AIBU for calling for help

[redsky223]

Sorry it’s a long one but I’d really appreciate some honest advice and outside perspective.

My partner and I had an argument last night – it started after he came home from the pub (he’d had about 5 or 6 drinks) and wanted to order a takeaway. We couldn’t agree on what to get – I didn’t fancy what he suggested, and I didn’t want to leave the house to collect anything as I was about to shower. It felt like a small disagreement, but it escalated quickly. He said I always get my own way and he never gets what he wants.

He ended up grabbing his keys and driving off. I tried to stop him as I knew he’d been drinking, but I couldn’t follow him as our toddler was asleep upstairs. I panicked and called his mum for advice, hoping she might be able to help or calm things down. He came back about 10 minutes later – turns out he’d only driven to the local shop around 30 seconds down the road. I contacted his mum to let her know he was home safe, and thought it best to avoid any further discussions when he arrived home.

I will add he has always been against drink driving and won’t even drive after 1 drink normally, so this behaviour really shocked me.

This morning, he brought me flowers and apologised for how he reacted, but when I told him I’d called his mum, he completely lost it. He said I’d crossed a line and that I’d now damaged his relationship with his parents. For context, he is close to them, but has said before he finds it frustrating when they get too involved. He was especially angry that his dad has now cancelled plans with him and won’t speak to him because of what happened.

He has always had issues with alcohol (not an alcoholic, it just doesn’t agree with him as it can make him aggressive and emotional) It’s been a long time since anything like this has happened. He hardly drinks anymore since we had our child, and he really has tried hard to improve his relationship with alcohol. His parents are particularly upset because there have been issues in the past when he’s been drinking – it’s led to arguments with them and damage to their home. He also once punched a door in our house during an argument, so I think they’re just really upset and worried that things are slipping backwards.

He’s now ended our relationship and told me he doesn’t want to be around me right now. He’s asked me to leave the house for a night or two to give him space – but he wants our child to stay with him. I’ve never spent a night away from our toddler and I don’t feel comfortable with this as I want to keep things as normal as possible for them. I said I would go if it were just me, but I don’t think it’s right to separate like that without explanation or preparation.

I’ve already spoken to his mum and apologised for calling her – I even told her I’d overreacted – but she was lovely and said I should never feel bad for reaching out and that I could always call them. Still, I feel awful that it’s caused such tension between them, and I do feel partly responsible for getting his parents involved.

I just feel totally stuck and unsure what the right thing is. I never expected something so small to turn into this.

Was I unreasonable for calling his mum? Is he unreasonable for ending our relationship and blaming me for the issues caused?

Cheeky fucker

OHHH lol that makes so much more sense

So he's laying this all on you? None of this is your fault. None of it. I would be asking him to leave, even if it was his house.

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I guess I am just doubting myself, I know I shouldn’t have called his mum, I just panicked and knowing there was very little I could do I was hoping for some help/advice/support - I was very upset just thought I could never live with myself if something terrible happened and I’d just sat back, although I do know there is very little she could have done to help. Like I say I just panicked as it was a very stressful and emotional situation.

In regards to his drinking, he is a social drinker. He never drinks at home and doesn’t drink much when he is with me or his family, but his friends are all big drinkers and it’s very much a big part of his social life. Pretty much everything they do involves alcohol. I’m not making excuses, just adding some context. He is a binge drinker when he is with his friends, once he starts he struggles to stop. However when he is just with me he can quite easily have one or two and go home.

Thankfully he is an absolutely brilliant dad, he doesn’t drink around our child and has never done anything to suggest he would put them in any kind of danger. This is the first time he’s done anything like this since we had our child.

I just wish he would take some accountability, but I think people are right that he’s projecting his shame/anger on to me as that’s easier than facing up to what he’s done. He’s still adamant that this is all my fault and that I should leave, but as it stands I am still at home. He said that if I plan on staying then I should start contributing half of everything financially. I said then I’ll have to go back to work full time at see if we can put our child in nursery full time (he currently goes 2 days a week and has 1 day with our MIL), and he said this is fine.

I am worried about what the future holds. I can’t afford to live by myself while working part time. My parents don’t have room for us to move in with them as they have recently downsized.

I can’t stop thinking about all the things our child is going to miss out on now, and how much their life is going to change. That’s what’s really hurts the most.

Point out and make clear that if you put DC in nursery full-time he pays half the fees as you are both at work and taking advantage of the nursery place equally. You are both parents of the child.

How did this conversation come about? Seems a bit convenient to distract from his responsibility and accountability.

It also feels like he's punishing you and doesn't care about the consequences to your child.

It's worrying that he doesn't value your non financial contributions.

Have you talked about what happens if your income is less than his when working full time, are you still expected to contribute exactly half despite having a lower income, rather than a proportional arrangement?

As @Grammarnut said, make sure the childcare costs are shred equally as well as all household chores etc

Once you're working full time you might want to reconsider the relationship and if you really want a future with such a man.

“He said that if I plan on staying then I should start contributing half of everything financially”

So he’s using his shitty dangerous (illegal and immoral) behaviour and your perfectly reasonable response to it as a stick to beat you with now?? Bloody hell, don’t stand for that!

I'm not sure why your husband is insisting that you go back to work full-time as punishment for phoning his mum when he deliberately drove while drunk. Was this something that had been previously discussed?

I see very little evidence that he is a 'wonderful dad', when he is using him as a pawn to punish you as I'm pretty sure that he expects you not to want to put your child in full-time nursery.

You seem to be making lots of excuses for his awful behaviour. You may be better off separating but you shouldn't be the one to leave the house.

Completely agree with this. You should not be doubting yourself, you did nothing wrong calling his mum, he scared you and you needed help. He is not an absolutely brilliant dad and he is clearly not as fine with the drinking as you're now telling yourself. You are making excuses for him and I think you know it, but hopefully you'll get good advice and support in IRL and sense and your self-preservation will prevail as time passes and you get a handle on the situation and take less of his shit. Definitely don't be pushed around by him re. the house. He does not have your best interests at heart so don't let him take control.

You cannot say in one sentence that he is a social drinker, then say he is a binge drinker.

he clearly has alcohol issues and you are making it sound better than it is.

Of course you will survive by yourself working part time, as you will claim Universal Credit and get help with rent - that's what help is for, to help until you are full time.
and depending on child's age there is help towards Nursery fees too.

and don't forget you will get CMS from him.

He clearly resents you being part time.

You did the right thing and it sounds like he has decent parents.

He seems to have issues with alcohol that he’s trying to minimise under “ social drinking” but his parents see through that it seems

Tell him it won't be his mum the next time he chooses to get behind the wheel while drunk, it'll be the police.

This new punishment threat of not financially supporting you is a way of controlling you and making you back down and ‘know your place’ OP. My abusive ExDH used tactics like this all the time and I was so confused always wondering if I was actually in the wrong, as I’d never treat someone I loved like that.

It’s not you - It’s him!

He doesn't seem like a safe person to raise your child with. Any responsible person who has that reaction to alcohol would become teetotal, but he has the alalcohol's reaction of blaming you.

I think you’re all right, I am making excuses for him. I guess it’s because there’s two sides to him, there’s this side that’s coming out now which is incredibly selfish, spiteful, bitter and angry. Then there’s another side to him, which is funny, caring, thoughtful and loving and that’s what I’m clinging on to (but here I am making excuses for making excuses!)

When I mentioned he’s a social drinker, I just meant that he only drinks socially (not at home alone) and can go months and months without having a drink at all, but he definitely had a problem yes.

If anyone has any advice in regards to next steps that would be really helpful please as I don’t really have a clue where to start. I will obviously do some proper research tonight and reach out to family and friends when I’m ready, but any pointers in the right direction would be really appreciated in terms of separating/finances/housing/solo parenting etc.

Thanks again.

It's good that you're seeing that, and the two sides is very common of course - if they were arseholes all the time, you'd never put up with it, but the nice side means that you fall for them and then get in this state of confusion, holding out for the person you thought they were or person they could be if you can fix them and so it spirals. Clinging onto it is understandable but doesn't help because he doesn't want to change and you can't change him not matter how much love you give. He'll only grind you down. The Relationships board on here is full of good advice and support for situations like this so you might want to post on there and/or have a look at other threads there as it's a different vibe from AIBU and people get support over months and even years sometimes.

You don't have to do as he asks, he didn't listen to you when he got in the car, drunk.
He's feeling bad about his actions and your reminding him of what he's done. He might want to just feel sorry for himself and have a cuddle with his kid to feel better. Or, he might get mad drunk and do something dangerous, this is how HE has made you feel, by HIS actions. His anger towards you is to take heat off himself. Point it out every time he tells you to leave, don't apologise to him or his parents for your (pretty tame, should have phoned police) reaction. I totally get it. Everyone has to capacity to be endearing, funny and caring, but his actions also could have caused terrible damage at very least. You don't know how many near misses or road rage incidents happened on his short drunk journey. These are not your fault or problem, don't take them on.

If he was that caring, thoughtful and kind he'd be that way ALL the time. It shouldn't be something that can be switched on and off. Using your child as a pawn in his emotional blackmail is a disgrace, is it in their best interests to be in nursery full time just because he drank and drove??

You're right, OP, people are rarely black and white. They often have both good and bad elements. But your partner's behaviour really isn't acceptable at all and, whether you want to use the terms or not, he is a violent alcoholic. I'll say this again, as you don't seem to see the truth of it - you did nothing wrong by calling his mum.

He also seems to be punishing you by blaming you unfairly for his parents disapproval of his latest act.

It is not fair for you to pay 50% of the household bills when you only work 3 days per week. He is threatening you with financial punishment if you don't do as you're told and leave the house. A good father wouldn't do this to the mother of his child, regardless of what he thought of her as an individual.

However, it is excellent that you are already in work, so you have something of your own. If you separate at some point, you will be eligible for child maintenance from your ex, child benefit (if you're not already claiming that - and if you're not, you should put in your claim immediately) and, if your savings and salary are low enough, universal credit (which will also pay for up to 85%, or £1,031.88 per assessment period, of childcare costs). There are online benefit calculators like Turn2Us to help you identify what you may be eligible for, or you could speak to someone at a Citizens Advice Bureau, or a women's charity like Women's Aid.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#recognise-domestic-abuse

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

How can you not read the writing on the wall here? You are in a relationship with a man who binge drinks, drink drives, punishes you for the facts about his behavior coming to his family’s attention, and then orders you out of the joint house and demands you abandon your child to him.

This is completely unacceptable behavior on his part. He has shown you who he is but you seem to think there is some way to comply with him, to lie flatter.

Start realizing that he is not a good person—whether its because of the drinking or his shame filled relationship with his parents he is unable to control the impulse to attack you through your child when he feels anxious and ashamed. He is weaponizing your finances and your child to manage his shame. And he is absolutely unselfconscious and unreflective about doing it. This wasn’t just a one time hangover shitty thought. He has continued it by insisting you go back to work earlier than you intended.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position. Don’t let it cloud your judgement. Start making plans to free yourself and your child. He is only going to get worse as he seems to be unable to accept responsibility for any of his (bad) actions. So he will not truly self reflect and correct.

I think its very significant that he tried to order you to leave your son with him. He seems to want a boy’s fantasy of life without constricting and overbearing mummy ruining everything. Be very careful. Watch what he does and not what he says.