Normal for an 11 year old?

[BikingBadger]

Worried about ds who basically lives for screen time. He does a couple of clubs/ sports each week but would happily drop them all if it meant more time gaming or watching telly (it wouldn't!) He has freedom to go out and play with friends but chooses to call on friends where they're allowed to sit indoors on screens rather than going out to the park etc. We do restrict the time he gets but it's all he talks about and all he talks about is about stuff he's done in games or stuff he's seen on TV. Friends tend to talk about hobbies and interests more than screen life. We try to engage him in lots of other activities and give him the opportunity to try new hobbies but hes just not interested. I feel he lives in a virtual world and it saddens me.

YABU this is normal
YANBU not normal (but what do I do next?! )

I don't think it's normal. My 11yo loves gaming and would spend all day on a game if he could, but he knows where to draw a line and would rather see his friend in person at activities rather than play them online. He also doesn't talk about his gaming at all really.

What should you do next? I did restrict DS time the last few weeks as I thought he was playing too much. I notice that he is showing more initiative and enthusiasm and reading more again. Can you cut down time for your DS to encourage him to do or talk about other things?

My son is like this and is also 11.
Gaming with his friends is what he really enjoys doing.
It's the time we live in

Screens are proven to be as addictive as crack cocaine.
What do you do? You don’t let him have them. His brain is too immature to regulate and cope with the addiction.

Screens are addictive, so yes, I do believe it's normal when allowed.

How much screen time does he get?

You need to restrict his screen use even more. He seems unable to self regulate and needs your help through further restrictions. It will be painful to start but once he realises he doesn’t get as much screen time he will start to engage with other activities.

How has that been evaluated?

My Y6 DS and his friends are not like this. Yes, they game and stuff but not every day and prefer to get together at the park, play sports, ride bikes etc. All they talk about is football and rugby. Sadly most of them hate cricket, because its boring. Attention spans of a gnat.

If you are interested in the research, or lack of it, to date this article is a good place to start.
But screen limits are recommended for valid reasons.

Rega V, Gioia F, Boursier V. Problematic Media Use among Children up to the Age of 10: A Systematic Literature Review. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023 May 17;20(10):5854. doi: 10.3390/ijerph20105854. PMID: 37239580; PMCID: PMC10217802.

They do love it. My daughter does not really want to go places with me anymore, we used to eat out go into town. Ive started encouraging her to meet with friends outside which she has been doing but it annoys me how much she wants to do things online. To be fair she is watching her favourite bands mostly and I think music is a good outlet. It’s a weird age we can’t do the soft play and all those other things but I do worry about her being out. She’ll be in high school in a few months I guess.

Just because something has become normal, doesn't mean it's fine or something beneficial for him.

It's detracting from his real life and he isn't old enough to put gaming in context, so you need to be the one to do it. More restrictions, more conversations with him afterwards about whether he actually feels happier, fill his time with other things.

My son (8) can get wrapped up in screens. My daughter has always been far less bothered.

Personally I'd do a hard reset - no screen time at all for a month and see what being bored more of the time will get him to do. Provide lots of other options around his interests and have an open mind as to what might happen. Taking telly away from my daughter when it started sliding a bit meant she started baking and now regularly bakes yummy things after school. We 'really' restrict my son as he has no self-regulation abilities and he's become a keen reader.

He doesn't get to game on weekdays but gets to play for an hour on Friday and about 90 mins- 2 hours on a weekend depending on what else is going on. Tv is maybe an hour a day. So I don't feel like it's an excessive amount but he just talks about it constantly and at the weekend is always asking for more time. Obviously ALL of his friends get much more time than him so it's so unfair 🙄
I know the games are designed to be addictive but they're a fact of modern life now so it's better to manage that, rather than cut them off altogether. So I suppose What I need help with is helping him self regulate which he seems completely incapable of.

My daughter loved gaming a couple of years ago but never games now. She has the devices just not interested. Just try to encourage more face to face interactions that’s what I am doing.

It's not "not normal", a lot of kids are like that - or think they are like that.

You just need to book activities every day, restrict screen time a lot more, and don't give him a choice until it's out of his system.

He can't get addicted to something he's not doing.

My dS sounds similar and if I'm honest gets more screen time than yours. When restricted he just sits around getting agitated waiting for the next screen time. Unless we we are out and about somewhere but it is becoming an increasing problem. He is limited in terms of gaming and YouTube but he also loves animating and doing creative things on the tablet and he has group chats with friends he wouldn't otherwise be socialising with so it seems to be constant. I don't know if I should be limiting the social and creative element of it just because it happens to be on a screen.

Mine is younger but similar and we have similar time limits. Mine is autistic so when he has an interest, he goes all in. We're just riding this one out until the next interest comes along!

Well, there’s a difference between normal and healthy. I think this is probably now normal for the majority of children but it’s not healthy for anyone to be glued to their phone - least of all children with developing brains that are being damaged massively by the internet!

Mine is the same, OP. We also have a similar screentime schedule to you, and DS has several activities a week incl sports, arts, but moans if I say I’ve planned an outing as in his mind he could have stayed home all day gaming… Which we wouldn’t allow, in reality! Once we’re out and about he’s totally fine, though.

I’ve tried being more lenient, as most on here seem to have kids who miraculously know when they’ve had enough, and suggested the strict limits were actually making the screens more irresistible and desirable… but unfortunately turns out my kid simply can’t self regulate with gaming/youtube.

That doesn’t sounds excessive.

what else does he like? Are the clubs ones he has chosen or you?

can you take him camping for the weekends and find more wholesome fun?

maybe he isn’t capable of self regulation.
some adults aren’t. That’s why we hve addictions etc. It will be helpful to help him recognise how his brain works and strategies to ensure productivity in the future

Mine is the same, it's so hard to know what's right. We hear all the time X amount of screen time is enough unless they are autistic and need it to regulate. But no one tells a parent of the autistic child what is right for them. My DS goes under a blanket with a screen and does not speak or engage for about an hour after school so I allow that as his regulation routine. But then his special interest usually involves a screen so I don't know if I should fight it or encourage it. For example if he is into something he looks up stuff about it, he makes animated videos about it, he sometimes writes stories or screenplays (typing on a screen), he chats to his friends about it online, there always seems to be someone going through the same interest. Given that he has few friends in school and no one seems to have patience to listen to him it seems really wrong to take him off a chat. But all this adds up and he could be 10 hours non stop if I didn't intervene. I feel like I'm constantly upsetting him and yet he gets 3 hours or so a weekday which is very high, even more at weekends. I'm off work for the Summer and am really dreading it already, we'll need to set out a very strict schedule in advance otherwise it will be a nightmare.

He is 11 so will either be in the first year of secondary or moving up this September. He is going to have increasing demands put on him for homework, so I think you need to start now. For example : Homework and household expectations ( whatever you expect of him in terms of contributing to the house) have to be done first, he has to come and eat with the family, all screens off at an agreed time.

He needs a healthier pattern of screen use to help him to wind down and sleep, so the sooner you can get him to understand that you are the one setting the boundaries the better.

just spotted your update, that all sounds reasonable to me, apart from the talking about the games, I would have a no talking about games at the table rule for a start!

I think expecting him to self regulate is a bit unrealistic, his brain is wired to watch these games because that is how they are designed , and 11 year olds don’t have the tools to self regulate anyway ( nor do many adults to be brutal) so I think it is fine that you are the one making the decisions about his screen time.