DH has been messaging a woman on Insta

[Kate231]

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable here, as my confidence is not great at the moment having put on weight the last few years and DH is a good looking guy who hits the gym everyday. But DH has just said to me that he's arranged for us to meet this couple at our local pub at the weekend as we 'share lots of mutual interests'. I asked him how he got to know him (thinking he would have messaged the woman's DH) but he said he was chatting to the woman as they share a mutual hobby (they both have insta pages related to this hobby).

This woman is also married, but after looking at her social media she's literally gorgeous. She's 32, blonde, booby, 5 years younger than me and just seems totally cool and I've seen red. Of course my DH wants to meet up with them as he no doubt has a huge crush on her 🙄I probably am reacting badly to this based on this woman's appearance but it's so hard not to. Would I feel this way if he was messaging the woman's DH? Probably not. DH assures me it's purely been innocent chat about the hobby and she's coming with her DH, hence why he asked me to go along too so we can make new friends.

I don't know. Something just feels off to me. What does everyone think?

I can understand why you are feeling upset about this. Making friends with random women on Instagram doesn't seem a good look for a married man.

He has obviously been chatting to this woman quite a bit and in depth if he knows all about their mutual interests.
I would worry that this meeting up with her and her H was a " hiding in plain sight" tactic .

I suppose you are best to go along to the meet up and you will be able to check out the vibe between your H and this woman.

Have you seen the messages between them? Is your husband open with his phone. I think there does sometimes come with some unease of opposite sex befriending each other but if he is open and honest and she is friendly and open with you, I would say its fine.
if there are messages you are not party to or you feel something really is off then you need to trust your instincts

"Make new friends", yeah right. What could possibly go wrong.

I’m on the fence. Ok I wouldn’t want my DH messaging a woman off Instagram… absolutely I wouldn’t! But also, he’s arranged a double date for you 2 and her and her husband. If they really fancied each other do you think he’d even openly tell you about her? I don’t know and I don’t envy you right now as I can imagine how hard this is for you and why you are worrying. Part of me says put a smile on your face and meet her and her husband to see how your DH is around her, if you’re really worried could you ask DH to see the messages?

Only thing I would say is I hope he doesn’t have a habit of messaging random woman on social media

Hmm. I think what you’re feeling may be coming from a lack of confidence in yourself. He doesn’t (on the surface of it) appear to have done anything particularly wrong. Talking to someone of the opposite sex about a shared hobby (be it in real life or on social media) is not cheating or even a sign of wanting to cheat.

If this woman wasn’t what you consider “gorgeous”, would you have had the same reaction? Your DH’s actions would have been the same even if you had considered her to be less attractive than you.

I think the fact that he wants all four of you to meet is a good thing. I think you should put on your best dress and your best smile and go. Show yourself (and whoever else needs to know, although I suspect it’s just you) that you are the extremely deserving and loved and attractive wife of your good looking DH.

Jealousy is not a good look. Confidence definitely is.

Agree, I would go and see what she’s like and how my DH is around her. I would assume if DH wants to meet as a group of 4 then nothing sinister is going on but also, would probably tell DH I hope he’s not messagifn random woman all the time on social media 😂

I agree with the PP above that bonding over a shared hobby is a normal thing to do. He has met this woman (and perhaps her DH?) at the hobby, she isn't a random woman from Instagram. In addition, he has arranged for you both to meet up with both of them so he is being open and not e.g. arranging to meet up with her on his own. I am also wondering if you would feel the same way if this woman wasn't gorgeous

Is this the first time he has mentioned it or has he mentioned in passing to you about chatting to her over instagram before. It would take a fair bit of chatting to get to the let's meet up and be friends stage?

This would be such a out of character thing for my oh to do that it would set off alarm bells with me. Is it out of character for him?
I'm inclined to say trust your gut. Something doesn't feel right to you.

What's the hobby?

Strip tiddlywinks.

Possibly.

You are making judgements about this woman, based on the way she looks … you might want to check your internal misogyny there.

She might be a very nice person, your husband knows both of them .. she may well share an Insta with her husband.

You have jumped to some enormous conclusions, based only on your own low-self esteem.

It depends if you think he would still have messaged her if she wasn’t drop dead gorgeous. In my experience unless there is some longer term connection men don’t generally seek friendships with unattractive women.

Off topic but why is he able to look after his health and all fit and gorgeous? Aren't you able to have time out for yourself?

As I often read on here - it’s never “Arthur from accounts”. Always attractive women with “shared hobbies” isn’t it.

You’ll get lots of replies though saying “I’ve got lots of male friends/so you’re husband isn’t allowed to chose his friends/would you feel the same if she was older/not attractive” etc. But you know your DH and you’ll just need to see what vibe you get when you all meet up. Good luck.

Having been on the receiving end of awful jealousy/bitterness from a friend’s partner - who I also met with my own boyfriend in tow! - I’ll add my own perspective on this.

Firstly, if they both have Instagram accounts devoted to the same hobby, it’s pretty normal that they’re chatting. DP has conversations with people online all the time about his hobby and I do too about mine. And I strongly doubt your DH would be arranging double dates if they were planning on shagging each other.

Secondly, you seem to judging this woman massively on her appearance. She can’t help being ‘booby’ and she’s only five years younger than you; it’s an age difference that would barely register with most people.

I also doubt your DH is anything like the catch you think he is. You fancy him; that doesn’t mean all women do. He’s just a bloke and I doubt other women are all clamouring to steal him from you.

In my own situation, my male friend’s partner was very, very insecure. She looked very different from me - she certainly wasn’t less attractive than me, but had a very different style - and seemed to think this was a threat (despite her being 100% my friend’s type and me being a million miles away from that) and despite the fact that my friend had invited me and my boyfriend to the event we went to. I also had precisely zero attraction to my friend, who is a lovely bloke but so far from what I look for in a partner that I want to recoil at the mere thought. His girlfriend had literally nothing to worry about but in her head she built me up into something so completely different from what I am that it actually scared me a bit. Some of the things you’re saying just remind me slightly of that situation.

Absolutely. I would not be happy. Your confidence seems low . He knows that & it's not acceptable. I think this kind of stuff leads to allsorts....no I don't think. I know. Unfortunately it's a big no from me.
Though you will go with your gut instinct and I'm hearing doubts from you....also stop putting yourself down love. He's good looking and goes to the gym, so what ?. I think you are being made to feel insecure. Don't. Put your crown on and take control love. I think us women should stick together. Not be msging married men. I don't like it. He needs telling it's wrong & inappropriate. Xx

Please. I spent a little time tonight on this "channel" or whatever you call this Mumsnet... Seriously, are you all so concerned about what your idiotic OHs are doing? If I could shake mine off, I'd be the happiest woman on earth and I would never even look at another man. I despair. You are so much more than your OH and your lives would, in all likelihood, be so much better without a hapless man tagging along. Anyone looking for a boyfriend?? He's handsome but useless. Free to a good home etc etc...

Is she actually 'gorgeous' though or is OP just idealising her because she's "blonde and booby"? I also want to add for @Kate231 , if she's still on here, that this woman's Instagram reel will just be her posed, 'best light', and highly likely edited photos. When you met her in real life, I bet she didn't look the same (even if she was heavily made up).

How did it go in the end?