Baby free wedding not actually baby free…

BlackLab75 · 2025-05-26T20:14:01+00:00

Family wedding this week on DH’s side 5+ hours away. When the invite arrived it was only addressed to me and DH, double checked with the bride and DD (10 months) not invited. Not a massive issue, no suitable childcare so DH went by himself. I was sad to miss out (I’m one of those mumsnet rarities who actually loves a wedding and my in laws!) but completely get it’s up to the bride and groom. We only had babies at our wedding so I guess we were technically ‘child free’ although we were one of the first in our group to get married so there weren’t many children we could have invited anyway. When DH arrived there were two babies present (I think one was the child of one of the wedding party, the other of one of the guests). Both the same age as DD. DH didn’t say anything but apparently the bride made an off the cuff remark about how unfortunately they couldn’t get childcare (so the parents hadn’t just bought them knowing they weren’t invited). AIBU to be a bit hurt that the offer wasn’t extended to us to bring our baby when we RSVP’d and said that I wouldn’t be able to come because of childcare? I get that the other parents may have circumstances we’re not privy to (and I completely get why the member of the wedding party would be in a tricky spot without bringing baby along!). Just stings a bit as I was looking forward to the wedding and to catching up with family. If the wedding had been in a city I’d have gone along and had an explore then hopefully caught up with family the day after etc but it was a hotel in the countryside and I was worried I’d look a bit passive aggressive if I’d gone with DD and they’d feel obliged to include us. DH overheard one guest moaning to their partner that they’d paid a fortune for a babysitter so at least we didn’t have that expense!

Marinerscove · 26/05/2025 21:16

That does seem very unfair! But equally, I am sure the bride was not overly happy that they just brought their kids, and it may dampen their relationship.

ButterBites · 26/05/2025 21:19

On the face of it it does seem unfair but I’m guessing there were other circumstances you were unaware of.

Or it could be as simple as those guests were more important to the couple than you and so they were willing to accept babies for those but not everyone else.

Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 21:21

She probably reasoned that 2 babies were less likely to cry during her aisle entrance than 3!

I wouldn’t be offended. The other 2 may have just been less respectful and more pushy than you.

Don’t read too much into it. It was her wedding and you respected her wishes 🤷🏽‍♀️

Mumofteenandtween · 26/05/2025 21:21

ButterBites · 26/05/2025 21:19

On the face of it it does seem unfair but I’m guessing there were other circumstances you were unaware of.

Or it could be as simple as those guests were more important to the couple than you and so they were willing to accept babies for those but not everyone else.

Either more important or more difficult!

ByZanyRubyOrca · 26/05/2025 21:22

What relation are the family to you?

This sounds like a guest brought a baby uninvited, which has nothing to do with the bride. And the other you don’t know the reason why. Bride said no kids, two turned up, one was not invited. Other you don’t know. So why would you think your kid should be allowed. YABU.

whatflite · 26/05/2025 21:31

A bit disappointing for you but you don’t know the full story. It’s very likely the bride/groom already had two difficult conversations and had to relent possibly feeling peeved about those so I wouldn’t blame them for not wanting it to turn into a free for all.

Original poster

BlackLab75 · 26/05/2025 21:33

ByZanyRubyOrca · 26/05/2025 21:22

What relation are the family to you?

This sounds like a guest brought a baby uninvited, which has nothing to do with the bride. And the other you don’t know the reason why. Bride said no kids, two turned up, one was not invited. Other you don’t know. So why would you think your kid should be allowed. YABU.

DH is the bride’s cousin.

Bride told DH the guest had brought their baby as they couldn’t get childcare but to be fair I don’t know if that was planned in advance/the bride had ok’d it or they just turned up. If it was just the bridesmaid’s baby I wouldn’t have given it a second thought but the other guest threw me a bit.

You’re right in that I’m probably BU. I have PND so am a bit prone to looking on the gloomy side at the moment (when we had seen family in the run up nobody was aware it was going to be baby free so it was a bit of a surprise when we got the invite). DH also found it a bit awkward as people kept asking where DD and I were.

OP posts:

Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 21:41

Sorry to hear about the PND.

The over thinking is a killer…honestly, don’t let this take up another minute in your brain.

It is not important and 99% likely to say more about the other guests than you.

Be kind to yourself and hope you feel better soon x

Bibbitybobbity70 · 26/05/2025 21:49

Disappointing but just let it go.
We were invited to my cousins wedding on NYE a few yrs ago, child free, venue miles from nowhere & we had a 7mth old ebf o we declined. All potential family babysitters were at the wedding. No hard feeling, my ILs were more elderly & hours away so couldn't be called into babysitting duties. I was aad because another cousin who I was close to flew in from US for the wedding & she was also upset I couldn't be there (neither of us could afford then to visit very often, huge cost on both sides)
Yes I was pretty peeved when my DM & DSis reported cousins new family had several young kids there. DCous also mentioned it. It was already done so no point making a fuss.
Yrs later my DAunt asked why we didn't go to their wedding & I told her why, baby not invited/child free etc...she was quietly thoughtful.

Wishingplenty · 26/05/2025 22:01

It is pure selfishness to exclude children. It is absurdly wrong to ban babies from their parents. That's your answer!

ButterBites · 26/05/2025 22:14

BlackLab75 · 26/05/2025 21:33

DH is the bride’s cousin.

Bride told DH the guest had brought their baby as they couldn’t get childcare but to be fair I don’t know if that was planned in advance/the bride had ok’d it or they just turned up. If it was just the bridesmaid’s baby I wouldn’t have given it a second thought but the other guest threw me a bit.

You’re right in that I’m probably BU. I have PND so am a bit prone to looking on the gloomy side at the moment (when we had seen family in the run up nobody was aware it was going to be baby free so it was a bit of a surprise when we got the invite). DH also found it a bit awkward as people kept asking where DD and I were.

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Could be they just brought the baby?

I was at a child free wedding a couple years ago where a couple who were only invited because their mum was close friends with the groom’s mum brought their 3 year old. They didn’t ask or check if it was ok, they just brought her. She was a little terror and during the first dance, she was in the middle of the dance floor trying to dance and stepping on the bride’s dress with her parents just laughing. The couple were fuming!

MarySueSaidBoo · 26/05/2025 22:16

I can understand people not wanting whinging kids in the background during the ceremony but surely the rest of the day should be fair game..... that sucks,OP and I would be taking that very personally too.

ByZanyRubyOrca · 26/05/2025 22:42

Wishingplenty · 26/05/2025 22:01

It is pure selfishness to exclude children. It is absurdly wrong to ban babies from their parents. That's your answer!

Ops wedding was childfree is she selfish?

ByZanyRubyOrca · 26/05/2025 22:45

BlackLab75 · 26/05/2025 21:33

DH is the bride’s cousin.

Bride told DH the guest had brought their baby as they couldn’t get childcare but to be fair I don’t know if that was planned in advance/the bride had ok’d it or they just turned up. If it was just the bridesmaid’s baby I wouldn’t have given it a second thought but the other guest threw me a bit.

You’re right in that I’m probably BU. I have PND so am a bit prone to looking on the gloomy side at the moment (when we had seen family in the run up nobody was aware it was going to be baby free so it was a bit of a surprise when we got the invite). DH also found it a bit awkward as people kept asking where DD and I were.

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Two kids out of however many is fine. If it was like 20 kids I would get it. The people asking your DH where you and the baby were are a bit dense. Surely they would have seen it was Childfree by the invites. It’s not a big deal, just forget it, move on. it wasn’t done on purpose.

Eenameenadeeka · 26/05/2025 23:36

I think that it's obvious to make an exception for the bridal party, and i guess it depends on the relationship with the other guest- maybe it was one of their closest friends? I wouldn't take offense.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 26/05/2025 23:44

We had a child free wedding and a couple did turn up with their baby. That could have looked to others that we said it was ok. But they didn’t ask just did it. Could this have happened and they said to the bride on the day we couldn’t get childcare ?

WhatHaveIDone889 · 27/05/2025 00:14

Ooooh I'd be massively offended. I'm all for child free weddings but this essentially says those guests were more important than you. Bridesmaid, fine. But other random guests? Not cool.

Mama2many73 · 27/05/2025 00:45

Can totally understand that the wedding party guests baby was 'allowed'. As you've said you don't even know if the other parents had asked about bringing their baby or not.

I was at a child free wedding several yrs ago. There was a child as a bridesmaid but that was all. My son was looked after by my DPs.
At the evening do, also child free, a couple bought their 4yr old son because 'they couldn't get a baby sitter' (bride later found out that wasn't true and they hadn't even asked if his parenta/brother could watch him). Both bride and groom were upset by it because they knew others had arranged childcare and how they must be feeling, but neither wanted to make a big fuss at the time. Bride (my friend) later told me she was so angry about it and the attitude of the couple.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset by it but it's done and dusted and nothing good can come from bringing it up. However if, as a pp has mentioned, if you are ever asked why you weren't there I would factually state because it was a child free wedding.

RickiRaccoon · 27/05/2025 00:52

The bride was probably a little annoyed at those people or she wouldn't have brought it up to your DH. At least you respected her wishes.

It reminds me of how my DH will notice other people doing inappropriate things like bringing kids or dogs where they shouldn't and he will point out that those people did it so we could've done it too. I then point out that, no, we are doing the right thing and respecting the host's rules.

Iceandfire92 · 27/05/2025 00:54

JustGiveMeWineNow · 26/05/2025 23:44

We had a child free wedding and a couple did turn up with their baby. That could have looked to others that we said it was ok. But they didn’t ask just did it. Could this have happened and they said to the bride on the day we couldn’t get childcare ?

I would have turned them away at the door or perhaps asked MOH/best man to ask them to leave! The audacity of some people.

mondaytosunday · 27/05/2025 00:59

What if they just showed up with their kids? The bride wouldn’t know until she walked in to the church (or wherever). What is she going to do - toss them out?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/05/2025 01:11

mondaytosunday · 27/05/2025 00:59

What if they just showed up with their kids? The bride wouldn’t know until she walked in to the church (or wherever). What is she going to do - toss them out?

I would've done. That's why CF people rock up with uninvited guests, in the hopes that no one makes a fuss.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2025 08:41

Guessing as a family wedding no relatives to have your dd via dh side - but no one on your side ? Or friends ?

I wouid have left dd happily with babysitters /family for a wedding.

We did at 6mths as evening was childfree

yes ir sucks as found out another baby there not bm one but ‘stray’ baby

WimpoleHat · 27/05/2025 09:13

I bet the bride and groom were just dealing with individual requests as they came in - and they didn’t go back and think “oh - but BlackLab isn’t coming because she isn’t bringing their baby”. I suspect the remark from the bride at the time came because she realised - only at the time - what had happened. It’s a shame, but I wouldn’t take it as a personal snub at all. As others have said, sounds like other people were pushier and not as respectful of the couple and their invitation as you were.