So some background. I'm now 25, diagnosed autistic and ADHD in early childhood. I'm constantly bombarded with negative, and for me, cringe-inducing memories. They're affecting my life to such an extent I will literally ruminate over and over again, obviously with the same result: extreme anxiety. Even now in adulthood I'm getting bullied. I thought it was supposed to get easier as you get older, but the feeling of not belonging is just getting greater and greater with each next traumatic (I say traumatic because it's becoming like trauma for me, I can't get a break, and it seems I'm destined to constantly have negative experiences, they're building up, stacking on top of a neverending volume of horrible experiences, and I'm losing the will to live) memory.
One that's bothering me, when I was in primary school, I must have been about 6. I used to twirl my hair to stim, especially in assembly because being in the middle of 200 people was overwhelming. The headmaster was walking down the aisle in the middle of us all, it was completely silent, and he yelled at me in front of everyone, 'What are you, a sissy girl?! Stop twirling your hair!' I'm pretty sure I heard a gasp from all the pupils and teachers reverberate through the otherwise silent hall, but my god, even as a 6 year old, I remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed, and I still feel so haunted (that's a better descriptor, all my memories are haunting me and I can't get away from them) by it. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Another, I used to have an online friend when I was 12. We used to play this online chatroom game together. This is going to sound so shocking, but it's all true. Said 'friend', who was also 12, used to strip on camera for older guys (18+) for in-game currency. He even encouraged me to do the same. I should add, he was trans (pretended to be a girl, high voice, etc.) and would 'tuck' (if you've ever seen RPDR you'll know). I didn't even know what porn was at the time (he introduced me to it) and this guy probably took away a lot of my innocence. When we fell out, 'friend' somehow stalked me and found all my family and friends on Facebook. He messaged them all that I was 'stripping on cam for old men for coins', exactly what he was doing. I was so embarrassed, hurt, shocked, I remember crying my eyes out when he said these f*ed up things about me that HE was doing (must have known it was wrong and was projecting?) as a 12-year-old boy. I don't think I ever properly discussed it with my family, I think I also pretended to just not care even though it affected me massively, and to this day I wonder what my family must think of me, whether I was really doing those nasty, revolting things. He even constantly contacted my school, telling them lies about me and trying to get my address. I actually think this experience is why I am so scared to make friends and have huge trust issues, it definitely affected and stunted my development. I was so innocent before meeting him, he obviously has mental issues but I was only a child.
There's so many more but just a couple that come to mind at the moment. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance and that it was not okay.