AIBU to blame my parents?

[ToAlwaysWonder]

My parents constantly argued and had fights. It wasn’t every day but at least twice a month and sometimes more. Big arguments would see things being thrown, injuries inflicted and lots of swearing me and my sister witnessed most of this. My mum threw my Dad out three times that I remember and he kicked the door down. When me or my sister would misbehave as a punishment we’d get ignored and told although we were loved we were not liked for the wrong choices we made. I remember crying myself to sleep on several occasions. My parents also had different rules and didnt parent together and there was definitely no respect between them. This is just a snapshot of what my childhood was like.

All this being said we had lots of happy memories too, lots of holidays, lots of days out, Christmas and birthday we were always spoilt. Parents were not short of money so both mine and sister university degrees and first cars were paid for.

I don’t see one of my parents now as this relationship was so toxic. I live an hour away from my mum. My Dad was toxic and I feel my mum should have protected us more and I am still angry at her for this. My mum doesn’t see how bad the damage is, talking to her about this would only hurt her and I can’t face doing this my sister also doesn’t want to relive it all.

I have just turned 30. I see all my friends getting married and having kids and I’m still single and children as is my sister. We both struggle to keep relationships, have issues trusting people and can’t maintain friendships. We both blame our childhood but then I question if it was that bad? Could that have caused our personalities? Are we possibly autistic and that is why we struggle socially?

So my AIBU is, am I being unreasonable to think my childhood has impacted me this much?

How do we stop the resentment towards our mother?

That sounds horrendous @ToAlwaysWonder. I’m not surprised that you struggle with relationships and find it hard to trust people. I can certainly relate to your experience as mine was very similar. The thing that helped me most was therapy. It helped me to process my experiences and took away the rawness of the anger and resentment. I never did get married or have children, which is a source of regret but I’ve found peace and have a fulfilling life with meaningful work and close relationships with family and friends. My parents are long dead now. I found a degree of forgiveness before they died because I understood that their early lives were dysfunctional and traumatic and perhaps they did the best they could. I hope you find peace.

YANBU for thinking that your childhood has impacted you, but only you can change your mindset going forward. Maybe therapy would help

As an adult you have choice about how you now deal with issues from childhood. I’m not sure what good it does to blame your parents in terms of your healing and recovery. It’s perfectly reasonable to recognise you have stuff in childhood that has impacted you, and to take steps to address that through therapy or self help work.

Was your mum abused or was it actually arguments? I only ask because I used to talk about 'fights' in my childhood but it wasn't until I was much older that I realised my mum was in a physically abusive relationship and was able to start working through my resentment towards her for not protecting us. I'm not there tbh.

It's normal for our childhood to impact us and you may be reaching a place where you're ready to confront it in which case either think the most obviously step would be therapy.

YANBU to recognise the impact your childhood had on you. You can’t be held responsible for your childhood.
But, and I say this kindly, at your age you and only you are fully responsible for how you deal with the effects of that now, and heal from it as an adult.
It is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and you need professional help to do it properly.
I’ve been there, done it and still having to do it during challenging times. It is worth it in the long run.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I genuinely think blame doesn't help. How your parents were will definitely have had an impact on how you seee the world and approach relationships, without a doubt. That said, it's up to you to fix it.

You should be aware that the fact that your mother won't talk about it or acknowledge her role is likely causing more damage. If someone who should love and protect you doesn't do that, it teaches you the wrong things about what you're worth. If they continue to deny your feelings and refuse to talk about it, that lesson is compounded, over and over. You have every right to want to talk about it and to have her at least consider the impact on you. Continuing to deny it reinforces the idea that you're not worth that effort. You are.

It is so hard to build yourself back up and make the life you want. I'm in no way past it all at almost 40 but things that have helped are.....

I have made a conscious decision to just not think about a lot of it.

If do think about my childhood I try to take it out of the parent/child dynamic and think about how I would deal with these things now, what I would and would not tolerate now etc. I find that very empowering because I'm not that child anymore and I can choose the life that I want.

Accept that they are human, unfortunately you're the collateral damage in their story but you don't have to stay engaged with their story. You're in your story now.

I still have bad days where I feel angry but most of the time I feel sorry for them now.

Good luck, OP.

This is actually really good advice. The part I’m struggling with the most is letting go of the resentment I feel that me and my sister don’t have “normal adult lives.”

I really like your advice, thank you.

Resentment is pointless in that it doesn’t help you move forward. I’d also, gently, say that while our childhood can have a significant impact in adulthood, it’s not the only thing that predicates a “normal” adult life - your choices as adults impact you too. You can’t change the past, you can challenge the unhelpful thoughts, behaviours and patterns you’re living with now and I’d argue once we’re aware of them, we have a responsibility to try and address them.

You just have to try and forgive them for not knowing any better , for your sake, rather than for theirs. Carrying around resentment is not healthy and unproductive. It's like drinking poison and wishing another person would die.
Also with respect most people living so called normal lives are not the happiest.
Just concentrate on what you already have in your life and build from that.
My life at times has been the furthest away from normal due to one thing or another.
But l wouldn't change it. I like the fact I'm a bit different, my life is different, I've had different experiences.
The most successful people in life are the ones that can adapt.

My Nana (who is the only reason I survived my childhood with drug addled violent parents) said to me when I was in my teens "You cannot change what you went through as a child, you were a kid so weren't in charge, but you are in charge of your life now as an adult. So you choose how you deal with it"

I had therapy and it was very very valuable and is the reason I now have a good life with DH and the kids.

It's totally understandable to be impacted by your childhood. It would be unusual if it didn't impact you. But you can, with help, stop it negatively impacting your future.

Another vote for therapy here. It'll be the best money you ever spend on your health/happiness

Whilst there is no doubt that what happened to you and your sister is unfair, definitely not great parenting and should not have happened, you are now an adult and you are responsible for you. I absolutely understand why you feel resentment but if you focus solely on you, how does blaming them improve your day to day life now? Therapy will help you unpick this and feel safe and empowered moving forward. You can do it op, you can build a great life for yourself.

Oh gawd, very similar upbringing here but it was very very frequent.

I became intensely focussed on not allowing anyone under any circumstances into my hemisphere without walking the plank for a very long time.
Intolerant of any slight “personality” issue or stepping even a cm out of line, they were gone, no second glance, no thinking about it… gone.

I was laser focused on my life being completely and absolutely different from my parents life.

So I chose carefully, tested to the max and spent years seeing if my now dh was good enough for me. I was fucking hard work admittedly.
Ended up ok.

Undoubtedly such a toxic childhood has had a profound affect on you both.
Unsurprisingly.

Unfortunately there is no changing the past.
The holy grail of awful childhoods is acceptance of what cannot be changed.

Some counselling might help to gain acceptance but trying not to dwell definitely helps.

Contact with your mother probably isn't helping you as this is constantly humming in the background and triggering for you.

Perhaps seeing a lot less of her would help you.
Trauma in childhood does impact all areas of life and relationships.

I would find a good psychologist experienced in childhood trauma to help you move forward.

You are not wrong in your feelings.
It reads as a very difficult childhood, despite the material comforts provided.

In a home like that you never felt safe. That lack of safety at such a young age leaves huge scars.

Gabor Maté is worth looking up and listening to about childhood trauma.

I doubt very much that everyone around you is living the idyllic life you think they are. We've all got baggage. Was your mum in a position to leave from a financial and housing point of view. Was she afraid of your dad? What support did she have? It's easy to play the blame game but life isn't perfect and it certainly isn't straight forward. For reference, my parents had a fucking awful marriage. There was violence, frequent suicide threats and they argued every. single. day. I had all of that without anyone supporting me through university or buying me a car and I was very far from spoilt! Do I blame them? Well, I wish things had been different obviously - for their sakes as well as mine. But we make our own lives, happiness and fortunes. There's no other way, no magic wand.

I am in no way equipped to give any advice but from the point of view of you asking at all, I can’t ever get my head around people blaming their mother when they were trying to survive a relationship like this. I don’t think anyone can assume they’d act any other way/ be stronger if they were in that position- even people who’ve gone through it with a different person.

Edited to add I’m sorry you had to go through any of it though x

What your parents experienced in their childhoods influenced their emotional stability, their happiness and affected how they related to each other and consequently how they parented you.

Their childhood shaped them, just as yours has shaped you. You can't 'fix' them or change the facts of what happened to you, you can only work on healing what it did to you.

Hi OP, I had a horrible violent and unstable childhood with 2 mentally ill parents. I too struggle to trust people or believe them or behave appropriately in relationships. I've jut been diagnosed with 'complex trauma' by the NHS and am waiting to see a clinical psychologist. It has taken me years to even piece together the fact that something was wrong with me (I'm way older than you).

You almost certainly have an insecure attachment style which causes problems in relationships. I think I am fearful avoidant (disorganised).

Anyway while I wait for my therapy to start I have discovered some really great content on you tube (I know!)

This is a guy who has clearly had a poor childhood and has done masses of reading and investigating and working out his issues. He is now doing videos to help others. There is so much rubbish on YouTube but this guy is really, really excellent.

They aren't flash or gimmicky - there are just a dude sitting talking but OMG they are so good. Easy to understand and make so much sense (to me anyway).

I've just watched his 5 pillars of secure attachment (5 videos he loaded recently) and honestly the guy makes me fill with tears. It is like he knows me personally.

He has lots of videos on different things including relationship problems people like us face etc.

Anyway they are not 'fun' videos although the guy has a lovely soothing manner and makes difficult topics really easy to understand. If you want to start somewhere and try and make sense of things I really recommend him. It's called 'The Two Mind Method' - the name being that we have 2 minds. Our concious mind plus our subconcious mind/inner child where all our emotions and learned behaviours from childhood live.

Oh and I can assure you almost every problem you have with relationships and behaviour is from your attachment style and from unhealthy coping mechanisms you learned in childhood to survive scary environments.

Yanbu to be aware of how their relationship makes you feel now but Yabu to blame them - you're 30 and your healing is your responsibility now, go to therapy and read the book 'the book you wish your parents had read.'

That generation were told divorce = bad. Your mum probably put up with a lot with your best interest in mind even if she was wrong, she may not have felt she was able to do it alone or worried that would harm you. Don't blame and abuse victim.

But I hope women with abusive partners reading your op get prompted to make a safe plan to leave!

This post also makes me feel less guilty that my son doesn't have his parents together, as his father is quite like your dad

Thank you for making me feel heard. I hold so much resentment.

So many people seem annoyed at me for blaming my mum. I maybe think I was not clear in my first post.

She was not scared of my Dad. He was vile with the way he spoke to us. However, the violence was from my mum. He’d say vile things but she beat him up, black eyes, broken noses etc. My Dad never hit us or her. He would say horrible things to us, my mum was loving towards us. I blame her for letting him say these things to us and letting us witness this violence. She wasn’t scared of him, she loved him and didn’t want to leave him.