Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that my divorce is almost final when it was me who filed?

13 replies

fortygin · 27/05/2025 23:54

Hi, so long story short, I filed for divorce after my husband of 15 years (together 25 years, since we were 15 and 16) had a year long affair.
We have 4 dc (20, 18, 17 and 13) and separated 7 years ago.
He is still with the person he cheated with and I also have a new partner.
I decided I needed to file as I am almost 48 and needed to be able to get a mortgage to buy him out of the family home (I’ve been paying mortgage myself for 7years) and get some closure.
it’s taken a year so far and we are weeks away from decree absolute. I’ve been good most of the way and celebrated the wins like getting the mortgage and coming to a financial agreement.
Problem is now we’re at the end, I can’t stop crying. I’m still romanticising the relationship and feel like he was my soulmate. He has made his interest in having sex with me clear but I’m not interested in going backwards.
My Best friend has told me it’s ok to be sad and recognise my feelings but aibu to, considering I filed for divorce but I’m not sure what other option I had?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 28/05/2025 04:08

It’s always sad when a 25 year long relationship comes to an end and easy to romanticise the good times, to say nothing of the fact that you produced four children together. You’ve been apart, though, for seven years, and you’ve both moved on. By all means mourn the end of your marriage - but be reasonable about it: it’s not very kind to your new partner, describing your unfaithful ex as your “soulmate”, and saying that your ex is still interested in having sex with you (may I remind you again about his infidelity?). It’s all well and good to be nostalgic about what you once had, but you’ve both moved on, so stop fantasising and making your marriage into something it never was, and concentrate on your life with your new partner - with whom you might reasonably also expect to have 25 years together.

jeaux90 · 28/05/2025 05:39

Euuuwww so he’s still a cheating asshole then. Dodge the second bullet OP.

HomeTheatreSystem · 28/05/2025 05:46

It's probably a bit like a relative who's been ill for a long time, finally dying. You know it's coming but it still hits hard. You didn't make a mistake as he's still with the OW and yet has propositioned you! Lucky her, eh?! Keep your sights firmly on the future OP.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2025 05:57

I think when you have been together man and girl so to speak, it's very hard , all your life is there from a teenager with memories of being young together, having DC.All reasonable expectations of a future. These feelings are natural I think.people move on.give yourself time to grieve your marriage. Have a few days Away, if u can on your own.or have a nice treat some nice food wine . Good book or film

Original poster
fortygin · 28/05/2025 07:07

Thank you all for the reality check. He’s good at manipulating me and keeping me dangling. I can do this! Today is a new day!

OP posts:
Endofyear · 28/05/2025 07:35

I think it's only natural to grieve for the your marriage ending. It doesn't mean that you have done the wrong thing, but it's ok to feel sad. Just allow yourself to feel how feel and cry if you need to. Give yourself time.

PorgyandBess · 28/05/2025 07:38

I think you’d benefit from counselling. Allow yourself to feel sad. It was a massive part of your life and you have children together. No one takes pleasure in a failed marriage but counselling can help you accept it.

BobbleHatsRule · 28/05/2025 07:45

A first love, a long relationship, father of your children....of course you are grieving the loss. The paperwork is closing off this period of your life and you are having to accept the loss of your hopes. Not going through with it wouldn't reignite your hopes. You'd just have to face them and be 'stuck' again.

Lighteningstrikes · 28/05/2025 08:21

So at the time, he cheated on you, your 4 kids were very young and even now 7 years later with the OW, he’s keen to have sex with you😔

You’re an amazing woman to have done so well and I’m not underestimating how hard that must have been.

You will be ok and you will dry your eyes when only you are ready to.

I wish you lots of luck, success and happiness 💐

toomuchfaff · 28/05/2025 10:50

sesquipedalian · 28/05/2025 04:08

It’s always sad when a 25 year long relationship comes to an end and easy to romanticise the good times, to say nothing of the fact that you produced four children together. You’ve been apart, though, for seven years, and you’ve both moved on. By all means mourn the end of your marriage - but be reasonable about it: it’s not very kind to your new partner, describing your unfaithful ex as your “soulmate”, and saying that your ex is still interested in having sex with you (may I remind you again about his infidelity?). It’s all well and good to be nostalgic about what you once had, but you’ve both moved on, so stop fantasising and making your marriage into something it never was, and concentrate on your life with your new partner - with whom you might reasonably also expect to have 25 years together.

This is a wonderful answer.

Grieve the end of your marriage, it didn't end the way you always hoped it would, that deserves acknowledment to heal, it wasn't the sunset you wanted and dreamt of your whole life.

But don't romanticise the relationship... or him for that matter - the cheating prick dirtbag scum rat.. he stole your sunset, His actions, make sure you keep some venom for him until your brain rewires, you're not holding onto hate (thats bad) - you're just making sure your brain remembers why you didn't get the sunset...

DarthSaver · 28/05/2025 12:17

Echoing others to say, it's completely understandable- and normal- that you're grieving the end of such a big chapter of your life. The divorce going through will have brought all of this to the surface.

Would it be helpful to do something to mark the occasion? Either to celebrate, if you think that would help you reframe it, or just to acknowledge it and put it behind you.

You could take a day off work and do something you really enjoy, have a slap up meal with your partner or a group of friends, treat yourself to a little memento or piece of jewellery as a "well done" for getting through what was probably a very difficult time a few years ago. Or if you feel you need to mourn, have a quiet day- light a candle and say goodbye to the relationship- maybe look through some photos and remember the good times. But remember your far far better off now!

Just some ideas

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 28/05/2025 13:11

I got divorced back when you had to go to the court to get your decree absolute. You might still have to? Or is it all electronic/postal these days?!
Anyhow, I stood there at the desk and cried so much I couldn't actually get the words out. It hadn't hit me until then. Be kind to yourself and grieve your marriage and the future you thought you would have. You're definitely better off without him but it is like a bereavement. Thoughts coming your way.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/05/2025 13:38

Thank you all. I’ve already been to court for the decree nisi and I cried through that. I’m totally romanticising the relationship and am also angry that the OW has won him (even though he’s not faithful to her). I know I’m not being fair to my new partner, he knows everything as i don’t want him to feel that I’m keeping secrets and he feels like I have an ‘addiction to my old life’.
I have a lot to be thankful for and have over quadrupled my wage and have been a great mum to my dc since he left and am in a lot better position than I was then.
I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page