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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To text my Ex? (This one is different)

49 replies

PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 17:30

I want to get back in touch with my Ex to tell him how amazing he is.

I have been secretly obsessed with my Ex since I ended it with him a few weeks ago. Ex is so fanciable but he had a load of crazy that I could not deal with - there seemed to be a drama in every direction - it was all just A Lot. I have my own share of drama without someone else’s so I said Thanks and Bye. We hadn’t been together long - not much more than a couple of months.

Last week I worked out my Ex has now reported his childhood abuser. The abuser is a local community figure and I found out he’d been arrested for historic abuse through Facebook (and the police confirm man X age Y job arrested). This abuser had a huge impact on my Ex: so much of his adult life has been damaged (particularly relationships).

AIBU to reach out to Ex to tell him he is so brave? Is it tokenistic? I want to say something nice but i am not sure if me knowing some details (which I do) will make Ex feel vulnerable. Also, there’s the fact that I fancy him and am not neutral.

YABU - stay away, Ex needs peace and not people who dumped him ambivalently
YANBU - it’s nice to have support, message him

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:15

justkeepswimingswiming · 29/05/2025 18:10

You sound crazy and not the good crazy.

Really? Wouldn’t a crazy person just have messaged? Would she be on here working out the right thing to do?

Ex let me into this terrible secret (obviously I now realise he was processing and on the cusp of doing something about it). Now I am processing and trying to get that right. Hence the thread.

OP posts:
Allaboutmememe · 29/05/2025 18:17

Leave the man alone he dont want you back.

However i dont believe your crazy post one bit.
It sounds like the other poster thats obsessed with her husband.

TinyTempest · 29/05/2025 18:17

"Amazing, great, wonderful, brave"

He's probably going to find this level of hero worship quite disturbing, especially as you were only together for a couple of months.

You're coming across on this thread as 'too much', I can only imagine how you'd come across in real life.

Leave him be, if he needs support there are people and places he can turn to.

Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:19

TinyTempest · 29/05/2025 18:17

"Amazing, great, wonderful, brave"

He's probably going to find this level of hero worship quite disturbing, especially as you were only together for a couple of months.

You're coming across on this thread as 'too much', I can only imagine how you'd come across in real life.

Leave him be, if he needs support there are people and places he can turn to.

I am not ‘too much’ - I have been exactly zero. We haven’t spoken.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:22

Allaboutmememe · 29/05/2025 18:17

Leave the man alone he dont want you back.

However i dont believe your crazy post one bit.
It sounds like the other poster thats obsessed with her husband.

I dumped him and haven’t spoken to him since.

Unless you have spoken to him, you don’t know if he wants me back or not.

Perhaps you just thought you’d be unpleasant on the internet. But why?

OP posts:
Allaboutmememe · 29/05/2025 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

outerspacepotato · 29/05/2025 18:26

Put the same energy into this dead and buried dated for a few weeks fling that he does.

That means nothing. No texts, no contact, nothing.

From one tater to another.

Wednesdayisme · 29/05/2025 18:33

I think it's way too soon to be texting him and he has your number if he wants to reach out.
What that guy's gone through is horrendous and I bet his heads all over the place. Do him a favour leave him be, just be there as a friend if he does contact you.

Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:34

outerspacepotato · 29/05/2025 18:26

Put the same energy into this dead and buried dated for a few weeks fling that he does.

That means nothing. No texts, no contact, nothing.

From one tater to another.

Edited

He put in energy, but I said let’s stop.

People here seem quite keen to minimise the relationship: ‘dead and buried dated for a few weeks fling’.

I don’t see it that way and I would be surprised if he did.

OP posts:
EG94 · 29/05/2025 18:38

you won’t leave it until you message him so just message him. Maybe he wants you maybe he doesn’t. Just ask and respect the response

Wednesdayisme · 29/05/2025 18:38

I'm not dismissing your relationship only you know what it was like.
But you ended it for a reason, nothing to feel guilty of as you were struggling but what the poor guy is going through I just don't think it's a good idea to message him atm.

Letsummercommence · 29/05/2025 18:42

PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 17:51

Well, I think as I dumped him he might not approach me. The abuse has really messed him up which he knew, but part of that has to do with rejection. I wanted to let him know I think he is great.

Show quote history

But your overwhelming love doesn't matter. It's not a relationship unless he fancies/wants to be with you.
He will be back in touch if he does. Even if you did dump him he would find a way to get back in touch - apologise for the "craziness" or whatever. A bit like you wanting to get back in touch with him.

Let him be, unless he makes some approach.

GreyCarpet · 29/05/2025 18:42

PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 17:51

Well, I think as I dumped him he might not approach me. The abuse has really messed him up which he knew, but part of that has to do with rejection. I wanted to let him know I think he is great.

Show quote history

I understand that but I wouldn't want someone I'd briefly dated in a high drama situation to message me in those circumstances it would make me feel uncomfortable and probably a bit embarrassed (I have a history of childhood abuse) that I'd overshared.

TinyTempest · 29/05/2025 18:45

You dumped him and haven't spoken to him since.

How do you know he's reported his abuser to the police?

They could've been reported by another one of their victims.

Either way, if you couldn't handle the drama then, why would you handle it now?

Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:52

TinyTempest · 29/05/2025 18:45

You dumped him and haven't spoken to him since.

How do you know he's reported his abuser to the police?

They could've been reported by another one of their victims.

Either way, if you couldn't handle the drama then, why would you handle it now?

i am as sure as I can be that he reported it, he was talking about ways to get past it when we were together. It’s abuse from over 30years ago and it would be unusual (but not impossible) coincidence for it to have come up again at exactly the same time.

I don’t want to ‘handle drama’ - I wanted to say Well done, that must have been so hard, you were really brave’.

Someone up thread said I put him on a pedestal as though I was exaggerating what a big thing this is. It’s a really big deal. The only question was whether to tell him what I think or keep it to myself.

OP posts:
Mistyglade · 29/05/2025 18:52

You dumped him and he’s now going through hell. You can either be kind and allow him space to deal with it or you can make it about yourself.

Original poster
PoliteSpud · 29/05/2025 18:54

Mistyglade · 29/05/2025 18:52

You dumped him and he’s now going through hell. You can either be kind and allow him space to deal with it or you can make it about yourself.

He has space. I am kind. I am not ‘making it about myself’ - the thread is about what’s right for him.

OP posts:
MoominMai · 29/05/2025 19:24

@PoliteSpud i think it’s great you’re considering all angles and not just going in immediately. I’d think your ex is going through a lot right now and I imagine he needs therapy and a lot of work on himself for which he needs to be as stable minded as possible. In which case I’d just leave him alone to figure his life out. Also you still seem to have feelings and it would just be too bad for both of you if you acted on them/he was still interested.

WhereIsMyJumper · 29/05/2025 19:40

Take it from someone who recently was back in touch with an ex who had a whole load of drama going on too… (in fairness, he contacted me not the other way around) and sitting here broken hearted again. Don’t do it. I’ve blocked now.

Lmnop22 · 29/05/2025 20:02

I think it’s weird to get back in touch with someone you just dumped for being too much drama to tell them they’re amazing no matter what they’ve done.

Also you “worked out” that he reported his abuser? I’m not sure how reliable your detective skills are but he may well not have done this or may well want to remain anonymous - he would have told you had he wanted your support.

sammylady37 · 29/05/2025 20:22

What makes you think he gives a damn what your opinion is at this stage? You’re the one who says you’re ‘secretly obsessed’ with him still, and Emily still fancy him. There’s nothing to suggest he retains any interest in you. And, if you’re right about what he’s done (which is a big if) he has enough going on without the reappearance of someone who he had a short relationship with but who didn’t want to handle all his issues. Leave the man alone.

Hallywally · 29/05/2025 20:28

Just leave the poor bloke alone. He’s clearly going through a lot and doesn’t need you confusing him and muddying the waters. Are you sure he was the drama llama in the relationship?

sammylady37 · 29/05/2025 20:30

sammylady37 · 29/05/2025 20:22

What makes you think he gives a damn what your opinion is at this stage? You’re the one who says you’re ‘secretly obsessed’ with him still, and Emily still fancy him. There’s nothing to suggest he retains any interest in you. And, if you’re right about what he’s done (which is a big if) he has enough going on without the reappearance of someone who he had a short relationship with but who didn’t want to handle all his issues. Leave the man alone.

*still fancy him. I’m not sure who Emily is or why she’s in my post!

Feathers72829292 · 29/05/2025 20:44

No, you have no idea if he reported the person. Lots of these people have more than one victim so contacting him about it might just cause him distress. If he reaches out to you to tell you about it you can tell him how great he is then.

Also if you dumped him he either won’t want to hear from you or it might be interpreted as you trying to reconcile which could cause further distress at what may be a challenging time.

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