To confront friend?

[bingoludo]

I have a friend who has a 3 year old. We have been friends for a number of years. Before having her child, our friendship dynamic was that she would somewhat take precedence in conversations - like 65%-35% talking about her vs. talking about me. However, she also has a much more dramatic life than me, with a cancer scare, engagement, marriage, the birth of her child all in succession, so it really made sense that with more "updates", we talk about her more. I thought this was circumstantial.

In the first 1.5 years of having her child, I completely arranged myself around her. All of our meet-ups were in her city (usually 5 mins walking distance from her house), at a time that suited her (the baby was considerably more manageable during mornings), doing an activity that suited her. I sincerely didn't mind this whatsoever while she was breastfeeding/ the baby was so small, this seemed like a completely reasonable thing for a friend to do.

Flash forward to now, and I feel myself not enjoying the friendship anymore. I really can't differentiate between whether I am being unreasonable (the child is still only 3), or whether there's some real validity to my complaints. I'd love to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. To lay out the biggest issues I have:

• We still exclusively meet in her city, at a time that suits her. This means I need to wake up early on weekends, commute, meet her for a couple of hours, then go home. I feel frustration that I am still the one doing this, especially as she has a car, while I rely on public transport.

• We still predominantly talk about her. There has not been any dramatic updates beyond the birth, and the usual child updates (i.e. hitting a new milestone). I'm beginning to believe that this isn't circumstantial, but rather her expectation of our friendship. I've had some fairly big updates that I would only get to share for c. 5 minutes, before returning to stories about her child. This is the same online also, with me texting her quite important updates in my life to no reply, then her sending a photo of her daughter doing something expecting a response from me a few days later. I feel awful, but I am completely fatigued hearing about her child. I find it hard to even respond now.

• She occasionally acts unfairly towards me. During the early days of being a mother, I put this down to tiredness and exhaustion. I certainly believe with a 3 year old is still tiring and exhausting, however I'm not sure at what point it's expected that I can stand up for myself. This unfair behaviour is things like snapping at me, or implying my life is easier. It's quite possible my life is easier, but it's really alienating to hear almost every time we meet. I can't really imagine what her goal is beyond making me feel uncomfortable.

If I confront her, I don't even know how. I've never confronted this friend about anything, but other friends in our group have and she hasn't taken it well. (Other friends in our group confronted her about different things).

Should I ride this out for longer? Confront about certain things, but not others? Is this just to be expected? Thank you in advance.

Sounds as though this is just what she's like. I'd either take the friendship as it is or just stop bothering. For me it would be option two.

Sounds like the friendship has run its course. I always think you have to come away from a meet up feeling like your cup has been filled, not depleted.

Seems like you are the one doing all the giving in this relationship. Try to match her energy if you don't want to end the friendship and see where that leads you.

why bother persevering?
She sounds like hard work - do you get any joy/pleasure from the "friendship"?

I think it might be what she is like and I’m not sure I’d bother pointing it out.

You can stand your ground a little by not offering to travel to her (“ sorry it will be hard for me to get away that week, though you are most welcome here”) without the need for a confrontation.

But on the whole it sounds as though you are no longer getting much out of the friendship.

One small defence of her though: we mums tend to have our conversation revolve around our Dc well beyond age 3! 🙊😬

Ask yourself what exactly you get from the friendship.....Then realise that you have better things to do with your time..

Agree with PPs.

Just completely match her effort level and see if she steps up or is willing to let your friendship fizzle.

She’s not a friend.

blank her and move on.

she probably won’t even notice.

I have young DC and I don't expect my friends to always come to me when we meet or at a time that only suits me. We all have different commitments.

Rather than confront her how about just seeing if she will meet you nearer you or halfway. Who usually suggests meet ups? If she suggests meeting you could suggest somewhere near you "this time" or somewhere half way. If she says no you could say let's leave it for another time if you're short of time. Talk about yourself if you feel like it and see how she responds. If she isn't supportive then you could either say something or just don't see her again.

@bingoludo i had a friend like this. I was more family to her than her own family over 20 years and I kept thinking the dynamics would change at some point when the kids were grown up and less drama in her life. Except that never happened and everything had to be on her preferred terms still. Once I proposed a day out somewhere local and she agreed (which she never does) but only if she could bring her 21 year old daughter also which would significantly alter topics I’d feel comfortable talking about. I persevered a while longer but after she snapped at me in my own home for daring to try and relate with a tale of my own re an ex I was struggling to get over after listening to her and repeatedly advising her on yet another DH crisis of hers, I was so upset and after she left realised this relationship did not benefit me at all, it was still just all one way.

Anyway, when she next tried to contact me I was overwhelmed, I hate confrontation amd just couldn’t form a reply without seeming unhinged if I tried to give a reply as it would mean addressing 20years worth of issues! So I just messaged I wasn’t feeling well and would contact her when I was. She rang amd messaged repeatedly for a bit which I know because she was missing her ‘free counselling’ and it wasn’t out of concern for me as when I broke my foot and had a shoulder impingement a year or so ago and hinted I was struggling, she had selective deafness and wouldn’t be interested. So now I think she got the picture and there it went 20:years of a relationship I gave my all to (including money, yes I’m an idiot) and I just wish I’d seen it for what it was sooner. But also glad to never see her again and let myself be treated and used like that again.

She’s an asshole. Relieve yourself of her boring company.

I had a friend like this, I always made allowances but as her child got older and I had mine it didn’t swing the other way.
Emphasis on ‘had’!

In my experience once a pattern is set in a friendship ie you travel to her, you always initiate plans etc it's very difficult to change. People get used to you being accommodating and then take it for granted. They don't usually like it when you try to even it up. If they were the reciprocal kind the dynamic wouldn't form in the first place.

As others have said, match her energy and see what happens or speak to her about it. Your feelings are telling you this friendship isn't nurturing you. Your decision to stay or go.

Also she has form with other friends that have required confrontation. Perhaps consider what attracted you to this sort of person. We often repeat unsatisfactory relationships from childhood without realising it.

Omg, she sounds so boring. Bin her off pronto.

It sounds as if the friendship has run its course. Only you can decide if you want to put the leg work in to try and change that.
Personally I’d step back because it doesn’t sound like you enjoy her company much,

Get rid of her now. Just drop her. She’s a selfish fuck who doesn’t give a toss about u other than using u. I’d rather have no friends than one like her and the older u get u will realise this. btw YOU are a really good friend.

Just drop her. Life’s too short for friendships that make you feel used and frustrated

Yes, it dont see the point of confronting why would it be worth it?

I wouldn’t confront her I’d just stop being so available. There’s no way I would make a long commute to my friends city on public transport to do a child friendly activity so often. And that’s without the snapping and self centred chat.

I could have written your post, I’m dealing with a very similar position at present. The thing is, what would you hope to achieve by “confronting her” she’s not going to suddenly understand and become a brilliant friend is she?
I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge that many friendships last for a season and when that’s over we can quietly let it slip away without drama.
just limit initiation from your end, slower to respond when she initiates and say no to things that don’t suit you without rushing to arrange anything else.

Ah OP you sound absolutely lovely and a brilliant friend, she absolutely doesn't appreciate or deserve you 💐
Agree with others in that she is just using you. She's selfish and in my experience, someone has to be interested to be interesting.

I have removed myself from several women (and former male partners) who only talk about themselves.

It's degrading when you have to wait half hour for them to ask about yourself during a meet up - and know you have to quickly spill it out in less than a minute, because they have only asked so they can talk about their own holiday/night out/children/partner/building work/MIL etc etc 🤨
It's easier as you get older btw.
I like brief interactions with humans whenever possible, but the best company are my pets 😀

I don't think there's any need to 'confront' her. Just let the 'friendship', such as it is, go quietly. If you stop making all the effort then I doubt this woman is going to start propping up a relationship herself. Be unavailable for a while, maybe use the time to build on some other friendships.

I agree with @eldermillenialmum. I would give her a chance and carfully note how she responds.

Next time you arrange a date, just say "How about we meet near me for a change?" (i.e., subtly making it clear you always travel to her), and see how willing she appears. In terms of conversation, say something like "So what do you think about my big news re the new job/home/holiday", and see how she responds. If she glosses over and goes back to talking about herself when you've clearly indicated you're excited about something, that's not a good friendship. Try similar things a couple of times, and if she's not forthcoming, at least you'll feel completely justified to let the friendship fade.

You don't need to 'confront' her. You've just grown apart. See her less often and it will fizzle out.