AIBU for agreeing to this weird PA role?

[grizzlyoldbear]

He’s asked me to book him driving lessons (he’s from Pakistan and can drive here for a year on his licence before needing a UK one).
All I’m doing is checking the Nextdoor app for instructors with good reviews and messaging them, nothing he couldn’t have done himself. I didn’t offer, he asked and I just sort of said yes. I guess it made me feel useful at the time, but now that it’s hanging over me, I’m annoyed, especially when he interrupts me to ask if I’ve done it yet, which completely breaks my concentration.
He’s a hospital doctor with a full-on job, sure, but so am I. I just happen to work from home and somehow I’ve ended up running his admin too?
I’ve got severe ADHD, so task-switching and interruptions are brutal for me. Even little favours like this totally derail my focus and leave me frazzled.
I agreed to it, but I’m still pissed off. AIBU?

Would be very helpful if you explained exactly who ‘he’ is in relation to you, OP.

Who is “he” to you? If it’s someone actually employing you as a PA that sounds a very normal thing to ask you to do, if it’s your DH less so.

(Edit - I mean employing you as a personal PA. If you’re employed by the NHS you shouldn’t be doing his personal stuff.)

Jesus Christ why are you doing it? Tell him you know you agreed, but actually you are too busy with your own work to help him with this. I assume you’re in a relationship or married - are you planning to spend the rest of your life doing all his admin for him?

Are you his PA? Or are you also a hospital doctor? It’s a bit unclear from what you’ve written.

If you are an NHS secretary, no, not appropriate. If you are in a private PA role, yes, appropriate. If you are actually a doctor, no, of course, it’s not appropriate.

That said, my friend used to work as a PA for a wealthy finance executive. The bulk of her job seemed to be booking private jets and car service for his multiple mistresses and various favourite sex workers such that none of them ever bumped into each other and stayed well clear of his wife. But anyway, I digress.

@Alltheoldpaintings @Bourbonversuscustardcream @mindutopia @RedSetter78

He's my partner sorry!

Please don’t get sucked into doing this. It breeds codependency.

It's like he lacks confidence to do this shit himself, I don't really get it.

Didn’t want to assume it was your partner but codependency comment applies even more: my ex was from abroad and I wasted years of my life doing his life admin for him at the expense of my own career and friendships. It came from a good place (wanting to help him because he genuinely struggled with language barriers and racist systems) but it ended up being part of coercive control as I was too busy doing stuff for him to realise he was abusive. I have severe adhd too. It makes us hyper-empathetic. Often at our own expense.

Or he thinks your time is less valuable than his?

Ok, so just tell him you found it hard because x, y and z so in future he needs a to book his own lessons - you wanted to do it for him as a favour but it’s actually messing up your working day too much.

Doesn’t need to be a big deal in the context of an otherwise relationship does it?

@Treesinthewind
Absolutely this. My partner has perfect English, but says that the moment people realise he’s from Pakistan, subtle racism kicks in. Maybe that’s true, I don't know.
But somehow that has evolved into me being in charge of flat hunting, booking driving lessons, organising cleaners, holidays, sorting Airbnbs, the lot.
It makes me feel useful and important, which I can admit is part of the appeal. But I also know it’s veering into co-dependence. Then I feel guilty if I don’t do it, because I picture him totally overworked at the hospital, getting more and more exhausted (which is true).
It’s just a bit much

How does he respond if you say you can’t do these tasks for him?

He would say ok and probably handle it. I think it's a me problem.

Tell him you've been thinking about it and realised you're fretting too much. Let him know he can get a virtual assistant to do this sort of thing.

@Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff Yeah, that’s a good idea. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I always start off being overly generous, jumping in to help with everything, and then inevitably hit a wall of resentment and want to backpedal. It’s like I don’t realise I’ve overextended myself until I’m already seething!
Now wondering if this is another sneaky iteration of ADHD, masked as helpfulness but really just poor boundaries and impulsive people pleasing in disguise :) :) Oh the joys!

It's very true, my husband is foreign and in the past when applying for jobs he's had more interest using my maiden (British) name or using me as a PA. I've been a Brit working abroad and have felt an amount of animosity myself for being foreign so can understand it.

Don't know what his deal is. But I sometimes ask my partner to talk to tradesmen/mechanics etc for quotes because they talk to him differently as a white bloke than to me as a brown woman. I get talked down to often and they try to overcharge me

Could it be that he really thinks that as a woman, you should be doing the ‘life admin’?

@Lucyccfc68 I don't think so, he is just rushed off his feet all day and some things really require do require a phone call rather than an email. But I hate doing it. Does that make me a wanker? I do it, but then get resentful. Then I hate myself.

@Buzzybee25 I can well imagine that depressingly. Talking to white tradesmen is fucking awful unless you're a white man

No it doesn’t make you a wanker. Sounds like you are a ‘people pleaser’. Time to start thinking about your own well-being and say no.

If he is a Doctor, he is clearly an intelligent chap, so he can work out how to do some of this life admin himself.