To be annoyed at family member for even trying to compare incomes

[Golfbluemotion]

A very close family member earns £100k a year and her husband earns £180k a year. They have 2 children

This family member is ALWAYS claiming poverty to me as their outgoings are so high such as a £3.5k mortgage, 3 expensive cars on finance.

For comparison, I earn £45k a year and my husband earns £40k and we have 4 children. We get by 'ok' as we have some savings.

This family member is always telling me that we have more spare cash than them, that we are better off than them because their outgoing are so high. She behaves as if she is a victim of her outgoings and that they were not a choice.

I couldn't care less what they earn as we are happy with our lot, but how can she, with a serious face, make out we are better off? We have savings of £20k. She cannot grasp that their incomes of £280k a year makes our savings seem pathetic. We have 2 older cars (not on finance), a modest 3 bed semi, and manage a holiday each year.

I find myself increasingly fed up of this family member.

AIBU to think she cannot possibly claim we are better off that her when we would have to work 4 years each just to cover what her husband earns?

I think your sister is on that other thread over there.. .

Quite a few today.

Refuse to talk money with them. Change the subject. If they ask about your savings just dodge the question. I don’t know what anyone earns except DH, nor does anyone but us know what he earns or what we have saved. We don’t complain about money to others and we change the subject when others complain to us. It’s a private matter and discussing money (between siblings I’m guessing) rarely ends with both sides feeling happy and satisfied with their lot.

Call her out on it. “Are you deliberately rubbing my nose in your much higher household income, or are you just out of touch? Either way, it’s incredibly rude and condescending, so please stop.”

A few what?

Why don't you just agree with her and say that you are better off then they are.

High earner posts

Why do you know about each others household incomes in such detail?

It’s v bizarre of her to talk about how much better off you are though - I’d just shut it down, or change the topic if you don’t want to be confrontational.

She might not feel she’s getting as much value-add for her technically far higher income as she had thought, but that’s nothing to do with you.

How old are her kids? She might be spending £4-5k a month on top of the £3.5k childcare, which is quite brutal.

Thanks everyone. One child is at uni, one is year 11.

Offer to swap incomes? (Just kidding obviously), yanbu

One of my former work colleagues had a boat. Her neighbours were very jealous of her…how can YOU afford a boat. This is what your sister is doing.
She told them that she and her partner prioritized what was important to them and spent little money on other things.
Your sister is being a gloaty cow and she knows it .

Just agree, yes sis, you obviously have less disposable income than the family on a third of your salaries, you poor thing. Then change the subject and ignore.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or says about it, instead of getting irritated, let her have the last word. You can change how you react to it as you won't change her mind. There are far bigger fish to fry in life.

I realised that by always having the last word, or trying to, only irritated me and it actually wasn't important at all. They can have if it makes them feel better.

I honestly think people like this are best avoiding.DH's brother and wife were like this.They didn't have that income but leeched off DH's parents who they worked for, paid cash in hand so hoarded that, claimed benefits and free childcare they weren't entitled to, avoided paying tax and lived in an inherited home so had no living costs.
They liked to show off about their money whilst at the same time constantly moaning they were hard up!
We don't speak to them anymore as we got sick or their shallow attitudes and it's so nice not to have to see/hear it.

Why do you all know and discuss each other's incomes?

My family knows roughly what I earn as the payscale is in the public domain. I know what my partner earns. I could have a rough stab at what my sister in law earns and would imagine that my brother earns roughly the same as the rest of us put together.

But finances are something that none of us ever discuss.

I know they're better off than us, and so do they, but it's just not important. None of us cares!

Stop sharing and stop discussing it. There are far more interesting things in life to talk about.

Well... yes. I'm on a basic pension, but I buy things and go out for coffee or lunch when I want to, because I live within my means. Owing all that money sounds like hell to me.

I have absolutely no idea what my family and friends earn. I’d suggest you just stop talking about money with these people. Apart from anything else it is unbearably dull.

Agree it shouldn't be discussed though, just change the subject.

This. Agree, with an added "I suppose it depends what your priorities are, flashy cars or giving your family a decent quality of life". Tilt head.

I would find this person quite draining and probably limit my time with them.

Next time she makes a big deal out of it just ask why she doesn't Sell her house and buy a smaller one and why doesn't she sell two cars what does she need three for

Be blunt.

"Your income is more than three times ours. And with two children instead of four".

"You have made the choice to have such high outgoings".

"Do you really think I'm the right audience for this?".

Then stop talking. Return awkwardness to sender. She's a daft cow.

Say you’d be happy to help her budget her money as you do!

Just offer to swap.