Looking for some advice or perspective

[Trentie]

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but lately I’ve started wondering. Since I was young, I’ve felt this deep emptiness — like there’s a void where others seem to find joy or meaning. I self-harmed between the ages of 13 and 24, and while I’ve stopped, that numb, restless feeling has never really gone away.

In the past few years, its felt even heavier. I work almost full time and care for a child with profound special needs along my other children. I’m constantly mentally exhausted. The hobbies I used to enjoy have fallen away because I can’t seem to find the energy to do them, it feels like wading through treacle at time and even the most simple thing feel like they’re draining, and I feel like I’m just drifting through life. I work remotely, which helps me just about keep going, but I often feel broken and hopeless. My sex drive has vanished, I’ve put on weight and life just feels… pointless. These feeling aren’t new, they just seem more present than they did before the kids were born.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for exactly — maybe to hear from others who’ve felt the same, or any thoughts on what this could be.

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. I think you should tell your GP what you've written here and say that you think you might be depressed. Exhaustion, loss of joy in things that used to make you happy, lack of motivation and low sex drive can all be symptoms.

Anti depressants can really help, especially in terms of giving you the energy and focus to engage with therapy.

Also it's particularly hard with a special needs child; I was quite resistant to seeking antidepressants at first because I knew the problem was in part my very typical response to an external, stressful, genuinely difficult situation. But they did help me.

You sound like you are overwhelmed, and this will affect how we feel. I know it might feel hard but making time for self-care is very important when you are feeling like this. I work in mental health and support people who feel like this. Self-care is the foundation of mental health, this means trying to get enough sleep, eating healthy meals regularly, getting exercise, do an activity you used to enjoy and have contact with friends. Having a break from your responsibilities, even for a small amount of time where you do something that distracts you from your thoughts might help. Speak to your GP and see what they advise as anti depressants can help to stabilise moods but it's the thing you do differently to cope with your life that will have the biggest impact.

Thank you both. I do feel exhausted. I think carrying the mental load, the kids, keeping the home fires burning and balancing it with work have just left me really exhausted. I’ve made two appointments with the gp and cancelled both just because I’m so awful at talking about how I feel but maybe anti depressants would help a bit.