Would you have a problem with this language around 6 year old?

[Dinkydonkeydoo]

I really don't like how DH speaks around our 6 year old sometimes. He says a lot of stuff in jest, but DS is too young to know the difference. For example, earlier DH commented that something "was a bit gay". I pulled him up on that, but apparently I'm being "over the top" and too precious. It's not language I want DS using...I think it's disrespectful and rude and not something I want him saying around school. Am I wrong??

I'm always met with this challenge. He (DH) can be quite rude about people, like calling someone "fat", and I find myself immediately saying things like "it's not kind to comment on people's body shape"...I just want DS to grow up respectful, but I'm losing sight of what that means now. Am I being too precious?!

Nope I do exactly the same to my dh. He knows better than to make those comments. I can't stand casual homphobic comments - mine are now teens and does seem to be an issue in high school

No, I wouldn't be happy with that kind of language being used around 6yo, but I also wouldn't be happy with being married to a homophobic man full stop. Whether he used that kind of language in front of a 6yo or not.

Your DH sounds awful. I wouldn’t be married to someone happy to be rude about others appearances and happy to use homophobic language like that, very unattractive traits,

Yes that’s not on at all. Unfortunately my 7 year old hears that sort of thing at school, we definitely have a higher bar at home.

Use it as a teaching moment for DCs.

DH: that’s a bit gay.
You: what an odd thing to say, i didn’t know the sink had romantic feelings. We don’t use gay as an insult in this house.

DH: look at the size of her!
you: it’s not really polite to comment on someone’s size or shape. I like her shoes though.

Had he changed? Otherwise why did you marry a homophobe?

Casual homophobia will get him into a world of trouble when he goes to school. I gave someone a detention last week for saying “that’s so gay”.

I would have a problem with it. yes.

Has he not grown up yet? 'That's so gay' was an insult in the 90s, you'd think a grown man would have a better range of vocabulary by now.

No I wouldn't like that OP - neither my partner or I would dream of saying things like that (in general, not just around our six year old).

I wouldn't have bred with an idiot like this. You can't stop him being an idiot, unfortunately. But you can choose to have higher standards yourself.

Does your husband realise that if your son were to repeat this in school, he'd be in big trouble? It's not fair for a 6 year old to hear unacceptable language in the home that he may repeat outside.

Gay should not be used as an insult.

Never mind the 6 year old I wouldn't allow that around me. Gross.

I would have a problem with that language around anyone, of any age. It needs a private conversation with your husband in which you tell him that you would rather not argue with him in front of your child but, if he uses casual hate-speak (whether he defends it as a joke or not), you will argue with him because it is more important to you that your son grows up understanding that some attitudes are completely unacceptable and some “jokes” are not jokes.

Is your husband generally a person of poor character or do you think he just lacks intelligence to put sufficient thought into the meaning of his words and the values he conveys to his child? I guess I’m really asking whether he’s a bad person or just a bit thick? Those are the only two reasons I can think of for that sort of behaviour.

Definitely wouldn't be happy with it, and it would put me off DH that he uses casual homophobia and doubles down when you call him out for it. I'd use it as a way to teach your son as PP have said.

Saying “thats so gay” isn’t any different to changing the word gay to Jewish, black, asian, disabled etc. The big issues are he may repeat it at school and we would rightly then be in trouble for homophobia, it also shows he is actively being taught that gay is bad or less than, so he is more likely to become a homophobic adult or teen, and if he himself is gay it will cause a world of trouble for his own self worth. The same with fat, it could lead to him calling other children fat and getting into trouble.

I wouldn’t keep that sort of company in the first instance. Naturally a child’s father will have a huge influence on them, so you’ll need to decide what to do for the best.

YANBU. It's parents like your DH that raise bullies.

Tell him his son might be gay (you wouldn't know yet) and therefore he will internalise self-hate because of those comments. Even if he's not gay he will be ostracised from intelligent people if he talks like his dad.

You're going to have your work cut out OP. Because this isn't about the language your DC learns, it's about the values. You can jump in and correct your H for saying gay or fat, and you might even be able to get him to stop using those words. But I don't fancy your chances of teaching him a whole new set of values at his age, and that's what's going to influence your son.

YANBU that is a terrible example to be setting, not just homophobic but also toxic masculinity. Very important this is nipped in the bud

I'm struggling with trying to unlearn these behaviours in my youngest daughter who is friends with a lot of loutish boys with quite nasty parents (shes "one of the boys" so to speak) but a lot of their behaviours have rubbed off on her

I would certainly have a problem with it.

Sit him down, read him the riot act about it. If he disagrees, leave and take your son with you.

no I wouldn’t allow that around my child from anyone but I also wouldn’t have married someone homophobic to begin with