To cut off in laws after 10 years of rudeness?

[Tir3dToddl3rMum]

Tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have been with DH for 10 years and married for 8. We have a 6-year-old. DH is close to family. Closer than me. I only talk to my mum. He is the youngest of 3.

Here are the times in the last 10 years I have been disrespected:

My MIL backed out of my hen do at the last minute for no reason. I was the only one whose hen she did not go to.

MIL did not like my wedding theme.

Both SILs did not come to hen do despite going to each other's.

Eldest BIL took DH to the strip club for the stag do despite me asking him not to and DH trying to leave by, BIL blocking him. They got into a massive fight. BIL would then tease me about it and try to start a fight between DH and me.

Eldest SIL spoke badly about my parents at my wedding.

All this made me not want to take DH's last name 8 years ago.

After I had my child:

DS was speech delayed - MIL told me (on the due date of the second child I lost) that it was my fault he was speech delayed - it wasn't. He has SEND.

MIL kept saying things like does DS have diabetes or dyspraxia or other medical issues when DS was 20 months old and saying if he did, they would be my fault.

My Eldest SIL and FIL ignored the fact I have physical disabilities and planned family stuff that requires walking. Been disabled for 13 years. Their ideas and events put me in my wheelchair for 3 days once.

Middle BIL constantly nitpick at what I say because I have two SEND and repeat myself. He is rude about this.

The way I parent my DS is questioned a lot.

None of them came to my 30th birthday party despite me being expected at my FILs 70th, middle SILs and MILs 70th. I was called a see you next Tuesday for having my party on my MIL's birthday despite that being the only day I could do it. My birthday is constantly ignored by MILs.

MIL told me I should not have a second child because of how much it would affect DH and how much DH has to do for DS. It is called being an active father. She was very happy for middle SIL to have kid 2 and wanted eldest SIL to have 2 kids but she said no. It is just me who she says should not have more.

I was not included in the family bible they have until 5 years ago despite DH saying I needed to be in the family tree. MIL added in my wedding date not birthday to the tree unlike SILs.

And now, what has finally broken me. DH has inherited property, or so we thought. Turns out Eldest BIL knew the property was part of something else, which means there is no deed, and if we want it separated, we have to pay, but we can't pay because it is expensive. He didn't talk to us, but spoke to middle BIL and kept things from us for over a year along with middle BIL/SIL. This same property that FIL tried to take back from DH because DH wanted to sell it and made me have a stern conversation with FIL about how he spoke to and treated DH. So Eldest BIL may have just essentially taken our inheritance and not told DH anything, screwing DH.

I am especially done with the Eldest BIL/SIL, I am mad at the middle BIL/SIL and MIL and FIL. There have been other events like this for over 10 years, but these are the main ones.

I am tired of the disrespectful behaviour. They walk all over DH as he is the youngest, and he works in the public sector rather than having his own business like the rest of his family. They treat me like an outsider and afterthought, and when they do think of me, it is to either hurt me or be rude about me. I have given up making my DH aware of their behaviour towards me 4 years ago.

I do not want to be around them. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I want to change my last name and my son's. I am angry and hurt and upset. I had to scream at my DH to finally listen to the years of hurt and disrespectful behaviour they have done to me. He now says he wants to clear up this inheritance issue, and then it's fine; if they won't apologise and change, we cut them off, but at this rate, I am done. I am done feeling and being treated like an outsider they can pick on. Am I being unreasonable in saying I have had enough and want to walk away? I do not care about or want their inheritance, as it comes with too many strings, hoops, and demands.

Some of that is awful but some is not
BUT if you prefer not to have a relationship with them then thats absolutely your right, your DH will probably want to continue to see them but there is no reason for you to.

Get them all out your life now. They have no respect for you, ur son, ur husband and ur family. They sound really toxic. Block on absolutely everything and go no contact. Tell them to stick the inheritance up their ass I’d rather have self respect and no toxicity. If ur husband still wants to see then then that’s his prerogative but wouldn’t be letting him take ur child with him.

Just do it.

Don't interact with them, don't try to explain to them, as you pointed out; youre an afterthought, you're an outsider - just become that outsider and relish that positioning. Let DH be the POC for his family, let them be the arseholes they are, step away and cut the ties.

Most importantly, its not the beginning of a discussion; its your decision, its not a conversation or an argument, its done, its decided.

Its all awful. Not just some of it. Cut them out and just live your life.

I don't quite understand the bit about the inheritance. What did the will say?

YANBU to go NC..why wouldn't you really?

So I have been kept out of a lot of inheritance conversations but we were told one of the semi detached houses was ours and we signed paperwork for it but now apparently it is a single entity house and so not ours. If we wanted to make it a separate entity we would have to pay to split the houses and we do not have the money to do this hence why we want this house gone to get the money. And apparently the eldest BIL knew all this and basically worked it so that my DH would be screwed over and the other two BILs would get everything. So we were told to put money into this house and do it up but we can't as the house does not exist so we have no mortgage on it. So we would have sunk money into it and it would not have been ours.

So what paperwork did you sign if the house doesn’t exist? What does the will / paperwork say?

We signed something to say this part of the land and house was ours and now apparently that means nothing it seems.

What does your DH say?

Wouldn't you just LOVE to snatch that inheritance out of hteir nasty grasping little hands, having walked away yourself. Cut yourself off, go lc or nc with themm yourself, but try to ensure, encourage and push dh to get that inheritance - which is his after all - into his hands so that you have and, most important, THEY DON'T.

Then you can walk away literally, leaving dh behind as well if you want, or not.

Whatever you choose, you certainly don't need to stick around them or see any of them again yourself.

Just go no contact with them. If you don't see them then they can't be horrible to you. If your husband wants to see them and go to family events he can go on his own.

If your husband invites them round to yours have something else planned and go out.

Yes. I would stop playing these games. Some families are so dysfunctional they need a scapegoat and someone to bully. Don’t let this carry on, and don’t engage any further.

Number one, do not have a conversation or discuss it. Do it.

A lot of your gripes are not important at all. Some are. Are you perhaps quite difficult at times ?

These are your husband's family. Of you don't like them. Back off. Go low contact bit your husband can see them as much as he wants

He is done with all this and them too. We almost went LC/NC last Feb but ultimately decided to try one last time. He is feeling down about all this. I had to send a long text to his parents explaining that this was all too far and we would be considering our place in the family. We have even looked at deed poll changing our last name.

Christ. Just get on and do it. This is far too extreme for changing your name.

Have you not spoke to someone legally regarding the inheritance? ,surely it’s nothing to do with the BIL’s.

I am giving my husband time to calm down. Then I am messaging my in laws to say that I am requesting all legal documents regarding this land/house for my lawyers and I will go to my lawyers. I will show my inlaws that I am done with them.

So you’ve fallen out with your own family and now you’re falling out with your husband’s family? Yes some of what they’ve said/done is awful but some of it also really isn’t and is you nitpicking imo. At some point you need to do some self reflection and realise there’s a pattern here……

Stop dealing directly with them and don't send that text. You are just unnecessarily adding fuel to the fire. Just get your husband to instruct lawyers to do all the communications over the inheritance.

On a personal level just stop communicating with them and stop going to events. Support your husband to do the same but leave it up to him, it's his family.

There is no need for all this angst, you can just walk away and get on with your life without any big fanfare about it.

It sounds like they didn’t really like you at the beginning so didn’t want to really be involved in your hen do or anything. That’s not great, they should have made the effort as your husband picked you. But it also sounds like maybe they don’t much agree with a lot of his choices, and you were just another of those bad choices (in their eyes). That’s bad behaviour, they should have made the effort. Your husband should have supported you much sooner though, especially over all the birthday stuff and being included on the family tree and everything. He sound weak, they sound selfish. Not a good mix. You were left in the middle and should make the choice for yourself. Just pretend they don’t exist. Your husband can do what he likes but you have nothing to do with them.
I think it was very poor form to have your part on the same day as MiL’s birthday and expect them to come though so you didn’t help yourself there, and there are probably other things you’ve done as well to make it worse. Only you know, so before making your decision, just think back and make sure you didn’t do something really rude to them right back at the start or something.

When your MIL says it’s your fault that your child as SEN, maybe she means inherited as you say you have it too. But that’s just not something you say! She is awful to have said that, and involving your child in her behaviour is out of line. Just cut them off; let your husband do what he wants but you don’t have to see or speak to them.

Don't show your hand. Get your Dh to ask for all the paperwork about the house. Don't tell them you will be instructing lawyers you need to keep all that to yourself until you have what you want, the paperwork.

Only you know where your boundary is and if you feel they don't add anything positive to your lives then consider completely cutting them off. But don't do this until you have resolved the house issue. You can't say no more and then get back in contact about the legalities of the house.

So stay calm and calculated. Once the house is sorted then and only then cut them and change your names if you want to. But to misquote a book, you need to consider everything you can't do once you cut them off. I have a family member who literally said I don't need you in my life to another family member and then thought it would all work itself out. It didn't. They haven't spoken in 15 years.

I agree some is awful, but some makes no sense or feels deeply petty.

Why on earth would you complain about people you don’t like not coming to your hen do, for instance? It’s like that old joke about the food in the new restaurant being awful: ‘Yes, and such small portions!’

I’m quite fond of my ILs, but never contemplated taking DH’s name? Why would I? And surely there’s no need to insert yourself into any comms between your DH and his family, certainly not on inheritance stuff. His family, his inheritance, his stuff to handle.

Well—on the inheritance it sounds like it was very much a couple issue that OP can’t avoid. This inheritance was dangled in front of them and sounds like it was a pre-mortem sharing out of assets which would have resulted in OP and her DH spending miney on the upkeep and decoration of a house which ultimately was not going to be properly transferred to them in a legal way. So current family money (OP’s) would be wasted on an asset that was not really hers.

OP can’t and shouldn’t avoid helping her dh deal with this “inheritance.”