Not Again

[Unbelievable2025]

I name changed for this. I’m at my wits end and feel a lot anxiety. So our parents passed at a young age and I have always looked out for my younger sister. A few years ago she unexpectedly got pregnant with a man who said he was separated but was not. He was with her in the early days of the childs life but didn’t help out, expected to be waited on like a king and finally left to live in another country when child was 2. My sister really struggled, as he didn’t contribute after he left (3 years ago). So he got into contact a few months ago and is now back on the scene and just like that she is pregnant again. I mean he is only back a few months and she is already pregnant. I should have mentioned that he had another child with his wife after he split from my sister. I have experienced infertility for years and was trying for my second. I’m trying to not let that influence me. My sister (37) clearly thinks it is influencing me. I am horrible I know but I am thinking of distancing myself from my sister. How can anyone be this stupid? I had it out with her today and her only answer was I know but I’m still pregnant. I can’t watch it play out again. He will leave her high and dry again.

That’s her silly mistake to repeat.
Leave her to deal with it herself.

What does not watching it play out mean in reality? Are you going to cut contact with your sister and niece? Who will be most hurt by that?

It means not help out financially or practically when he leaves. Tough love. Might make better decisions in the future.

Just leave her to deal with her irresponsible mistakes. There is just no helping some women, they invite problems into their lives. She needs to figure this out on her own.

Shes made a mistake but she’s still your sister, maybe she was lonely and vulnerable? Maybe he fed her a load of lies, maybe she was just naive, don’t spoil your relationship with her over a man, family’s worth more than that 🤞

You just need to take a big step back, she's a grown adult and needs to live with her (terrible) choices, so when he does a bunk again she's on her own two feet, not coming to you for childcare or money.

You can still see her, have a relationship with her, but you're not her safety net again

Be around but definitely don't step in with childcare or financial aid. She's made an informed choice after knowing how it ended for her and her child the first time.

Not helping out financially is one thing; distancing yourself from her is another. It’s quite possible that your sister will need your support. You are allowed to feel (and indeed say to her) that she has made unwise choices: it’s not OK to be jealous of your sister because of your own issues over getting pregnant. If this waste of space of a man leaves your sister high and dry again, as you think he will, are you really going to leave her without even a shoulder to cry on? I agree she’s been stupid, but it sounds as though you are quite close as sisters, and you don’t get that relationship with anyone else. I hope you manage to resolve your differences - and good luck with the fertility issues.

@sesquipedalian Thanks for advice. I really hate the man. He really broke her the last time and took away her confidence. I can see it happening again. He is putting her in a vulnerable position. Just got her a new puppy and now she pregnant, also a 5 yr old. Loading her up with responsibility just to feck off when things get tough. I hate watching knowing how it will end. She will not see it that way. Prob just thinks I’m jealous.

Well she clearly wanted a second child with the same dad ,not unusual.
She already has a home I expect,so it's not surprising really, especially as she wasn't in a relationship at the time with anyone else.
The children will be full siblings,and you will be an auntie again.
It's her life , her decisions.
Why do you think you know what's best for her
I can't imagine the baby was an accident,

@Summerpug6 It was unplanned. She has her own home but not well
off financially. Would you really condone getting pregnant with a man who fecked off the first time?

It means not help out financially or practically when he leaves. Tough love. Might make better decisions in the future.

I think that's perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't go NC because of your niece but it's fine to not get involved on a daily basis and that doesn't make you a horrible person at all. Most sisters aren't as involved in each others lives to the extent that you two appear to be. At 37 she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her children and her decisions.

I have experienced infertility for years and was trying for my second. I’m trying to not let that influence me.

Two things can be happening at the same time - you are expasperated with her decisions/situation, and you are jealous at how easily she becomes pregnant.

Try and unpack those feelings OP. YOu can't change what has happened, but look to the long years ahead. Do you really want to cut your sister off?

And if you do want to "distance yourself" from your sister, is it really because she's having the second child you long for?

Take a step back. This is her life and hers to sort out. Don't help out financially or practically - let her get on with it. Concentrate on your own family.

This is about you setting boundaries and her understanding that. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and make mistakes whilst you can be supportive by ear but also have your own boundaries in place i.e. not sorting out her money problems, not commenting about her ex etc. Deep down she knows how awful he is.

Just be a listening ear and get her some counselling sounds like she’s going to need it and help with rebuilding her self-esteem.

@Unbelievable2025 I cannot think why a women would not block someone and move house so ex cannot find them a few years down the line???? surely she knew he just wanted an easy lay??? as for financing her, that would be a never again scenario. she has made her bed yet again but this time it is up to her, not you!!