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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask how to deal with controlling, lying exH?

8 replies

Stressymadre · 27/05/2025 19:50

Going to try and cut a very long story short! Been separated from my exH for approaching 6 years. I divorced him - he cheated multiple times. It took us until a year ago to actually get divorced as he put blocks in the way at every opportunity and he was trying to screw me over financially - for example he would turn up to mediation having prepared nothing and waste the whole time. He did this until I ran out of money and was in debt and could afford no more and I eventually signed the family home over to him as the stress was making me ill and I was worried I'd lose my job :(. He runs his own limited company (he is the only employee though so this a front to avoid the IR35 regs and means he pays less tax) and this caused issues as he lied about his actual income throughout the divorce. He earns a HUGE amount (I know his day rate) and he eventually he agreed to pay child maintenance at the agreed government minimum level, for a percentage of his actual day rate salary and this was put in the court order. This court expires in two weeks and this morning he told me that he will not be paying this anymore.
I said I will go via CMS but he knows they only care about his declared income (he spends money directly from his company so he can pay himself less). He has offered to pay a level lower than the amount he should be, even for his supposed, declared income and has said if I challenge it, he will reduce his salary. He has actively stated he will be working to reduce his salary as much as possible over the coming months (I know he has recently added his GF to the company so I assume he plans to pay her, so that he can not pay himself much). So what do I do? Do I go to CMS and accept he will just lower his income even more? Do I let him get away with it and accept he will pay less than one day's pay a month for his two kids that live with me (he sees them one night a week and EOW)? I fell trapped and once again, this nasty bastard is controlling my life. It just feels so unfair.

OP posts:
BB333 · 27/05/2025 20:10

So sorry you’re going through this. I’ve got a nasty ex H too. Vile.
Dont hold your breath that CMS will work magic, they’re useless. Worst than useless. Ex H owes 30k in arrears, hasn’t paid in 8 years. Might sometimes get the odd £50 here and there from him which stops all enforcement happening from cms. And then it all starts again which takes months and months.
I know it’s hard but cms should be your last resort, try and come to an agreement with him.
i will also add that he’ll always play silly buggers with money so that he has some control over you. Hold your head high and know that when your children are old enough they will know the truth about how he treated you.

Endofyear · 27/05/2025 20:59

You can go the CMS route and accept that he will do all he can to pay as little as possible. It's infuriating but at least he will have no control over you. How old are your kids? If they are older, they will definitely see his behaviour for what it is - I don't think many adult children have respect for a parent who withholds child maintenance.

GardenGaff · 27/05/2025 21:02

I would take the CMS route, accept that you’ll get a pittance, and have zero or as little contact with him as needed, purely so he has no further control over you wrt money. Also it will stymie his declared earnings potential for years (depending on your kids age).

Holiday24 · 27/05/2025 21:04

I would go the CMS route too. At least it is one less thing then for you to negotiate with him about directly.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/05/2025 21:05

It really is scandalous that the CMS is allowed to be so shit.

babyproblems · 27/05/2025 21:13

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/05/2025 21:05

It really is scandalous that the CMS is allowed to be so shit.

10000% this.

It’s an outrage and one day it will be seen as a huge historical scandal I’m sure of it.

I would cut all contact with him, I would go CMS route and I would send them all evidence of him lying about his income. I would not encourage a relationship with the child given how little he cares for their wellbeing or existence. His character is not one I would want to expose my growing child to. What a waste of a human being. Well done for staying sane. X

harijes · 27/05/2025 21:14

I would move this to legal or financial. HMRC, unlike CMS are fairly on it.

report to them and substantiate the hidden income claims. Hit him where it hurts most for now.

the huge issue is, he, like many, could just stop working in order to pay nothing. Then what.

Are you in England? I think legal may be more helpful.

Stressymadre · 27/05/2025 21:19

Thanks everyone. To answer a few questions, yes I'm in England. Kids are late primary and secondary age. I am tempted to report to HMRC but a bit scared of the repercussions if he knows it's me

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