AIBU to be annoyed friend keeps cancelling on me!

[Laurengraces]

Im part of a small group of friends, we've known each other since school and meet regularly, for the last few months one friend keeps cancelling on plans so we then rearrange for a new date to suit her, she's cancelled a few times and when we do meet she always drives, so she doesn't drink and leaves early. We all have young kids and work but try to make the time, its more annoying as she does meet up with ones from her work for boozy nights/bottomless brunch etc. just feels disheartening she doesn't really make the effort and its impacting on the rest of the groups meet ups. Should I say something? She would say we're her best friends etc and ive rearranged things to suit her a few times

Stop rearranging. Organise something. She comes...yay, she can't? Meh.

Either she comes or she doesn't but stop rearranging your plans.

It's usually her cancelling in the WhatsApp and suggesting a new date, everyone us happy to go with the flow a bit but its starting to grate on me. Thinking of suggesting something with pre paid tickets so if she cancels it'll still go ahead

What the other posters have said….’shame you can’t join us, hopefully we’ll see you next time’ then carry on with your plans.

Then everyone just says ‘Let’s stick with the original date’.

No don't make it complicated with a prepaid ticket.

As long as you're doing things she could in theory attend (so not on work days or anything she couldn't access), start arranging meetups and not rearranging if she cancels. Let her join if she can, and not if she can't. Don't let her dictate the running of the group. She'll learn she's using up goodwill and either arrange her diary better or manage your expectations better. Both much better manners

Stop rearranging. That is the answer.

Its usually something like "guys I cant go my DD is sick, should we rearrange? Happy to book somewhere next week" and someone usually writes in "yes no problem, hope DD is ok!" Then i feel like a dick saying "no we'll go on without you" its a small group and we dont often meet up without the rest so feel some people would just rather wait till we can call go. Plus we all have young kids so nights off are rare

Well, your choices are either continuing to be annoyed that she cancels, then goes home early when she does attend, or to speak up.

Why don’t you arrange a catch up by saying “Who wants to join me for a drink/meal at X on Saturday” or similar? Then if she cancels last minute and tries to rearrange say you hope her daughter feels better soon and you’re happy to rearrange, but you’ll still be going to the event you’ve planned and hope that some of the others can still make it so you’re not sitting there on your own! Add an lol or another emoji to keep it light if needed.

If there are a few of you I don't see why you'd rearrange repeatedly. I had a group with two other friends and one of them repeatedly cancelled on the day but I still met up with the other one.

In that instance I would say something like
“Sorry to hear about DD! Completely understand that you need to be with her. Since it’s been a while since we were able to get together, I think we’ll still go ahead with our brunch/catch-up and hopefully you can join us next time. Hope DD feels better soon xx”

This. It's clear she's not fussed so stop rearranging everything to suit her- go on without her.

Well it's up to you. If a group members child is ill and you're happy to rearrange, do that. If it's a series of excuses from her draw your line where you choose. I had a friend who would burn through friendships as she would always make a solid excuse (no serious life issues, just a bit of a drama queen. Good at getting the excuses in if she had changed her mind about a plan) and the crying wolf pushed people away. I would push back. If she can't make it, it's ok. I think you're doing her a favour rather than letting resentment build.

Only thing is, is she the only single mum or one whose child is disabled or something like that? I would make allowances for that.

I wouldn’t have the nerve to announce I can’t make something, so shall we rearrange, unless it was a 1-1 meeting! If I have ever had to miss something, I always wish the rest of the group a nice time, and leave it up to them to decide if they want to move it or I just see them on another occasion

Yes stop re arranging. I find its same ones that do it. My sister was doing a school reunion date changed 3 times says she bow out soon. I find Im better one to one now as people kept cancelling. Got tired of being the planner too.

Definitely stop re-arranging. If she says she can't make it then just say 'that's a shame we'll let you know the next date and venue as usual.' Then meet up as planned.

Agree with everyone else. Ideally can you message one of the others first to see what they feel otherwise you might look like the bitch if they all agree to rearrange before you can get in there. It would be unlucky if you decided to make a stand when something else had come up for one of them so when she sees the message thinks "actually rearranging would be better for me too".

But yeah other than that a breezy "oh, I'm really busy the next few weeks, I made sure to keep this day free because its been so long since we've seen each other, I don't think I can make a new date anytime soon. I'm happy to still go today, what do you think sue and jane?"

You reply

"Ah sorry you can't make it, hope DD is okay? I'm looking forward to it so don't want to cancel tonight but will arrange another meet-up when you're able to come x"