I’ve realised I’m the scapegoat of my family

[BabyYoda23]

And I’ve come to the realisation that this is why I have such low self esteem and low self worth.

Been staying with my parents over half term, I’ve always had a strained relationship with them, particularly my mother.
She believes she is a perfect mother, however I think differently. She’s manipulative, has no empathy for others, particularly me, has low to zero emotional intelligence and awareness.
I’ve recently been diagnosed as autistic and also ADHD. She keeps saying it’s my dad who has passed this on to me, but I’m pretty sure she has it. She has no friends and just lives in a little bubble, she hasn’t worked for over 30 years.
She has a very comfortable life thanks to my father working hard all his life.

If I try to explain how I’m feeling or why I’m upset about something she’ll just say “I don’t care” and walk away. There is absolutely zero acknowledgment or accountability.
My brother however is the golden child and it’s obvious, whatever he says or does is right.
My mum in particular will constantly tell my brother about my ‘behaviour’ as she puts it and she doesn’t hide the fact either. Despite my diagnosis of neurodivergence, it hasn’t changed anything.

I am blamed and criticised for everything - even if something is or was an accident e.g. when I accidentally spilt a drink on the carpet - I am berated like a small child, I feel as though I’m constantly apologising. They even criticise my parenting.
I remember as a child being scared of making a mistake or breaking anything and if I did, I’d try and hide it - I was so terrified of their reaction.
They don’t respect my boundaries and if I try to put any in place , they just laugh or mock me.

I try to bring up memories from the past that upset me and I’m told I’m misremembering.

When I visit them, they don’t allow me to prepare any food for myself or do anything like washing etc - they have to do it for me, their reasoning is “I’m not careful and might break something”. I’m 36 years old and live alone with a child (and my partner too).
I think it’s just another form of control.

I was thinking the other day (and discussing with my therapist) that I’ve never heard my mum say sorry to me, my dad has. But my definitely never from my mother, even when I was a child. She will never take responsibility for anything. She also very rarely hugs me or says anything nice about me.

I just can’t imagine being like that with my son. We are showering him with compliments all the time and I always apologise to him if it’s needed.

The sad part is I’m always expecting them to change, I’m always disappointed when it’s the same old thing. Even after all these years. I thought it might change since having my child, but no.

I feel very sad as I don’t believe they appreciate me for who I am and to be honest I’m not even sure who that is anymore. My confidence levels are rock bottom.

You need boundaries and a little distance from your mother so you don’t focus so heavily on past and present experiences. Do you mind me asking why you are staying with them over half term? You are being treated like a child there. Distance yourself a little more and focus on yourself to rebuild your confidence and self worth. 🌸

I understand you OP I’m an only child and unfortunately got exactly the same parental treatment as you ❤️

The only behaviour you can change here is your own, though. Acknowledge that how you were parented had a negative impact, but that they won’t change and you can’t make them change, keep working at therapy and see less of them.

I’m staying with them as they live 200 miles away and I guess I feel an obligation to see them plus they want to see their grandson and he enjoys seeing them too. It’s such a dilemma.

Gosh that sounds shit! You don't have to see them though. That would be OK given how awful your mum is. I would head home early (maybe say you feel unwell if that's easier) and look to put some distance between you and them.

Well, cut yourself free of that sense of obligation. Something to talk through in therapy. You’re the only one who can change the dynamic. You can’t force people to treat you as you would like to be treated. You can only look after yourself and remove yourself from the dynamic that makes you miserable.

Do you think it’s ok for your child to see you perpetually criticised and blamed, and to see his mother travelling 200 miles to be berated and treated like a misbehaving small child, and apparently accepting it?

I was the scapegoat and also the black sheep so I get you.

I think it's time to stop the visits it's damaging and also you don't want your son to witness this toxic behaviour and think it's OK. None of this is your fault that's on your parents.

I do understand that, but I’ve got a side of me that also feels as though I don’t want to take my son away from his grandparents. It’s so difficult.
I guess I’m always going there because I hope things will change.
My dad is more reasonable , like I said in previous post - he will apologise to me, but my mum is always acting as though he’s the problem, not her.

I haven’t read your entire post OP, but I was also the scapegoat. In my case I cut contact and moved overseas.

If you don’t want to do that, or can’t, then put some boundaries in place. Expect them to push back and when they do stand firm.

And I see other people who have these wonderful relationships with their parents and I’m very jealous and sad.

My 'd'm treats my sister horribly. I always talk up and challenge her because I'm not standing for it.

I get really cross, but for some reason I 'get away with it'

You don’t have to ‘take him away’. See them less. See it as teaching him valuable lessons about how we choose to be around people who value us, and we choose to spend minimal time with those who don’t. DH and I both have very unideal parents and we’ve talked to our son in age appropriate ways about how you can love someone and also acknowledge that they have failings that have had a big impact on us, and that it’s ok to prioritise yourself in these situations.

I hear you. I am the youngest of 5 and growing up I was the scapegoat. I was called the black sheep of the family. Problem is, dark experiences in your formative years are carried with you for life - well they are in my case. You just have to find your self esteem that wasn't allowed to flourish before.

Sorry that you're the scapegoat, it's so unfair.

Since you know that they don't take responsibility, can I ask WHY you are bringing up stuff in the past that upset you? They clearly aren't engaging with it and it seems like you'll just keep being disappointed if you keep trying.

Also, one thing to add is that it is true that different people remember different events in different ways. My sister often remembers stuff that I remember in a completely opposite way... she gets upset but honestly I'm as confident as she is that my memory is right. But we can't both be right.

People's memories are fallible, and memories are not facts. Feelings are also, not facts.

Seems like your options are either distance yourself further, or try to look forward and tackle behaviour that happens now. Re-hashing history probably won't get you anywhere.

From what you have said I don’t think it’s a good idea staying with them on the visits. There is a cost implication but could you stay nearby eg in a local b&b? You could also do more on the trips so you are not focusing so heavily on them and the way they are treating you eg you could see the local sites, take your child out places up there eg soft play centres, local park, lovely walks. Seeing your parents could then be part of your visit but not all of it. You could then, if you wanted to, see your parents outside their home e.g. meet them somewhere for a short walk? They get to see you and their grandchild, and you are also having a lovely time with your child.

You are giving your son the message that it is ok to be criticised and belittled by others. Not a lesson he should be learning.

I would drastically reduce contact from now on.

My way around this was to do things with them in public but never enter their home. DC rarely spent time at my parents' home and never once stayed with them overnight.

Instead, all go out for a visit to a pantomime or circus - something with minimal interaction. If you do feel a duty to let DC visit them, book an airbnb near them and come for daytime visits. If they question it, just say, I think it's easier this way. No need to explain further. It means you can always make a getaway if her behaviour gets too much for you.

Learning I had the right to walk out of the room when my father was bullying me was a massive relief. I was over 50 when I realised. But my life-long depression went away and has never returned, since I started behaving as though his manipulative tactics had no effect on me.

"I try to bring up memories from the past that upset me and I’m told I’m misremembering."
My mother-in-law does this to/about me. It's abusive and manipulative.

The thing about boundaries is that you don't need them to respect them or agree with them, you just need to stick to them. So it might be "if you speak nastily to me, the visit will be over and I will leave". And then you do it.

She won't change. You are not U at all to wish she would, but she won't. Try to accept it, and think carefully about how much contact you want. (It doesn't have to be the amount she wants). Make a decision that you think will make you as happy as you can be under the circumstances, and stick to it.

So your parents are cruel to you and treat DB like the golden child - which one are you hoping for for your DS - as both are toxic in their own ways.

Just stay away . Why risk more damage to your self-esteem and possibly your son’s.