I’m due to go on a hen weekend in a month. I’ve known the bride and bridesmaids for about five years. I see them a couple of times a year and have been away with them before. They know I’ve occasionally opted out of activities and that it’s for health reasons, but I’ve never gone into detail. (The reality is a chronic illness and spinal issues—both delightfully invisible.) I’ve kept it vague to avoid making a thing of it.
A WhatsApp group was set up months ago. We were told it was a country house weekend, and asked for a £100 deposit. I paid straight away and asked where we were going, but was told we weren’t allowed to know yet. Then—nothing. No updates for months.
Fast forward to this week—I really need to sort travel plans, so I ask again for details. Suddenly, an invite appears: location, packing list… and the main activity is pole dancing. I look up the property and discover we’ll also be sharing double beds. Neither of these things delight me 😂
I message one of the bridesmaids (who I am closest to) to say the invite looks great, but I may need to sit out of some things due to health stuff. Could I get a rough itinerary so I’m not dealing with it all on the spot? She’s reluctant but eventually sends a basic outline—along with strict instructions not to mention it to anyone else. I joke about it being top secret; she says it’s just so the bride doesn’t find out. I also ask about sleeping arrangements—she doesn’t answer directly, just says people can sleep on blow-up mattresses on the floor if they want (hard no from me).
It’s all starting to feel a bit odd, so I ask if we can talk. We speak a few days later, and before I’ve even said anything, she’s defensive—leads with “The bride is happy with everything.” I say, of course! I’m not trying to change anything, I just want to make sure I’m not going to be in a situation that’s physically not manageable or deeply uncomfortable.
I say I can’t sleep on the floor, and that I won’t share a bed with a stranger. I also mention I might have to sit out of the pole dancing depending on how I’m feeling. She immediately tells me that would mess everything up, because the routine is being choreographed for exactly eight people, and eight people is the minimum required. That’s what she tells me, very definitively. Which feels odd because a) the pressure - we’re 40yr olds with wobbly bits not auditioning for the pussy cat dolls and b) sounds questionable—what if someone got ill last minute?
She really pushes this idea that my non-participation would ruin it for everyone. So I say, if that’s genuinely the case, maybe I need to bow out of the weekend altogether. And by this point, I already feel like I’m just being a hassle. I clarify that I’d still cover my share regardless —but might not be able to take part in everything.
Because her reaction was so cold, I ended up explaining more about my health than I ever usually do (and felt annoyed with myself for having to justify it). I asked if I could speak directly to the pole instructor, which she agreed to.
And honestly, she could not have been lovelier. She said I can join in however much or little I want, and it won’t impact anyone else at all. And, crucially, she told me eight is the maximum group size she takes, not the minimum.
So now, I feel completely fine about the activity—but very uncomfortable about how this has been handled. I’m left with a few thoughts:
- How do you take money from people and plan compulsory activities without asking—or even telling—them, then get annoyed when they have questions?
- My friend’s reaction was, frankly, really poor.
- What she told me about my participation affecting the whole group wasn’t true.
- We’ve been in this WhatsApp group since November, and we’re still being drip-fed info a month out?
- First I’m told the bride knows nothing, then that she approved everything.
- Being told the activity needed eight people was a flat-out lie.
- I don’t want to share a bed with someone at all, really
- If I’d known about the pole dancing and bed-sharing upfront, I wouldn’t have paid the deposit—lesson learned for next time.
- Slightly less of a concern, but still: no one’s told us where our money’s going or what it covers.
10 This ultimately only needed to be a brief chat where I said I might sit out and was told ‘sure whatever you feel comfortable with’ but instead it’s turned into all this. I’m really taken aback tbh.
So now I’m torn. Do I politely remove myself from the hen do and spare myself the awkwardness and anxiety? That might make things uncomfortable at the wedding, and I’ll probably be labelled “difficult”—but should that bother me? Or do I just go, now that I know the activity is fine, and try to enjoy it?
And if I do go, do I say something to this “friend” about how she handled it? Because I really want to—but it might not end well, and it would basically be calling her out for lying. What should I do?
If you got this far, thanks for reading - opinions gratefully received!