Controlling baby dad.. AIBU?

[JustMePlus3]

my daughters dad and I split before we was aware I was pregnant with her due to his drug use, 7 years later when he was more stable he came back into her life, we started contact gradually, with periods where he would disappear again for a long time due to starting up new relationships etc,
however she’s 11 now and there relationship is consistent but he’s now very over bearing, my daughter only wants to go every other weekend, he wants her every weekend,

we went along with every weekend for a while to avoid confrontation as he becomes very aggressive when you disagree with him but my daughter doesn’t feel she came express herself to him as he just puts her down and belittles her whenever she tries to tell him how she feels,

every weekend also left me with no time to spend with her myself or for other family to see her as he lives in a different county. Occasionally when I had things planned with my other children I’d ask for her to stay with me for the weekend and it was just met with ‘that’s not fair on me argument’ with no regards to our daughters feelings. He seems to care about how he feels much more than his daughter, baring in mind he has another daughter who is 13 who picks and choose when she comes without any issues but he says this is different as my daughter is his ‘favourite’

it’s at the point my daughters crying and upset every time he’s forcing her to go and comes home upset because she has no life outside of school and her dads, iv let him know il no longer be bowing down and putting up with his abusiveness and told him it’s every other weekend from now on and that’s the end of it,
with that he’s now trying to financially blackmail me saying basically if we don’t do what he wants he’s not paying maintenance and he’s self employed so if I go through cms he’s just not going to declare what he works, now money doesn’t bother me but him trying to control us does,
iv spoken to my daughter and asked her if it comes down to it and we need to get a court order is she ok knowing she may not see him for a while and she’s said she’d prefer that as she’s scared that he’s going to have ago at her when she goes because of all this, as he has done in the past when we’ve tried to mediate with him,

I have said to him that he’s more than welcome to see her in the week after school, and if he changed his shifts around she’d be more than happy to stay a night or two in the week instead but she just doesn’t want all her spare time to be spent with him and not being allowed to socialise with her friends or see any of her other family but it isn’t good enough for him and I’m now just getting abusive messages off him and I’m just sick of it at this point,

I feel like the only way to sort this is to go to court if he’s just gonna see it as his way or the highway and I think a judge is going to be the only voice of reason and way to get him to understand he can’t take up every minute of her free time, aibu? I don’t want her not to see him but I don’t want her being controlled for the rest of her childhood and to miss out on childhood experiences because he wants her all to himself,
they is many more things but this post is already long enough so il leave it at that

Stand up for your daughter. Go to court. She is getting to the age now where court listens to her opinion.

In the meantime, keep a diary and make notes.

@TheSandgroperthis is exactly what I’m doing, keeping messages, keeping videos, I found a video on my daughters phone last week where she was trying to send me a video of the outside of butlins as they was driving past as were going there for a week in June so she was excited to video and show me the funfair and he’s in the background calling her a ‘sado’ and a ‘weirdo’ and taking digs at her for wanting to show me, as if he’s trying to squash her excitement and belittle her for being excited about it and wanting to show me, he’s a very strange man

he’s a very strange man
He's more than strange. He is abusive. Your poor daughter.

Why are you bending over backwards to facilitate contact when your child clearly does not want it?

Does your DD want to see him at all?

Would do as she wishes.

It’s for your ex to take legal action if he wants to seek more contact.

You need a financial plan for what to do if he stops paying maintenance, and that isn’t sufficient reason to do what he wants.

@BodenCardiganNotim just glad she’s at the age where her voice counts, like I said iv been a bit scared to stand up to him for a while but i can’t let this continue any longer, he’s no friends, and no family who associate with him because of how he is with his ‘I’m right and everyone else is wrong’ attitude, which is why I think he clings onto my daughter as when he’s at work he’s nothing else to do because no one wants to be around him, but shes not here to keep him company, she has her own feelings and life to be getting on with, I’m just disappointed that even after all these years he’s clearly not changed in the slightest and is still very narcissistic and doesn’t care about her feelings at all, poor girl indeed 😣

@Loopytilesi think she’d be happy to see him every other weekend, the problems start when she isn’t singing and dancing to his tune, as soon as she disagrees with what he wants the tension is unbearable and he’ll sit and lecture her until she just agrees with what he’s saying, she’s made it clear she does want a break from him though and she’d like me to get a legal agreement in place so he can’t continue to try argue and belittle her about it, she just wants balance and at the minute she’s just isolated and is worried she’s not going to have any friends as she has no time to see them out of school as she’s always there

Your daughter will be in therapy for years as an adult in order to get over what she is being forced go to through now. Please listen to her.

Why are you allowing him to abuse her? Let him go to court - I bet he won't.

Have a conversation with your daughter and ask for her honest feelings, not what she feels is the 'right' thing to do. She may say she wants to see hom, she may say she doesn't- she may feel she has to as a duty, or to keep you from his behaviour.

Then move forward. Either EOW and that is it, or stop contact and let him take you to court.

Stop all contact unless it is on a parenting app. I pay for Our Family Wizard but there are some really good free ones that I have seen recommended. Only communicate in writing, any abuse where nothing is about your daughter then ignore.

If he is being abusive to her, I would be inclined to stopp contact. But she has a voice so talk to her first of all.

I would take the power away and just got to CMS. Record everything. If he doesn't pay obviously you need a plan financially but taking that power away from him is needed.

Boundaries are needed. I would strongly consider getting your daughter into therapy so she can work through this in a safe environment. This will support your daughter in the future but also if it goes to court it could be beneficial as your daughter will be able to articulate herself better and maybe underatand how she truly feels. Speak to school and GP about options, but there are also so many charities that might help given the abuse.

Feel for you, so hard!

@BodenCardiganNoti am, that’s why I’m here, I just needed some reassurance that what I’m doing isn’t wrong, unfortunately iv always struggled with creating boundaries and sticking up for myself in fear of the consequences of upsetting people, but I understand this is something that needs to be addressed so I’m getting it sorted for her sake, she deserves a mother who will be her backbone for her when she’s not strong enough to advocate for herself and that’s exactly what I’m doing 🙏

@BookArt55thank you, I shall look into it now, I couldn’t care for what her offers financially as I supported her for years alone just fine until he started paying for her a couple of years ago, but I did think it would go in our favour if we did go through cms and he did try to incorrectly declare what he earns as when it came to sorting out days for her to stay if he was claiming he only worked part time to avoid paying maintenance, he would have to explain to the judge he couldn’t actually have her on the days they was suggesting as he’d be working and the judge would be able to see he is trying to use money as a method of coercive control and I imagine that would go in our favour as showing his real character

Stop with all the unnecessary communication.

Send him an email or other written communication. Don't apologise or explain.

"From now on, DD will be visiting at X time on Friday through to X time on Sunday every other weekend.

You are also welcome to have her on Tuesday after school. She will need to be dropped off at school on Wednesday morning. Let me know if you would like to take up this option, otherwise I will continue to pick DD up on Tuesdays as normal."

Ignore any abuse or arguments. If he wants to take it to court, he can do.

Yeh I agree with PP you tell him the plan that works best for your daughter IF she wants contact.
Keep a record of everything.
Meet with school and share the issue as he could go and pick her up from school potentially if he wanted to cause problems so good to share so everyone is up to date.
Boundaries I also struggle with setting, hardest thing. Decide what is best for your daughter, write it down and stick with it. He isn't a reasonable man and doesn't actually care what is best for your daughter.

Going to sit down and have a chat with her when she’s home and make a plan of action and do exactly that, I appreciate the reassurance and advice from everyone, iv been made to feel as though im overdramatic or crazy many times in my life so its nice to be able to have somewhere to turn where people can give you an unbiased opinion and tell you straight weather your being stupid or weather you are correct in what your methods of thinking are, it’s really helpful and gives me the confidence to do the right thing, thank you.

Completely understand, people here have given me some very much needed advice and made me see i am not crazy! When you are in it you can't help bit doubt yourself, especially when the other person seems so certain they are right.

@BookArt55self doubt has landed me in so many situations I had no place being caught up in, learning more and more each day

He sounds awful. Does she really have to see him at all? Are you sure she really wants to and isn't just telling you (and probably him too) what she believes you should hear or want to hear?

If she doesn't want to see this abusive twat and would rather spend time with you and having a social life outside of school with her friends then she should be under no obligation to see him. He's only going to mock and abuse her by the sound of it

Tell her it is OK to express a negative opinion of him if that is what she feels. It's OK for her to want no contact or low contact. Stick up for her and tell him that. If she does want to see him but maybe only once a month then tell him that.

It doesn't sound like anything is currently formally set up or court ordered so just say your pieces (you and DD) and let him take you to court if he wishes. He might make noises that way, but actually doing it is a different matter. Even if he does, your DD is now getting to the age where a court is more likely to take what she has to say into account.

I'd stop trying to facilitate contact and let DD know you are backing off from that because she doesn't seem happy with things as they are.

If dd's dad was abusive to her I'd document everything, stop all contact and let him take me to court.

Sometimes the person you have to protect your child from is their other parent.

@Topseyt123im not 100% sure what she wants, you may be correct in saying that she is telling me what she thinks I want to hear as she went so long without him I didn’t want her growing up not knowing her father so I encouraged her to try and build a relationship with him as I truely believed he’d changed, but more fool me for assuming that without any evidence of such things, I’m going to have a good chat with her when she’s home and speak to the school about some counselling for her as she may feel she can open up to them more honestly and try figure out the best solution for her, looking at things with a clearer mind I do wish I’d of not entertained his nonsense and left things as they were and let her contact him when she was an adult and was able to make her mind up without being manipulated, forgot to mention I’d found messages from a 30+ year old man on her phone that she met whist away with him in Egypt, when I questioned why and how he had her number and how she’d met him, her dads response was they met him at a bar and he was ‘really good with kids’ and he didn’t see the problem with her messaging him and sending him updates for when they next came over to visit, this man was asking my daughter how her day had been at school when she returned to England, I immediately blocked him and was furious but her dad saw no issue with it, it’s like he has no regards for her safety at all.

forgot to mention I’d found messages from a 30+ year old man on her phone that she met whist away with him in Egypt, when I questioned why and how he had her number and how she’d met him, her dads response was they met him at a bar and he was ‘really good with kids’ and he didn’t see the problem with her messaging him and sending him updates for when they next came over to visit, this man was asking my daughter how her day had been at school when she returned to England, I immediately blocked him and was furious but her dad saw no issue with it, it’s like he has no regards for her safety at all.

WTF?? That would be the end of it if I were you. No contact from now on.

Imo if dd has a phone block him for now. Don't give him an avenue to harass her into appeasing him.

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreetiv told her not to open his messages, this is why she asks me to message him instead of her when she doesn’t want to go as she knows he’ll start having ago at her, so il message him to let him know then she’ll come downstairs 20/30 minutes later crying as he’ll of been messaging her saying she’s got no choice and he’s on his way to pick her up regardless, so il message him to say leave her alone and stop bothering her she’s entitled to a weekend off but then the messages start going ‘if you come this weekend il take you to the fair, il buy you some trainers, we can go to the cinema’ ect, so he’ll manipulate her into going, but when she comes back she’s still sad because it’s another weekend she’s not got to see family, spend time with friends or just relax in her own space he still lives with his dad and his dads friend and sleeps in the spare room that her dad uses when she’s not there but often she’s made to share a bed with her half sister who she doesn’t get on with as there’s no were else for them to sleep, she doesn’t feel comfortable using the bathroom there as like I said it’s her, her dad, her grandad and some random friend of her grandads so not exactly a child friendly welcoming home, he never makes sure she has a shower on the Saturday or brushes her teeth or her hair iv asked him to take her to specsavers for eye appointments as we have no time in the week due to living outside of town and he just misses them all the time, it’s like he just wants someone to keep him company and doesn’t actually want to parent he just wants her there so he’s got someone to do stuff with, I’m hoping we can just leave the whole thing behind us for a while and if he wants contact he can take us to court because these are all things that need addressing but he’s incapable of having an adult conversation with me about it without flipping his lid and resorting to screaming and shouting it’s ridiculous

Op based on the messages I would stop him directly contacting her for a start. All contact goes through you from now on. Have a conversation with your daughter and ask her what she wants. Not what she thinks she should do or what she thinks her dad would like, what SHE wants. If she tells you she doesn’t want to go then you tell him that and let him take you to court for access. If she says every other weekend then he picks her up at a set time set day or whatever. Stick to it. He does not control the narrative here your daughter is old enough to voice how she feels and what she wants

Your ex is not a fit father and cannot be trusted to keep his DD safe.

I hope you kept screenshots of the correspondence from the 30 year old man and of your ex's totally wishy-washy and inadequate response to it when questioned. You could use those as evidence if it goes to court.

Of course, you should also talk to your DD about why providing her number to this person was inappropriate. Be careful how you phrase it - did the man ask DD for it himself? Did her foolish Dad encourage her to give it? Did he ask her Dad instead of her and did her Dad give the man her number himself? Which would be equally inappropriate and foolish, of course.

On the basis of this alone, I would completely stop contact between DD and this arse of a father. Tell her that she no longer has to go, and can instead build a much needed social life outside of school with her own friends from now on.