8 year old thinks he is ugly & I feel at a loss

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

Posting in AIBU for the traffic as I am at a loss & need support

I have a gorgeous 8 year old boy turning 9. We live in Australia so lots of nationalities and different looking kids.

When he was a baby he had plagiocephaly (head a little uneven on one side from sleep position, but you can’t tell anymore). It is a long story but due to waiting lists by the time we saw someone his bones had set.
I ended up seeing someone privately. I didn’t realise the extent of it and I was sleep deprived and it’s all a blur - probably didnt do the sleep positioning and neck exercises with enough diligence as I didn’t understand entirely the urgency and link between tight neck and sleep positioning. Plus he was so active and had such upper body strength I sort of felt like he was doing the work - physiotherapist agreed when he was a baby. She said not to worry and to just get his little ear fixed when he was older - it’s a tiny bit wonky. I think we required more opinions though early on and help. Feel enormous guilt.

Plastic surgeon said my son’s ear is permanently a little sticky out but that you will hardly notice as he gets older. He is now 8 and it’s a bit stuck out on one side. His head shape is probably slightly uneven but you would never notice as has thick hair and it is not that uneven. . His eye on the same side is also a bit smaller due to mild ptosis - I have looked at Harry styles and it’s not that dissimilar to his asymmetry. The ophthalmologist said it is not that noticeable at all. His GP assures me these things aren’t noticeable enough to get teased. Ear and eye can be fixed with minor operation (ear would be very minor day surgery at this age I think) but I don’t really want to do this unless he says

Son is gorgeous - I know I am bias but he has tiny button nose, thick glossy brown hair, he has a square jaw line, green iridescent unusual eyes that glisten and have flecks of blue and gold. I stress to him looks aren’t important but also remind him he is gorgeous.

Lately He has been extremely down about looks. He says his eye really bothers him - more noticeable when tired. He says that he is ugly and doesn’t like his freckles - he tan on body but face hs light golden freckle on nose (they are adorable) and have spread further on cheeks for our summer. He has two dark brown spots close to ear that he hates. He says he looks ugly wearing the school hat. He is very concerned what girls think - one girl told him he was fat or had a fat nose when he told her he had a crush on her.

DS refusing to wear hat at school as said he looks ugly. He also doesn’t like that his legs aren’t thin like most little boys. He’s sturdy, on the taller side with square shoulders & legs ever so slightly stockier. His Gp not concerned about weight but I do have him enrolled in lots of sport and am cooking more veggies as he is self conscious & probably at higher end (always has been since baby).

It breaks my heart seeing his confidence be impacted and thinking he ugly - his words.

My ex husband is not helpful or supportive and traditional catholic. He wants to home school our son and says it’s my fault for not letting him have authority over these matters. Basically says this is a consequence of sending him to school with children who these days would be a bad influence & what I let him watch. If I go to him for support he basically says this is because I’m not raising him the correct way and he told me so. He also said to just never mention these issues again unless my child does (which he does) and seems like he just wants to ignore the issue.

I am trying to support my son alone but it’s really hard. He doesn’t seem to believe my reassurance or speeches on unique beauty and looks being not that important and everyone having differences. It doesn’t seem to impact him positively.

DS is seeing a psychologist but the sessions are very slow moving - we haven’t got into anything that deep yet & they’re also very expensive.

I would be so appreciative of support

He is beautiful & the eye think is only sometimes noticeable and looks like he is giving a flirty subtle wink when it is noticeable. He’s so lovely & it is painful to see him be so anxious and depressed.

Bumping as am really wanting support

I can't say lots to help but you're doing the right thing with getting him professional help, and also with taking this seriously. I don't agree with your husband. School can be brutal but that doesn't mean taking him out is the answer. Have you spoken to his teacher or anyone at school about this? They can then be on the lookout for any bullying or problematic situations. They could also do things to address looks and shallow judgements about them at school.

Have you said his eyes are like Harry Styles? Given that many people adore him that might make some impact.

I do think continuing to tell him you love him and that he looks lovely and gorgeous is useful - even if he doesn't rate it as highly as judgements from other people, it's important for kids to know their mum loves them unconditionally.

Poor boy and poor you. I tell young mothers that parenthood is a roundabout of guilt, you want to do it perfectly and no one ever does.When you get over hitting yourself for one thing along comes another issue to give you sleepless nights. From what you say you are doing all you can, reassurance counselling etc. what I would not put up with for a nano second is the attitude of your husband and frankly from what you say he needs a good talking to.
Are you frightened of him? Perhaps some marriage counselling where you are supported in being able to talk to him would help. You both need to be on the same page in supporting your son not at loggerheads.

Also, maybe see someone yourself to talk through your guilt over his issues when he was a baby. It's not your fault, you did the best you could at the time, and there's no knowing how it would have turned out anyway. Maybe talking it through with Chat GPT would help if you can't afford more therapy right now?

OP I didn't want to read and run. Two things spring to mind, firstly what you say about your husband's attitude. This sounds really unhelpful and like a big drain on your strength. Is he supportive in other ways?

Regarding your son, something I have noticed is around 8 some boys do seem to wobble a bit emotionally (I have 4 boys aged 13, 11, 8 & 6) and need a bit of extra attention/moral support. I spent part of last winter doing a Big Life Journal with my 8 year old, to bolster his self esteem. It's a slow process, but you can definitely help them a lot at this age just by being emotionally available, spending time, praising them, letting them take the lead in conversations and talking things through.

Regarding his looks, I suppose the option to go for surgery or not should be his choice, but something you can research and discuss together. Learning to be happy in your own skin is the most valuable achievement of all, if you can manage it!

Try sending himto drama or sports to build confidence

This sounds very sad and very tough for you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Where do you think he has got these ideas from? Is it school? Can the teachers help? What does he love doing and what is he good at? Can you boost his confidence in other areas so he knows he is great at certain activities or behaviours and can focus on that which is more important than looks? Haven't purchased them but I am sure there are mindfulness/self esteem boosting journal type things (have seen advertised on Facebook I think) and things like life lessons mind ninja (or something like that) which is videos and online activities to boost confidence and redirect negative thoughts - maybe look out for something like that which he would maybe engage with

You mentioned a load of potential issues with his appearance, his ear, eye, shape of head, but he wasn't teased about these things.

It's obvious you have a lot of excessive guilt and even without these issues he could have been teased and his confidence could have been low.

I think the issues you described could be a red herring.

Instead of focusing on all the things you didn't or couldn't do when he was younger, focus on building confidence and resilience in your ds now.

Find sports, hobbies, clubs etc he's interested in.

There are plenty of people who seen as gooking who have imperfections, and plenty of people who are confident with imperfections.

This is really good https://thewell-beingcollective.medium.com/how-to-respond-to-a-pre-teen-who-thinks-she-is-ugly-c9d3c942dce4

Sorry you are going through this.
Worth pointing out self confidence does make conventionally unattractive people appear good looking. You don’t need to get hung up his appearance. Don’t qualify his features - only point out the unequivocal good bits and just as conversation not as judgements.

He’s young to be this worried about what others think of his looks. Is his life pressured in other ways? His dad sounds difficult. Is their opportunity just to build fun into his day.

It’s horrible to watch your child struggle and the guilt if what you “could” have done differently is part of that. Just be his mum, his number one supporter, cuddle him loads. Have faith that he will find his own happiness outside of you and the family in his friends and hobbies and interests. Things do change.

Were there a lot now drs appointments?
A lot of discussion in front of him about what was "wrong" with him?

I only ask as i have a very noticeably asymmetrical face fus to birth issues but didnt realise until i was late teens...

I agree with others drama might be good and possibly a team sport.

Thankyou @Mandylovescandy these are great practical suggestions that hadn’t occured to me.

@BusyExpert this perfect sums up motherhood - a roundabout of guilt. This means a lot, thankyou.

@PullTheBricksDown yes I’ve mentioned Harry and others eg pointed out football players have bigger legs and what those legs do. Thankyou for validating my approach.

I think I will get his ear fixed as it seems to be a minor operation.

His eye isn’t that noticeable and it’s also a minor operation but it’s still surgery so I will leave this to him - plus I think he’ll realise it’s no big deal.

The freckles aren’t a big deal and are cute.

His Dad and I are divorced and he doesn’t like to visit him. He feels guilt about this. His Dad is extremely religious and catholic & regimented and strict. He went though a phase of coming here unannounced and it caused DS significant anxiety.

I

Thankyou your support, I have to go to bed as it’s very late here but this has eased my anxiety and really helped.

AlorsTimeForWine · Today 17:07

“Were there a lot now drs appointments?
A lot of discussion in front of him about what was "wrong" with him?
I only ask as i have a very noticeably asymmetrical face fus to birth issues but didnt realise until i was late teens...
I agree with others drama might be good and possibly a team sport “ (quote I forgot to add & am replying to below)

He plays alot of sport and I have been sure to praise and is also very good at art.

I don’t think he picked up at doctors as I always wrote down.

I did mention when he was m younger about his eye being ever so slightly smaller in a minor way and how we all have little things. I said this to make it not appear a big deal and so he saw it as a normal thing & was used to it and wasn’t shocked if a child said it to him or saw it as a negative. I think this was a stupid thing to say to a very little boy & I didn’t handle it well.

I feel overwhelmed a lot and like I constantly make mistakes parenting and don’t have the support or advice. This has felt like a huge deal but I feel most people have been dismissive.

The eye is a very minor thing - it’s just a slightly lower eyelid when tired.

I feel intense anxiety writing about this. It’s a major issue for me.

Oh this is really sad, he's a gorgeous little fella that just can't see it himself.

The negativity has to have started somewhere - has he overhead husband parents, doctors etc?

Where does he get his confidence from?

Does he know what he's good at?

Is it highlighted often enough so that it's reinforced frequently? (Could be as simple as you are a really good friend, your really good at sharing, your teacher says you are very good in class etc?)

Is he creative, musical, artistic, academic, sociable, sporty etc?

Is there anything in that list that he enjoys, and makes him happy that could be used to build up his confidence?

Speech & Drama, Debating, Self Defence, etc are all highly recommended to build up a child's confidence.

What is your partner's relationship with him? It's proven that child seek their greatest confirmation from their same sex parent? Is his dad good to him, does he spend time with him, tell him he loves him, that he's proud of him? does he built his confidence? There's something about your post that makes me think his father is far from encouraging and it might be worth reminding him the role he needs to play on building his confidence.

Sorry I posted about his dad without seeing your post.

He may actually be damaging his little boys confidence without even realising.

We have had a difficult time. I left his Dad due to domestic violence.

I think that he is very interested in girls and always has been. The girl he liked didn’t like him back, and a few mean comments from girls at school, he’s been self conscious and noticed he isn’t “skinny” like other boys.

I feel like I have said all the things & been encouraging and enrolled in sports and many things. He told me the other day I had a big nose & I said I thought I was beautiful with it and did my best to not react.

I feel like I’m really trying to say and do all the things but falling short.

His Dad is very stoic and probably wouldn’t tell him that he’s handsome - I’m not sure. DS definitely wouldn’t go to him about these issues.

Good post. I think your misplaced guilt is making you paranoid about his appearance, OP. Get some help for yourself, and focus on building his resilience and self-esteem.

Thankyou so much, I will, I think you are 100% right. I see my guilt in these very minor flaws.

Thankyou, I’m going to concentrate my energies into this. He is a very active little boy and loves kayaking, fishing, soccer… I will keep building on these things :)

really appreciate the Mum support, thankyou !

This article IS really good! Thanks for sharing @KurtShirty

thewell-beingcollective.medium.com/how-to-respond-to-a-pre-teen-who-thinks-she-is-ugly-c9d3c942dce4

Sounds like this is a lot about you too OP
You sound pretty hard on yourself...

This is beautiful. Thankyou. Appreciate.

I am finally off to bed but thankyou - you have no idea the dark cloud you have all taken off me this evening and the plan you have helped me put in place to move forward.

I have obvious congenital facial asymmetry. I agree with pp that the very minor asymmetries you describe and feel guilty about aren't the issue here, and would echo the pp who didn't share the childhood insecurities you're describing despite much more noticeable facial difference. I'm not sure what is actually going on for your son, but your guilt about not doing everything absolutely perfectly when he was a baby is not constructive and is hurting you. Try to let it go love 🌷

When DS1 was the same age, he went through a few years of thinking he was ugly and being very upset about it. Every day he'd tell me his legs were too thin, his skin was the wrong colour, his face was ugly etc. Interestingly, like your son, he also had a father who was largely absent and very critical - both of DS1 and of my parenting skills.

Anyhow, rightly or wrongly I decided not to spend too much time focusing on his looks but instead to bolster his self-belief. So when he'd tell me he was ugly I'd say "well I think you're very handsome" and then breezily move onto something else - "now come and help me prepare dinner, I know you're really good at chopping veggies". When praising him I'd concentrate on how kind, helpful, funny, interesting etc he was. When talking about other people I would never make any comment about their height/weight/looks but about their personalities.

As others have said, drama, sport or really any group activity he enjoys will help him, over time, become comfortable in his own skin. Scouting was great for DS1: it's not fashion-based, it's not on screens, it's a lot of outdoor activities designed to build resilience.

Now he's a very happy, kind, caring, successful 28 year old. I don't think he ever really thinks about his looks.

Meant to say...so don't despair! Things do change. Your little boy is still so young.

It's awful when our kids are unhappy and we can't fix it. However, firstly ignore your unsupportive ex, they always want to blame the Mum for every little thing..
My youngest son was 10lbs at birth and looked 4 at aged 2, people used to ask me what was wrong with him, he was just a 2 year old in a 4/5 year old body! He also had a stigmatism in one eye only noticeable when tired, stocky legs, and a bump on his ear.
He was/ is a great footballer, all round good at sport, used to put a bit of weight on then have a growth spurt and repeat.
He is now tall, athletic and girls love him 😂.Still has the same eyes, ears and legs.
I guess your son has taken to heart what kids have said to him but all you can do is what you're already doing so well, love him, listen to him and support him.
Apparently boys get really hormonal at 8 so it might get better hopefully soon.💕