AIBU to think that a 16yo shouldn’t have screentime enforced?

[MrsBellamy]

I am looking for advice because DH and I are at an impasse.

DS is 16yo, currently his phone switches to screentime and blocks use at 10:30pm up until now, DH and I have removed phones at this time and charged them in our bedroom.

DS feels that as he is now 16 he should be allowed to keep his phone at night with no screentime limit.

I tend to agree with this, because I feel that DS should be responsible enough to manage his time and sleep schedule and if I found that he was up all night and struggling to wake for school I would bring screentime back.

DH feels that this is too much freedom and that his screentime should still be enforced but at midnight now instead of 10:30

AIBU or DH?

I stopped screen time restrictions after exams (I assume that your ds is currently sitting his GCSEs)

In Scotland, so Nat 5s his last exam was yesterday hence today’s arguments

Are you secretly the 16yo?

I'm 33 and I still need something to prompt me when my recreational screen time is too high!

I think midnight with your DH is more than reasonable.

I think it depends on your 16 year old but if yours is a generally trustworthy one who won’t be tempted into staying up all night or watching inappropriate content then I don’t see the need for restrictions to continue.

Always best to slowly bring down the boundaries so he doesn’t turn 18 and suddenly have the ability to do everything and it’s such a huge novelty having been banned for so long that it gets out of hand and there’s not a thing you can do about it!

Show him you trust him (if you do!) and he will likely repay that respect and trust by wanting to be trustworthy and behaving responsibly.

Depends on the 16 year old. My nephews (twins) are 18 now but at 16 one would have had no issues having unregulated phone access but the other would have been on it all night at the expense of sleep and probably pretty much everything else.

No. He's 15 now, but when my son is 16 there will still be limits.

It might be fairer if you all take your phones out bedroom at this time and put them on the landing or spare room or whatever.

They might feel a bit resentful as a young adult if their parents are being hypocritical in that respect. If you feel it’s beneficial for him then it will also be beneficial for you as parents.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing. My DS 13 would 100% stay up till the early hours if his phone didn’t shut off at bedtime.

Ds is 17. He has screens off at 10pm during the week because otherwise he is on them until tired, and then too tired to have a shower, or takes forever to have a shower so is really late to bed.

We will take them off after his A-levels (he's 18 part way through).
He admitted the other day that most of his friends have similar restrictions.

I do trust him, he’s pretty mature, has studied hard for his exams and I have had compliments from people outwith family that he is very polite and mature.

responses so far have been really interesting, I’m now curious if it makes a difference to say that DH is not DS dad, but stepdad, I didn’t initially include that in case it influenced the responses.

we have 3 children living with us full time DS16 DSD15 and DD13

I can’t help but think that if DS and DSD were both 16 then DH might have a different stance on this. We have now been arguing about it all day via text and judging from the responses so far, it seems that I may be the one in the wrong.

I offered as a compromise to take the screen time away for a trial period and check how it affects sleep, and how easy it is to get DS up for school etc then if it needs to be brought back it can, but DH sees this as me getting my way rather than a compromise.

At some point you need to loosen the apron strings. In 2 year he will be an adult and you really cant tell an 18 year old what to do (I know I will get some moaners saying my house my rules, which yes, dont be a dick in my house, dont have parties, ask if you want your girlfriend staying over, general politeness) but monitoring screen time, they need to learn to regulate themselves. Its school holidays I assume for him now so where is the harm?

@MrsBellamy you could try no screen limits at the weekend (fri/sat night) and midnight in the week

I had a laptop at 16 and was allowed it in my room but my mum turned the wifi off when she went to bed, so I could play the sims all night if I so desired, but I couldn't spend all night online

Can you operate a school time /holiday time pattern.

My 15 year old is allowed until 9.30 in school days and 10.30 on holidays.

My older one doesn't have restrictions because he self restricts fine, but until his gcses were done he did have the same 9.30

When I was 17 I fluffed up my A-levels because I was regularly up until 2am on my laptop in my room and completely done in at school the next day. I'd never had a laptop or internet before (it was all fairly new back then) and it was too much temptation for me to self-regulate at that age. I think a midnight cut off would have really helped me get a good routine before uni, and been very fair, since really I shouldn't have been up past midnight anyway.

I think at 16 DS had screen time blocked from midnight until 8am except during school holidays. Ultimately it depends on the teenager: mine is neurodivergent and needed that to ensure he actually got some sleep and was in a fit state to go to school, as he could easily go down a rabbit hole researching something that he found interesting at 10pm and still be at it at 3am.

I found he underrated how much he still needed to sleep, so this was much needed.

We already do have no screentime on Friday and Saturday nights for all the kids, and operate holiday/term time schedule.

he will be back at school next week for 4 weeks, where he will start the S5 timetable (they have a month of the next year up before holidays here)

judging from the majority here it seems like DH is the winner of this one. Continue with midnight and no screentime during holidays and weekends.

I stopped taking DS's phone away when he turned 16. I was thinking about waiting until after the exams were over, but he's generally sensible and I used to read until 1 am sometimes at that age. So it's not just screens that can be an issue. It's just generally being sensible. I don't believe that my DS is on his phone after he goes to bed, and I could always take it away again if thought it was an issue.

XH makes the DC go to bed quite early at his house. I think so he can spend alone time with his partner. I can see DS becoming resentful at still being treated like a child over bedtime there and it made me think a lot about giving him enough independence to work out sensible choices for himself and also building trust between us so that he'll come to me with any problems. Not that I think there's direct correlation between screen time and him being open with me, but I do think all these things interact and play off each other.

My own parents were suspicious of everything and really strict and I didn't talk to them about anything meaningful.

Not sure if I'm likely to make the same choices with my younger DD, because she's much less able to manage time, put her phone down, go to bed without prompting... So it does depend on the child.

If exams are over for your DS then I don't see anything wrong with relaxing the rules over the summer. You can say that it's up for review and dependent on reasonable use when he goes back to school. And if you're paying the bill then I'd say that gives you the option of taking back the phone at bedtime if you don't feel that useless is reasonable.

We can't manage everything for our DC forever. We have to support them to become independent.

I heard this great quote once “hearing the word ‘no’ rescues children from the tyranny of their own desires “ and it really helped me with parenting 3 DCs.

We have a responsibility to parent and then to know when it’s appropriate to let go and let them learn to self regulate (screens, money, all sorts of situations)

But I think all kids are different and some need more help than others to do this.

None of the parents I know in real life are anything like as strict / obsessive / terrified about 'screens' as Mumsnet seems to be, certainly not when it comes to teenagers.

I think it's pretty infantilising to be setting screen time limits for a 16-year-old. I think there comes a point where teenagers have to learn to regulate their own behaviour and make their own choices (and mistakes) rather than having mummy and daddy do it for them.

Try over the summer holidays and it becomes permanent if he shows responsibility ?

If you are expecting DS to police his own phone usage then you might as well stick to the 10:30 thing or a bit later if you choose.

BTW, he won't police his own use.

my DC never had any restrictions, as wasn’t needed but at 16, yes they need to learn to manage it themselves.

DD has been self regulating since she was about 13… I can’t imagine still telling a 16 year old what to do.

Phones are completely addictive and we all need saving from them. He is still developing, especially his brain, and he still needs to study and find employment etc. Sometimes I think it's a relief to not have access to my phone.

We found 15 / 16 was still a vulnerable time and there was no ability to regulate in our child. I can see 17th birthday approaching and a few months after this we will have to step back further. For now there are still limits.