this morning. I messaged her yesterday to firm up the arrangement and said "still up for a dog walk tomorrow?" and she replied "yes 10.30 x"

Thing is, every time we arrange it she always just states a time. She doesn't say "how about 10.30?" or "Does 10.30 work for you?" - she always just replies with just "11.15 x" or "9.45 x" or whatever.

So am I being over sensitive or is she being slightly dictatorial here? It's usually her that's keener to walk than me as my job is a bit more full on.

It’s not bossy for her to state when she’s free. If you don’t want to join her on the walk then don’t.

Seemsy sensible.

Surely if it doesn't suit you, you can just suggest an alternative or say you can't make that time?

How would she react if you said that you can't do that time and suggest another?

YANBU, it does read like she’s decided the time. If she said ‘10.30?’ that would be fine. Unless she’s saying she’s only free at 10.30.

Why don’t you suggest a time next time? Say ‘Up
for a dog walk at 11.00 tomorrow?’

she probably has no idea this bothers you if you haven’t said so. If 1030 doesn’t work you need to say - can we make that 1100 please? Or something.

You can always message back 9am works better for me. (Or whatever)

I'm a bit like this i put out a time and if it doesn't suit people they usually say, it saves the back and forth of "whenever suits you" I see it as assertive but maybe I am bossy😳

Your initial message was vague. If you have a time in mind that suits you, suggest it up front. I can see why she proposes a time - otherwise you could be toing and froing with messages for ages.

Thanks all - and yes I do often message back and suggest earlier or later however it's the omission of the question mark when she states a time that just irks me a bit!

When she messages me to ask if we're still walking I put "yes 10.30?" or "yes what time works?".

Have you ever responded that her 'suggested' time doesn't work for you and suggested a preferable time? Or maybe texted ""still up for a dog walk tomorrow, 10.30?"

She isn't asking a question though she's saying the time that suits her she's made a decision.

If you read into text punctuation (or lack thereof) you will start seeing tone all over the place where there is none intended.

You're being over-sensitive and extremely fussy about the exact format of response you want. If you want to suggest a time, then get in first e.g. "Are you free for a dog walk tomorrow at 9?"
Even if you think "my job is a bit more full on", she may well have commitments. It might also be that she doesn't complain but has a busy job too. (Though it's unlikely that either of you are actually busy at work to be fair, or you wouldn't be dog walking at 10.30!)

Sometimes, when making arrangements it can turn into a bit of a farce with one person saying “what time?” “I don’t mind” “ok, anytime is fine for me” “ok, shall we say 9” etc etc, so it’s easier to just state a time. But yes, she could word it better so she doesn’t sound so bossy.

If she's bossy and dictatorial, then I'm sure this would have revealed itself in other aspects of your friendship. If it hasn't t, then it's probably just messaging style. If the time isn't convenient for you, suggest another?

It does appear a bit cheeky, but can be difficult to tell. Is she generally a bit ignorant?

Nothing worse than wasting time with
”oh great idea - what time suits you”
” oh I don’t know what about you”
faff

a ? At the end would be nice but I would take it as either inplied or that she doesn’t have a lot of slack for whatever reason - no need for drama

i think you should look for hidden depts in a 3 word text message if the rest of the friendship is fine.

if you’re desperate to read between the lines (you can’t because there aren’t any so I guess I should say words here instred !) then I’d say it was short or abrupt rather than plain rude.

She probably just has limited time and wants to cut through the niceties.

So much digital communication is wasted with this "softening" language: "does that work for you?" and "let me know if that suits" etc. A bit of this general diplomacy is important but it can feel like wading through treacle.

She's just stating what works for her. You presumably know each other well so there's no need to be overly polite and her calculation is you need less of the waffle. I think its fine and I wish I could be more like this.

All she would need is a question mark after the time, not lots of waffle. It's the little things 😉

Possibly she's just not much good at texting and can't find the ?

Some one has to make a decision rather than going backwards and forwards with messages. You coukd have suggested a time in your initial message

I'd much prefer this to a load of to-ing and fro-ing of "What time suits you?" "Whenever is good for you!" "10.30?" "Oh no not 10.30 I've got something to do first" ad infinitum.

It's not a direction its a suggestion. Presumably you can suggest an alternative if it doesn't suit.

There's been a lot of analysis on the way women vs men use language esp in the workplace and it's been found that women use a lot of 'subservience' in their language so as not to offend or appear 'bossy'.

She's missed off a ? that she might well assume is implied anyway. If 10.30 is no good, tell her. If its fine, agree. It's that simple.

If I put punctuation in a message to my children, they ask me if I'm cross

Does she do it to try and stop extra back and forth messaging? You can just thumbs up a 10.30 message, whereas if she puts a question mark it encourages more messaging, which many people don’t enjoy.