Feel like these friends never make the effort back

[ThePartyArtist]

We have good friends who are a couple with kids the same age as ours. We've known them for decades and often spent time together as 2 families.

Lately though, we (DH and I) feel like for some time we've been making all the effort to initiate meeting up.

Some of our suggestions have been rebuffed such as evening drinks (thinking the men meet / the women meet so no need for babysitters). Bedtime seems to be a big thing in their house and they both have to be there (the kids aren't babies).

Other times they've just ignored invitations eg. Going to do something with the kids all together.

I thought perhaps they don't want to plan so far ahead so tried shorter term ('want to hang out tomorrow?' sort of message and got no reply).

Quite often it feels like pulling teeth as they don't respond for a long time / don't commit to actual dates.

I feel like we're doing all the running and am beginning to take it personally.
If we do get to see them they don't initiate the next meet up, it's back to us doing it.

Am aware they have stressful jobs which may be a factor. I don't know if they're just overwhelmed.

Unsure if / how to broach it or if I'm just imagining it. But starting to feel resentful at the rejection and one-sidedness.

It's simple, if they wanted to see you they would. Don't suggest anything or message them and see what happens.

Op I stopped with these types all one sided efforts. We have no young kids so no excuses. Same with meetups or coffees. Always me doing arranging. Just gets tiring always same ones doing planning. So texts have fizzled out now..

I think a lot of friends are like this. Probably a sign you shouldn't be friends, or that friendship has outgrown, when you're the one making all the effort and it's not reciprocated.

Lost count on how many times I decided to stop arranging things every time with friends and see if they then decided to make the arrangements/text/call/whatever instead. When they didn't, the friendship ended.

I think you should take the hint and stop bothering

Maybe they are super busy at work, maybe they are having relationship issues and don’t want to have to put a false front on, maybe the kids are being really difficult - who knows.

I wouldn’t take it personally but I would stop trying. Maybe send a general message like “Hiya, been a while, be lovely to catch up sometime but I know you’re hectic. Give us a shout when you can.” And then leave it.

Exactly my thoughts, too.

Stop bothering

It should be a two way effort.

It's not.

Stop trying.

Leave it.

And make new friends.

Yes should be two way efforts. If people want see you they will make effort.

And the other woman will write a thread: "Why is this couple insisting on meet-ups all the time. We keep turning them down but they just won't take a hint."
Do take the hint OP and save your energy for people who do want to meet. It's maybe not even personal. Some people are just tired and want to stay at home. I'm like that while DH is a social butterfly. Each to their own.

You've grown apart.
You are social and proactive, they're not, preferring to spend time alone.
Don't suggest anymore meetings.
If they are bothered by changes, they'll ask or explain.

Just stop planning. Be polite and chat (if you normally do) but leave it to them. If they don’t arrange to meet then you have your answer

We've known them for decades
Raise it with them, ask them?
(why does nobody on MN ever talk to anybody)

Time to let them go

Because there is little point in raising it with them.

People very rarely admit the truth in situations like this.

It is better to match energy and action.

Do your children get on? There are people I won’t spend time with if it involves children because they parent differently or our children don’t enjoy each other’s company.

We also have a few friends who seem to find it impossible to do something with their children without another family. The Zoo, Park, holidays. Everything has to involve someone else. Not all families work this way and some just like their own company. We do and we rarely spend time with other families no matter how much we like them. Family time is precious.

Whatever the reasoning you need to leave it. I think they’ve made it clear that they would like some space.

I’m always bemused by these posts about ‘effort’ in friendship, like it’s some sort of domestic labour that everyone is obliged to share and someone who doesn’t want to hang out with you is being lazy or not working hard enough.

If your friends never initiate contact or suggest meeting up and often ignore your messages. at some point I think you do have to take it a bit personally - because what they’re communicating is either (a) they just don’t want to meet up as often as you do (b) the friendship isn’t as important to them as it is to you (c) socialising in general isn’t the priority for them that it is for you.

It may also be that you like them both, but not both of them like both of you - which is an issue DH and I have had with couple friends though the years.

Just back off a bit and see if things recalibrate.

It’s very had to find a kind way of saying, ‘we’re busy, and when we do have free time we don’t want to spend it with you’ 🤷‍♀️

Some friendships drift for a while and you can come back to them later, so long as everyone is responsive and accommodating to shifts in people’s availability and nobody makes a drama of it. But no friendship will come back from a blunt and direct conversation about all the various reasons why they’re not a priority for you just now.

I think reach out a few times. Leave it at that then. Felt a bit lately was such an effort meeting up. They wouldnt follow it up. So I pulled back a bit in friendships