To think I’ll never get my life back on track?

[Roxietrees]

Sorry if this is long. I’ve had a horrendous three years and I’ve tried so, so hard to be positive and get my life back on track but I just feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I’ve become a complete and utter loser and I’m so deeply ashamed of myself, I dread my son getting older and being ashamed of me.

Three years ago I played sport at a very high level, had a great social life, travelled the world with my sport, had a long-term partner and baby son. Then a series of shitty events happened and everything collapsed around me. I suffered a nasty knee injury, ending my sporting career, as I wasn’t too far off retirement anyway, became very depressed, consequently my partner left me, I became a (part-time) single parent, my ex was impossible to co-parent with and is now trying to take my son away from me completely, I lost a number of close friends who got sick of my depression, even my family have distanced themselves now. I’ve tried to date but I always end up panicking after a week or so and telling them I can’t see them anymore due to trust issues from my relationship with my ex. I’ve had a few different jobs but have trouble holding one down due to my depression. My son is my world. If it wasn’t for him I’m almost certain I would have ended my life by now. I love him more than anything and I do the very best I can for him. Clearly it’s not good enough though because my ex is trying to get custody of him. I have no one or nothing else. I feel abandoned by everyone that used to be in my life, and I don’t blame them. I feel like a pathetic, hopeless loser. Sometimes I realise I’m just watching tv to hear other voices and not to feel so alone. I want go back to uni to retrain as a nurse but I hate myself for letting my life get so bad that every time I try and look into it I’m overcome with such intense self-hatred and hopelessness I end up crying and being unable to do it. I know all this sounds so pathetic. I’d really love to learn how I could get my life back on track, meet new people, learn to be happy again. I think my depression is caused by my situation, I think if my situation improved my depression would too. Any advice appreciated :)

I’m not much good with advice. But you sound like a lovely mum who is very much needed by her little boy. You can’t focus too much on what you ex is doing. Just focus on your boy and talk to the GP about getting some support with your mental health l.

You've had a horrible few years, I'm sorry. Have you been to see your GP? They can help you sort therapy, which would be beneficial both for your depression overall and also your fears about relationships. You could also discuss medication with them if that is something you feel could be useful.

Have a look for a coffee or book group near you, this is a great (low pressure!) way to get out of the house and meet new people. What area are you in? Someone on here might be able to suggest a group near you.

In terms of jobs, you might find it helpful to start small to ease yourself back into working again, before thinking about retraining. Would something like care work appeal? It will be useful experience too, if you'd like to get into nursing, and you'd be around people and be making a difference. Or working in a care home, where you'd also be around other staff members perhaps of a more similar age to you.

Hey hey hey there is some language in that OP that is very self damaging!!

It honestly reads to me that you have to redirect - that's all. You had a trajectory, but tragically that was derailed by your accident. You now must figure out your next trajectory, making sure that it ticks boxes for you.

Why can't you become a nurse??

This is what life is made of! Thinking we have it made but then something happening that changes everything - I call them sidewinders - they come into my day absolutely unbidden, but there they are and it is my task to respond to them. As I get older, I get better and better at responding to sidewinders.

You need a new trajectory that's all, one that means something to you.

And you need to learn how to run those dogs in your head - they will run wild if YOU don't collar them. Try meditation and positive affirmations - honestly. Learn how to self soothe, learn how to get ups and get things done no matter how you feel, learn how to talk really nicely to yourself in your head throughout the day. See the difference it makes (one of the greatest truths in life).

You sound young. You have a long way to go then. Don't throw it all away feeling shit when you could help yourself; apply your shoulder to the problem of your mindset and wrestle a change out of it. Remember that 90 year old New York lady dishing out life advice before she died? Top of the list was 'life isn't fair, but it's still good.' That applies to you. Losing your sport wasn't fair, but life is good in other ways. Get out there and find them x

You've had a series of painful and possibly traumatic events, and lost two of the most major things in your life, no wonder you're struggling.

Yes I think you can rebuild something new and good. (I don't think "on track" or "off track" is really the most helpful way to view life, it sounds more about comparison with others or with some some ideal, and is too narrow for all the complex paths life can take.)

I'd try to find ways to work on your grief and depression. And at the same time, break down the changes you want to make into some small and achievable steps.

I found the book "why has nobody told me this before" was helpful for sensible mental health advice.

Your post and your feelings resonate hugely - sending solidarity and a virtual hug.

I have little advice to offer except take one day at a time and hard as it is try and tell those inner voices to pipe down. (I do know just how hard that is.)

I hope things change for you in the near future. I hope you can be as kind to yourself as I would like to be to you if I was your friend.

When life throws lemon after lemon as you, lemonade seems like poison, and you want to fling it in the face of everyone offering such platitudes. Sometimes I allow myself a proper tantrum, to get some of the rage out (privately of course).

Anyway, just wanted to say I hear you. Things will change. They always do.

I hope you're ok. Some of what you are describing chimes with me. I have a few thoughts (but am struggling to apply them all to myself!). Definitely check in with GP and any other services. (If your ex is trying to get custody of your child, be really open with GP/health visitors/other mental health or addiction services. When people reach out and engage, that is seen as (and is!) a huge positive. I also think you are experiencing trauma and grief, and those are causing you to disconnect from people and things that used to give you joy. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy as we disengage to protect ourselves from more feelings of shame, but then we just feel more ashamed, more joyless, and more lonely. I wonder if it might help to let a few trusted people know how you are feeling and some of what you are fearing. You might be surprised by their positive responses. Another thought I had today was that I'm just not enjoying things I think I "should" enjoy. Which is just another way of beating myself up. Recently I started teaching myself a musical instrument using some books, and it felt good to get out of my head a bit. Another idea might be to learn some long lyrics or a poem off by heart, or any other new activity or easy skill. Please do seek GP or mental health support, but also allow yourself time and space to keep moving through your trauma and grief. New moments will arrive, and change of all kinds will come. If you are cycling up a hill, you just need to find strength for one wee turn of the pedal, and you are moving forwards and upwards.

You don’t sound like a loser to me, but a very accomplished individual who loves her son!
Injury is hard on any sports person, especially a career ending one. Go easy on yourself, I recommend therapy, it did wonders for me.

Can you do another sport which won’t aggravate the knee?

Also, this is a longshot idea, but it just occurred to me that in your post you have talked in quite rigid/black-and-white terms about why things have happened in your life, and in my experience, life is rarely so simple! If you are trying therapy, you could consider some CBT to help you unpick some of those ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that you might be carrying. Also, I find that many successful individuals (think music and sport) are also neurodivergent. The hyperfocus and rigid planning and determination to achieving goals is a huge advantage. But negative aspects can also creep in when this hyperfocus is removed or when life changes in other ways (like having a child!). Depression and anxiety are also more common among people with autism and ADHD, and sometimes another mental health diagnosis is given, and the ND stuff lies undiscovered. Nothing you wrote indicates you are ND, but around 50% of us are, so it's often worth having a think about, if it helps you understand yourself better!

Thank you so much to everyone for these helpful replies. A lot to think about :) and nice to hear that perhaps I’m being a bit hard on myself. I think what I’ve found difficult is the idea that we’re in control of our own lives and good choices make for happiness etc, when I haven’t felt I could control any of the things that have happened to me. But I guess it’s more about controlling how you react to rubbish life events that you can’t control and accepting that life will be different now and trying to make the best of that

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time OP. I think you're totally right that most of this has been outside of your control and it's about just learning how to navigate from where you are. I'm in a totally different but similarly difficult and isolating situation and that's how I'm viewing it.

Start where you are and do what you can with what you have.

Firstly, I am truly sorry one event triggered how your life has taken a turn. You must be pretty young still and have your precious son. Have you been to the gp for any help? You really do need help if you haven't sought any with medication and therapy. There is something called Talking Therapy and it is done via phone calls and is a self-referral service. It incoporates CBT too and I did this 5 years ago. Your gp can give you details sbout it. You are not a loser at all and have a wonderful son who loves his mummy, have had a career which you've loved and has enabled you to travel to places. That is a lot already in your life. You do need to get more help and maybe contact a support line or any groups in your area for depression or talk to the mental health nurse too at your doctors. The nurse at my dr's was very empathetic and had suggestions when I spoke to her. The sad part is seeing those who you thought were truly there, a partner, family and good friends, leave you when times are the worst for you. You can change your life and achieve your ambitions of being a nurse. Your ex sounds like he wasn't a good person and not loving when you needed him and now trying to say he will take your son away. This would be incentive enough to seek help from the gp and get help for your depression to not let the ex think you not caring well for your son. Please, make an appointment to see your gp, look up some support groups for depression and know you are worthy and sound like a lovely person. Therapy can help with your trust issues too. Believe you are worthy and deserving of the life you want.