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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to get go

9 replies

citygirl1961 · 27/05/2025 20:50

Hi, this is a long story but I’ll try and make it short.

How do you let go of someone you’ve wanted for years? I’ve know this man for forty years now. Since we split up in the mid eighties I got married and divorced for a second time. We met up again. He was in a relationship, that broke up after a few years, we were both free but he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship even though he’d got feelings for me. Time went on and nothing happened so I met someone else. He was upset about this and felt I had betrayed him. I told him that it was him who had rejected me but he said I had pushed him away.
So we remained friends, though it did sometimes go further than that once my relationship broke up. And then he met someone else, giving the reason that I had pushed him away for someone else. I was very upset and told him he was being hyprocritcal. This was ten years ago. We have stayed friends and meet up for a meal now and again. He is still with this woman. He tells me he has got feelings for me but is wary of breaking up with her in case it doesn’t work out with me. He hints all the time about it going further with me and we never know what could happen. He goes on holidays with her and is currently on a cruise with her and a photo of them all dressed up on the ship has popped up on Facebook with gushing comments from people and her saying that they are now looking for another cruise.

I am independent and can hold my own but I am nearly sixty four and have had enough of these games. I am not asking him to marry me or even live with me, just being treated as his partner would suffice. He doesn’t live with this woman by the way, he’s never lived with anyone.

How can I either keep him as friend and think no more of it or let it all go completely. I’m not acting like a love sick teenager by the way, these are genuine feelings.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 27/05/2025 20:52

He tells me he has got feelings for me but is wary of breaking up with her in case it doesn’t work out with me. He hints all the time about it going further with me and we never know what could happen. He goes on holidays with her and is currently on a cruise with her and a photo of them all dressed up on the ship has popped up on Facebook with gushing comments from people and her saying that they are now looking for another cruise.

read this back to yourself - really read it

you’re his second choice - his plan B just in case
he’s stringing you along and you keep doing it

he will never be the partner you want or need

ZippyPeer · 27/05/2025 20:56

Why do you think you are keeping this relationship (however you would define it) going?

on the face of it you should have walked away years ago, but you haven't. And probably people who know you have advised you to move on, but for some reason you haven't...

Krakinou · 27/05/2025 20:57

He’s not a friend. He’s been stringing you along for years and being disloyal to his partner as well. He knows he’s hurting you and he’s too selfish to stop. Friends don’t treat you like that.

stayathomegardener · 27/05/2025 21:03

I think it’s perhaps telling he’s in his 60’s and has never lived with anyone before.

I suspect he is a lost cause to you and you are held back by this imagined connection.

FutureCatMum · 27/05/2025 21:49

He’s got you as a backup plan and has been stringing you along for years. It’ll never happen. Move on and stop him having this hold over you.
He’s in a relationship with someone else and speaking to you like this! If you become the partner, he’ll find someone else to replace your role now. Do you really want someone who behaves like this?

Endofyear · 27/05/2025 22:14

If he wanted to be in a proper relationship with you, he would be. The only way you will get over him once and for all is to cut him out of your life. He is not your friend. He is stringing you along as a plan B. Don't let this situation continue. Stop seeing him and having contact with him and move on with your life.

Eenameenadeeka · 27/05/2025 22:18

It's been forty years, and he's had plenty of opportunity. He's just not that into you, sorry. Stop wasting time on him and find someone who will put you first.

citygirl1961 · 28/05/2025 17:57

Thanks for yourr replies. I understand what you are saying and it is how I feel myself but its hard to let go completely, even as a friend after forty years.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 28/05/2025 18:06

You need to stop this game. You've wasted too much time thinking about person. He's set you up as second best. IF he wanted you - he'd have made it happen.

Don't waste more years. Yes you'll miss him but get living and having fun. This is not the "big love" of your life.

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