Is it me or is it MIL

[Arghagh]

I need to know if I’m in the wrong here and would love to know what others would do or how they would feel in my shoes.

For a bit of context my MIL is overbearing and for my own mental health I’ve had to reduce my contact with PIL and not see them as often. DH takes LO there once a week for a few hours and sometimes sees them an additional day in the week. But let’s say it’s mostly once a week about 3 hours.

LOs birthday is coming up and in the past we had DH’s family it at our house to celebrate. Ways in which (I felt) MIL was overbearing was she kept insisting we did it at her house, she bought the birthday cake even though I told her we already had one. On the day, she took LO off me when they were crying as if she could offer more comfort, she also started opening gifts with LO and the photos from the day speak for themselves, FIL took lots of photos of MIL and DH with LO and I was in one blurry photo with LO not even looking at the camera.

I did not enjoy the day and always feel like I’m getting pushed to the side in MILs company and I just don’t want to have to do that every year in LOs birthday.

So I’ve booked a birthday venue this year so friends and family can come together and I’m hoping this will ‘dilute’ the pushy behaviour. We realised the venue is too small to include DHs extended family (mine don’t live local). So DH suggested we just have his family around to the house later in the day. I said the whole reason I booked a venue was because I didn’t want a repeat of last year.

DH basically turned it into I won’t let his family come to our house and then this turned into that PIL should be able to pop around on the weekend if they want and that they should be able to see more of LO. I think given that his MIL is constantly undermining and crossing boundaries one afternoon a week is actually pretty good going.

DH has made me feel guilty saying he shouldn’t have to be worried about my reaction if he wants to have family over to the house.

I would have no problem with family coming around but it’s the way she acts that just makes it so difficult, I’ve had to start going to therapy because of it. Should I really just have to put up with it? I’m being made out to be the ‘villain’ when I just want some space and boundaries…

Bump

I'm going to sound like a lot of other posters here. Your hubby needs to step up, support you and have boundaries. She is a pita, and needs boundaries.
My mother was like this. My hubby found her insufferable. I set boundaries and she didn't listen. My hubby put his foot down, then covid happened and she had no choice but to toe the line.
Get boundaries, set them.down and hubby needs to enforce them with you.

OP I sympathise...I have a MIL like this, but my husband and I are on the same page. Setting boundaries have really helped. I don't think you're unreasonable at all, but I'm not sure what the answer is if you're DH is not supporting you. I would put my foot down with having extended family over. Otherwise, could you go out at the time the extended family is coming over...make some excuse about having to sort something out related to the birthday. Not ideal but I'm not sure what else to suggest.

DH has made me feel guilty saying he shouldn’t have to be worried about my reaction if he wants to have family over to the house.

Then he needs to sort out his mother's behaviour.

1 afternoon a week with grandparents is plenty, but your husband is correct that he shouldn't have to ask permission to get his family over (as long as it's reasonable and they're not squatting your living room every day).

If you don't want to spend that much time with your in laws, take the opportunity to pop out and have some time for yourself when they come over.

For the birthday, IMO it's weird to get extended family etc but I guess everyone is different.

We do whatever party / event thing with family and/or friends on a weekend day, but on the day itself it's just parents + siblings.
Nice meal, I make them a cake, present from us - that's their real birthday and it's only for us.

Look, you don’t like her, she doesn’t like you. Surely it’s not the end of the world? Two cakes are better then one, if your small child continues to be upset when she’s holding him or her, presumably she’ll get a clout from a determined small fist sharpish? If you want her to take photos of you, ask her?

I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, OP, but I think you need to rethink your approach and practise phrases and actions to deal with her. No way would my MIL have been physically allowed to take my baby off me. Now you know she is prepared to behave like this, you need to be ready to respond firmly.

But - you also need to tell DH very firmly that if she behaves like this you will not tolerate it. You will stop her taking your child off you and you will raise your voice at her if she does not accept what you want to do. If HE does not want a situation like that, then HE needs to tell his parents that they are not to ignore you or try to take baby off you

Thanks for the responses. @Littlejellyuk I’ve set the boundaries and then made to feel like I’m being controlling or unreasonable for setting them.

@Richtea67 I’m glad your DH supports you. My DH said he agreed that she oversteps boundaries but disagrees about other things. He is always giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to explain things away. If I pop out if he has family around I’d probably be made feel bad about that too like I’m being rude. Otherwise I would.

@CharlotteStreetW1 exactly why this is so upsetting. She is the root of the issue but instead I’m being painted out as the problem. So I basically have to put up with it is the message I’m getting from DH.

@Bearbookagainandagain i thought so too and I said he’s welcome to go to them with LO whenever he wants. I don’t mind seeing them but for my own MH my limit is once a week, and that’s purely because of how she is. Problem is if they start getting invites around the boundaries become blurred and they start popping around uninvited and letting themselves in which happened in the past.

@SlightlyFurther if it was just the cakes then fine but I kid you not when I say it’s everything. Every tiny decision, every toy, every meal she tried to undermine and critique, comment whatever, honestly it’s relentless so the cake is one example of many many many examples of trying to essentially take over.

@Maray1967 i she is very dominating and I am shy. She takes advantage of this and catches me off guard so sometimes I’m like a deer in headlights and don’t know how to react. I had to start physically taking LO off her because she wouldn’t give him to me when he was showing hunger cues and she would ignore me if I said he needed a feed.

Also DH would think I was the one being unreasonable if I reacted like that. He doesn’t have my back and it’s really getting me down

No I don't think it's you , these grandparents can be very intrusive. If she wasn't so pushy you'd be happy to have her over. So I understand you want that distance. Maybe his mother has said to him it's not fair we should be able to pop over. I get what he's saying , it's his family, his parents. But if his mum is creating this kind of situation where you are uncomfortable and it's affecting your mental health then she doesn't get to pop over when she wants. If she is respectful and not pushy then maybe she can be welcomed. I had a problem with my MIL , taking over everything, and my ex saying my mum should see our dc whenever she wants , you are stopping her from seeing our child. These men don't realise the harm their mother causes.

I’m sorry to read that - you’re going to have to think through how you approach the situation to keep baby with you. For example, I’d tell DH if he wants his side to come back to the house, he’s hosting. He will be making teas and organising the cake. You’ll be sitting down with baby in the living room and playing with her. If things get tricky take her upstairs. Practise, practise, practise - what you’re going to say and do in likely situations so you’re not caught off guard.

And once you’ve told him he’s hosting, stick to it. Sit down and leave him to it. Buy nothing in, he can shop. He might be a lot less keen on having them over if he has to put some effort in.

I had a MIL like this (ExH) and it drove me insane. I found the only way to deal with her was to assert firm boundaries, and if she reacted, use the grey stone method.

If she tried to take LO from you, you dont let her. You say, "sorry, LO is tired/hungry etc and you can maybe have some time with LO later". If she tries to anyway, assert again by saying, "I have already told you why you cant have LO right now, and I want you to respect my wishes as their parent".

If she tries to assert herself into situations, you need to call her out. Just start with friendly reminders, "MIL, you're in our home, just sit down and relax!". If she continues, remind her again that it is your home, and she needs to take a step back. Firm, but not aggressive, e.g. "MIL, I have already told you that this isnt needed, please sit down and enjoy yourself in our home. We will ask if we need any help".

Once a week is plenty for visits with GPs.

I understand the vfrom point, especially if your parents are coming from far away. However, PIL may be feeling pushed out.

Could you suggest going to theirs at some point, this will allow PIL to buy their own cake, have time with GC etc without it being in your home? I would make an effort to go to this as well, at least they aren't in your home.

In the long term though, distancing PIL doesn't work. You and DP need to be in alignment and PIL need to be following the boundaries set. This means you need a united front with DP and find ways to meet half way with PIL.

E.g. some ideas would be, PIL can visit your home once a month for dinner etc, or you go to theirs. The once a week visits with DP are maintained but PIL can still see you're making an effort.

Or, for one visit a month already scheduled, you can go along with them, bring some cake/buns etc for a treat for PILs?

@Smelltherain I’m sorry you had to deal with similar it so frustrating and also sorry to hear your DH wasn’t supportive. I feel like I’ve been very tolerant and patient so to be painted out like I’m being unfair is so upsetting. Intrusive is exactly the word, and like you said, MIL would be very welcome if she didn’t act the way she does. Basically to keep everyone happy I’m support to be a doormat and she would be essentially raising LO. She has suggested coming over everyday to ‘help’ and taking him to all his playgroups while I sit at home. DH thinks she’s being nice and helpful.. some people would be grateful..

@Maray1967 thano you for the advice, I definitely need to practise being more assertive around her, which I’m slowly getting better at but it’s hard and she pushes back. If I tell DH to host she’ll take over I know it 🙈

@ellie09 I’m sorry you had the same problem with your mil - why is this so common :( i think PIL are feeling pushed out but only because they basically expected me to hand over LO to MIL to raise as her own. They had their own prams and (very old second hand) car seats before us (I have no idea where they thought they were driving my BF newborn off to without us). My family only see LO every few months so they definitely aren’t getting the short straw by any means. Thanks for the tips regarding how to address mil in some of these situations and the idea of monthly visits could be a good compromise for my DH and I.

Her behaviour may have been unreasonable but I don't understand why you booked a venue so that they wouldn't come to the house, if the venue is too small for them to come to.

3 hours once a week is loads. If she is awful, it's actually too much.

So I’ve booked a birthday venue this year so friends and family can come together and I’m hoping this will ‘dilute’ the pushy behaviour. We realised the venue is too small to include DHs extended family (mine don’t live local). So DH suggested we just have his family around to the house later in the day. I said the whole reason I booked a venue was because I didn’t want a repeat of last year.

Can you clarify this bit for us please?
Have you actually booked a room but are then inviting some friends, your family, but not his family ?

How old will your LO be?

If they have a party at a venue with a few people milling about won't they then be too tired to spend time with MIL fussing over them?

Could your husband pop round for a short time in the morning or the day before/after?

@Threecraws i didn’t intentionally book one that’s too small I only realised as I was writing out the list of guests today so I was trying to come up with a solution which ended up in the argument above. I have the option to pay the venue more and extend the space so all guests can come which is probably what we will do. Definitely not trying to exclude anyone. Just don’t want a repeat of last year in our house.

@CarpetKnees no it’s our friends, then his immediate family and then I realised we wouldn’t have enough space as it stands for his extended family although not even sure if they will want to attend or just pop in to say hello. None of my family are coming, they live overseas.

@diddl only 2! Problem is MIL will expect to be involved with the main event. If not, she will create her own and take over. I guess she could do a bash another day and I don’t necessarily have to go. I just sort of wanted to do it all in one go and try to have it somewhat on our terms.

@Outrageistheopiateofthemasses agreed it’s actually a lot given what she’s said and how she’s been

Who are you wanting to include?

Have you invited people yet?

Might it be best to invite MIL at the expense of someone else to do it your way?

He doesn't care about your boundaries does he, really? If your husband doesn't have your back, and prioritises his mum, well, what can you do except separate?

Yep, I'm afraid this is right. Been there myself.

There are some grown adults who are just completely under their parents' thumb and will go to any length not to upset them - including doing wrong by their partner. It's pretty sad, but their relationship is so entrenched in these patterns, they rarely see it themselves and rarely ever change it.

MIL will expect to be involved with the main event.

Well if there isn't room she can't be!

Have I misunderstood or is your husband OK with her not being at the venue?

I guess she could do a bash another day and I don’t necessarily have to go

I'd be quite tempted by that if you could swing it.

Let her host her own family & you have who you want at yours.

Would she see this as a "win"?

You have a DH problem.

i can see both sides, she sounds like she muscles in and takes over, which is awful, but your mum is still your mum- everyone talks about boundaries but I’d hate dh to have plans in place to have such limited contact, especially on a day so important to me. The ‘choose me or your mother’ thing on mn just doesn’t make sense