Not letting 12 year old stay home alone

[ShrimpyBlue]

DS is 12 (Y7) and wants to be left home alone for short periods if I’m running errands. For example this morning he had to sit in the car for a 60 minute round trip while I dropped his brother off at an activity.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving him as if there was an emergency situation I don’t think he would have the skills to deal with it and I just don’t trust him. He is autistic and immature for his age. He lacks a sense of danger and can be impulsive.

Examples of things he has done in the past few years that make me not trust him - got suspended from school for an ‘April fool’s’ prank, live streamed himself eating non edible items, answered the door to a random person and invited them in. That’s just a few examples - he also has difficulty following basic instructions

He thinks I’m being very unreasonable and says he will just sit and watch TV or play PS so nothing could possibly go wrong. I don’t know - I do understand his point of view. And whilst I believe he might have every intention to just sit and watch TV I don’t trust that he wouldn’t get distracted with mischief. What if someone knocks at the door? What if decides he’s hungry? There’s so many unknowns and he is so impulsive.

He’s now asked me what he needs to do for me to trust him. And I don’t really know. I will have to start leaving him and trusting him at some point. I’ve told him for now to work on following instructions - like when I tell him to stop doing x dangerous thing he just stops!

I don’t know. AIBU? Over protective?

Given he is autistic, no,YANBU.

i think you've said the right thing to him.

i suppose if he can prove he can listen & follow instructions youll feel more confident to leave him for very short periods of time (20 mins) building up to longer periods.

its not easy 🤗

My daughter is autistic and I would leave her in these situations.

I think children learn through being given small bits of independence - if they don't take the small steps and make small mistakes - they can't take the big steps.

He is asking to try - could you do some really low key trial runs?

I think you need to start small. Could you practice what to do on case of emergency. Write down the rules when hes home alone and put them somewhere visible like the fridge and front doorr. Write down peoples phone numbers and emergency contacts and leave them by the phone. Then you could you pop out for 5 minutes and see how he gets on and if hes fine the after a few weeks extend it to 10 minutes and so on.

I think you have to trust your judgement of your child abilities and gradually work up giving him more responsibilities. Certainly i wouldn't leave him for an hour at this stage but perhaps shorter durations.

Yes, this
I'm struggling with leaving my autistic 11 year old but also know secondary school is looming and some independence is needed. We've been practicing short periods of time, and repeatedly going over "what to do if..."

This.

To be fair a friend with NT but not streetwise children did similar.

She also tested her children by sending a friend around.

“You have to prove to me, over a period of at least six months, that you can follow instructions and behave sensibly. If, after two months, I have confidence you won’t do something daft, we can trial very short periods alone at home. The aim would be to move on to me having the confidence to allow longer times. If, at any point, you behave in a way that is unsafe, the clock goes back to the beginnIng.”

He does need to learn, and to teach him you will have to loosen the reins a little. However, you are the adult and you will decide how loose and when. He has agency because he has to make the right choices to get the benefit.

Thanks - some good suggestions here for starting small and giving him goals to work towards

At his age a NT child could probably , but your examples show he isn't mature enough/his consequential thinking isn't developed enough yet. I agree with the suggestions to build up to it.
YANBU

NT DD was absolutely fine to leave at that age. ASD DD 10, we’ve just started leaving for very short periods, like 20 mins. But she’s scared of everything so I actually trust she’ll just sit on the sofa.

Given your son’s profile I’d be building up very very gradually

I’ve only just started leaving my AuDHD 14 year old for short periods of time. It leaves me so anxious though. He’s impulsive and doesn’t stop and think. I tell him not to answer the door. It feels ridiculous at this age but he’s done so many silly things that I feel I can’t yet trust him. I wasn’t like this with my other child. So short trips only and while he will protest if he doesn’t want to come out with me, sometimes there’s no choice. You know your child best so I would perhaps start building up to longer periods until you feel it’s safe.

I can see his point about not wanting to be sat in a car for an hour while you chauffeur a sibling about. I remember that and it did cause resentment. As others have sais, start small with short periods and build up gradually.

He is going to need to learn how to be independent.

Could you get some Ring cameras indoors so you can see him/talk to him if you're concerned?

I wouldn’t be leaving a child who I thought might invite a random stranger into the house or eat something non-edible - doesn’t matter what age they are or how frustrating they find it you can’t leave someone alone who can’t keep themselves safe. I wouldn’t phase it as being about “trusting him” though - he’s not doing something deliberately to break your trust, he’s displaying his disability. My own autistic child has less freedom than some of his friends not because I don’t trust him but because his instinctive reactions in some situations just aren’t safe and he can’t moderate them yet.

If you think your son might have outgrown some of that behaviour (you say over the years - if it’s something he did when he was eight it’s not really relevant now) I’d start with very short trips and work your way up. I’d also either get him a mobile phone or program your landline to speed dial some numbers - it’s much easier to remember “press seven” to call Mum if something happens than it is to correctly dial a number on a bit of paper that inevitably moves from beside the phone. Get him to show you how to lock and unlock the front and back doors - he needs to be able to get out if there’s a fire. Talk about foreseeable emergencies- fire, power cut, the internet goes off, you get stuck and can’t get home, he hurts himself, he breaks a glass or drops a plate, his friend knocks at the door and invites him to the park, a delivery driver calls….

If he can’t deal with those things sensibly and safely you can’t leave him, however annoying he finds that.

My son is autistic and I would and do leave him. They need to learn to be independent or adulthood will be a shock. Do you have a ring doorbell? Alexas you can announce to when he is home alone and he can reply?